I've got to decide: kill myself or love myself | Teen Ink

I've got to decide: kill myself or love myself

September 10, 2022
By bugjuicepoetry ELITE, Fort Wayne, Indiana
bugjuicepoetry ELITE, Fort Wayne, Indiana
223 articles 28 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I was born very far from where I'm supposed to be. So, I guess I'm on my way home."


I.
You're made of all those little things
That squiggle around inside your brain
Bounce through your skull 
And off the walls 
Made of things that are not skin and bone
Made of things that only you know
Made of little squiggles only you understand
Until you find other people
Whose squiggles look like your own
And bounce off of each other's squiggles
And when you're young 
Those squiggles form weird little dreams
That you miss when you're old but
You're meant for more than you
Understand when you're young and
Your squiggles can change 
And so can you 

II.
You've made this church
into a gold-slathered idol
This building owns you and you
are a slave to ideation
you've never found in the testaments
You scream of tradition but
that's just one of your pillars
What about reason
What about prayer
What about scripture
Even the religion that you 
preach on the corners
doesn't agree with the
paths that you take
You've got the blood sacrifice
dripping from your lips 
and the communion wine
is stale on your breath 
Your baptismal fount is drowning
you with dirty water
that stopped being holy
a long time ago 

III.
The punch must be the
same punch they've been 
making for fifty years and 
it tastes like blood and memories 
the perspective of this building 
is in a perspective 
that isn't the same I can see it from now everything is different 
everything is the same 
My cousin is made of constellations and
I miss climbing the tree by the field and
the smell of the altars
and my grandpa's voice praying and
no one ever looks for the prodigal son
what if I don't return 

IV.
I'm  trying to warn you
Stay away from me
I'm trying to show you
I am not good
I am not holy
I am not pure
I am an infestation
I am swallowing the sun
I am eating it whole 
I am trying to scare you away
I am hoping you will realize
I am not who I try to be
I am not who I let you think I am
I am forgetting my morals
I am losing friends quick
I am an infestation and you need to
Stay away from me 

V.
The trick is you have to learn
how to live without regrets
The trick is you have to learn 
how to forgive yourself
The trick is you have to learn
how to let go of your anger
I think I've figured out that
the trick to being happy is just
to be happy in the easiest ways -
Appreciate car rides full of laughter,
the shape of the clouds and 
the light of the moon and the sun.

I think I've figured out that
the trick to being happy is just
if you need to change, change -
Part your hair in the opposite direction or
start sleeping without the fan on and
walk somewhere instead of driving.
If you can't stay like this forever -
don't. 
Things can always get better. 
The trick is you have to learn
how to let go without hiding from it.
The trick is you have to learn
how to face your problems head-on.
The trick is you have to learn
how to be okay.



Similar Articles

JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 0 comments.