March 12, 2018

I don’t care if I have to argue you with you everyday for the rest of my life
Or live in a tiny pink room
Where I can only imagine what its like to be in charge of making m own decisions
Because the truth is I don’t want to be in charge of my decisions anymore
All I want is you
A life with you in it
Where we can go back to having an oh so complicated relationship
Where I can physically hug you when I need someone to remind me that I do have the strength and courage to keep on going
I need to have a person who would die for me if they had to back in my life

You didn’t need to leave
You could have just stayed
Gotten better
Because I want to go back to realizing in the most random moments
That life actually was pretty good
Realizing that I had things to look forward to
Things to be happy about
I miss you
Oh god I miss you so much
It’s just so frustrating
To know that you could never come back
But still hope and sometimes even pray everyday that you just would
I honestly have no idea what to do with my life without you in it
Because I’m just falling apart
And whenever I looks like I might be getting a hang of things
The thought of you having to suffer
Jumps right back into my head
The thought that I didn’t get to say goodbye
That I could have helped make it easier in so many ways
But decided to think of myself first
When all you did was the total opposite

I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me most
I’m sorry for making your life harder when it was already hard enough
I’m sorry that it seems as if I will never be able to recover using the pieces that were left of me when you took the rest with you
Most importantly
I’m sorry for disappointing you
For every hour of every day that I made it harder for you to see a future for me
For every grade brought back that just wasn’t able to meet the expectations that you had set for me

Because I just want you to know that I would do anything to have you back
I’ve been told that if you could come back
That you say you understood that I was going though a hard tine too
But I still managed to see some positive because until the words stopped coming out of your mouth
I never once imagined that you wouldn’t come back
The fact that it hadn’t even crossed my mind until that moment when I was told that nothing more could be done
Simply blows my mind
Because you were always the strong one
The powerful one
The one that could never be defeated
And I don’t know whether or not to think that it was you making an escape
Or there being no other way out