If I believed in god, I would have prayed.

If I had believed in coincidence, in divine purpose, in reasons beyond knowledge, I would have trusted some other worldly being.

If I had some faith, I would have given into it.

If I had some connection to more than this mortal life, I would have called upon it.

If I had some belief that there was more out there, more than the rainclouds above, I would have screamed at it to listen.

If I had trusted in the universe to listen, I would have yelled until my lungs bled.

If I had confidence in an omniscient source beyond the stars, I would have gone to the edge of the earth and cried for it.

If I had optimism, I would have traded it to the raindrops and the cardinals in an earthly deal for a moment more.

If I had hope, I would have fought the entire world,

but there was nothing to fight—only a death sentence and a failing body, and no amount of belief or faith or love could heal it.