I didn’t know my heart was a time bomb

Until you lit the fuse

It spread through me

Pleasant and warm

Seeming to light me from within

At first, I enjoyed it

The way the sparks bounced between us

Playful flickers

That were harmless, right?

But the longer it went on

The more I realized

That you were burning me

From the inside out

Scorching all that I loved about myself

Eating away at the core of who I was

The strike of the match

Wasn’t that magical feeling talked about in fairy tales

It was the just the beginning

Of a long string of heartbreak

The reason you loved me

Wasn’t because I’d thrown myself in front of a bullet to save you

It was because I’d raised the white flag in surrender

Explosions in war are messy

But I internalized mine

Kept the fragmented parts of myself hidden

Hoping that no one could tell the difference

Because the girl that was always so complete on her own

Was bleeding from her wounds

I couldn’t staunch the flow

Pieces of my soul

Slipped between my fingers

As I tried desperately to hold the bandages on

But every day I saw you

Sliced me deeper

They say before you die

Your life flashes before your eyes

But all I could see

Were the memories of us

The way you saw me

The way I acted when you were around

There was nothing left of me

Only you

A soldier staggering on her own

Through ruined battlefields

Doesn’t have much to live for

When she’s lived her life for someone else

So then I knew

That tying the turnequate 

Was my only hope for survival

But to save myself

I had to lose part of myself, too

Learning to live again

With PTSD triggered by so much more than you know

Isn’t easy

But it’s better than burning with you