do not tell me that my scars are beautiful because they are the reason why  my parents almost had a dead daughter

do not tell me  that my vulnerability is my strength because it reminds me each time how weak I was

do not tell me that crying is good for my health because all I feel now is numb, not sad not angry just numb to any emotion, to any feeling that I might feel

do not tell me to share my problems because I’ve tried and failed every time and I don’t think I have any more energy left

do not tell me to trust you because I’ve failed too many times and I don’t have the guts to be your last option anymore

do not tell me to fix myself because I am not broken into pieces but I am shattered like  glass into a gazillion crumbs

do not tell me to grow up because I did that when I was a child, going through things people don’t even have nightmares about

don’t tell me to forget and forgive because my past is like a wine stained dress that I don’t want to wear but can’t find the courage to remove

don’t tell me to stop looking sad because all I feel is grief and remorse for losing something that I never owned and losing someone who was never truly mine

don’t tell me to move on because every time you say that I go back to the night it all went down and my voice becomes nothing but silent cries

don’t tell me that pretty is what’s on the inside because inside me is just endless and boundless agony and affliction

don’t tell me not to listen to others because it’s the voices in my head that kill me every moment of the day

don’t tell me to keep fighting because now every bone in my body is tired from the struggle, from the pain , from the anguish, from the torment that I face every single day

don’t tell me to seek help because it is the nerve that I lacked then and it is the strength that I lack now

and please don’t tell me not to give up because I feel like parts of me are dead already and it’s difficult to hold on when every voice in your head says that the only good thing you deserve is death