I recently started cutting again. One night I was so out of it that I decided to kill myself. You can't commit suicide without writing a note. I took out a peice of paper and wrote down something completely different.

100 Reasons to Live

1. My family would miss me.

2. My friends would miss me.

3. I want to grow up to be something.

4. I want a chance to change the world.

5. I want to go on a date.

6. Old people get discounts.

7. All that dirt on top of my coffin would be ­really heavy.

9. When Trump leaves the presidency, I want to throw a party.

10. The afterlife seems scary.

11. I really need to pass gym class.

12. I wouldn't get to pick the clothes they'd bury me in.

13. Funerals are expensive.

14. I would miss gluten free brownies.

15. I want to dye my hair blue or pink

16. I want to learn to drive.

17. I want to be old enough to legally drink.

18. I have heard it's a real shame to die a virgin.

19. No one would be around to clean out my closet.

20. The world needs my help.

21. At this point, things can only get better.

22. Just as I don't want to lose the people close to me, they don't want to lose me.

23. I want to at least earn a high school diploma.

24. I'd like a college diploma too.

25. There might not be chocolate in heaven (assuming there is one and I go there).

26. You can't eat ice cream in hell (assuming there is one and I go there).

27. Life shouldn't just be thrown away.

28. A teacher I had once said, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”

29. People don't reach their life quotas until at least age 87.

30. With my luck, I'll probably have a winning lottery ticket in my pocket when I go.

31. Even if my life is not important to me, it's probably important to someone.

32. I really don't want to see Ama in heaven (assuming there is heaven) before Bompa does.

33. A lot of people deserve to die more than I do.

34. Autophobics and coffins don't mix.

35. I don't want to choose the day of my death.

36. I hear senior year of high school is pretty fun.

37. It would really suck to attempt to harm myself and end up surviving anyway.

38. Maybe there's someone out there who understands.

39. I would really miss history class.

40. I refuse to become a statistic.

41. I want a chance to do something stupid at ­graduation.

42. Life can change, but death is pretty absolute.

43. I have a story to tell.

44. I have the ability to make people laugh.

45. Because it’s not over until it’s over (The cross looked like a huge win for the Romans).

46. To prove them wrong.

47. There are places in the world that I still have to see.

48. The opportunity to grow up, live life, travel, learn and become wise.

49. No one else in the world is passionate about the same combination of things I am. I am here to explore and breathe life into those things.

50. There is always a reason to live.

51. New clothes.

52. Witty puns.

53. Really good bread.

54. Holding my child in my arms for the first time.

55. Completing a milestone (aka going to college, graduating from college, getting married, getting my dream job.)

56. The kind of dreams where I wake up and can’t stop smiling.

57. The smell before and after it rains.

58. The sound of rain against a rooftop.

59. The feeling I get when I’m dancing.

60. The person (or people) that means the most to me. Stay alive for them.

61. Trying out new recipes.

62. The feeling I get when my favorite song comes on the radio.

63. The rush I get when I step onto a stage.

64. I have to share my voice and talents and knowledge with the world because they are so valuable.

65. Breakfast in bed.

66. Getting a middle seat in the movie theater.

67. Breakfast for dinner (because it’s so much better at night than in the morning).

68. Death is waiting for each of us anyways; why call on it before our time?

69. Forgiveness.

70. Water balloon fights.

71. Fireflies.

72. Birthdays.

73. Realizing that someone loves me.

74. Spending the day with someone I love.

75. Spending the whole day in bed.

76. Eating a whole pint of my favorite ice cream.

77. Floating in the water on my back and just staring up at the sky.

78. First dates (even the bad ones make for funny stories.)

79. Bonfires and s' mores.

80. Relationships where I love someone but aren’t in love with them.

81. Coming home to someone I love.

82. The color of autumn leaves when they change.

83. Summer.

84. Singing at the top of my lungs with my friends.

85. Cuddling.

86. Being wrapped up in a warm bed.

87. Someone’s skin against mine.

88. Holding hands.

89. The kind of hugs when I can feel a weight being lifted off your shoulders. The kind of hug where my breath syncs with the other person’s, and I feel like we are the only two people in the world (AKA an Eli hug)

90. Singing off-key with Wesley, Sydeny, Sarah, and Eli.

91. Road trips.

92. Spontaneous adventures.

93. The feeling of sand beneath my toes.

94. The feeling when the first ocean wave rolls up and envelops my toes and ankles and knees.

95. Thunderstorms.

96. My first (or hundredth) trip to Disneyland.

97. The taste of my favorite food.

98. The child-like feeling I get on Christmas morning.

99. The day when everything finally goes my way.

100. I have to be alive to see the world become a better place (because I’m so hopeful that it will).

101. I really want to see how Jackson turns out in life. God, I hate that kid.