I want to be pretty.
I wash my face until it's red and
I brush my hair with a copper bristled
brush.
My boyfriend deserves a pretty
girlfriend and what if I will never be
that?

I scrub my teeth
three times a day
but they never forget the yellow they
absorbed during those endless days
in bed when my mind was
foggy and I wished I wouldn't wake
up the next morning.
I'll never be pretty, and I am
realizing this in the hotel
bathroom.

I will never be the girl who
gets complimented at the
quizzing invitational
I spray perfume and
root through outfits and
try too hard.
I've never felt beautiful
before
and I think maybe I never
will.
I am scarred and
I am broken and maybe
I am too weathered to be loved.
The pebble on the shore in nothing
special, just the wave and
I wish I were pretty like sea glass.

I should wear dresses but
my legs are scarred and
my shoes are never nice
enough to seem anything but
childish.
I get complimented
in the way that people know
I am not pretty and
they know I never will be.
You're such a
                     strong
                                     in
                                       de
                                         pen
                                            dent
                                                       woman.
You've got such
potential.
Such a bright young woman.
I'm smart but God, why
couldn't you have made me pretty?
Not pretty like the
dandelion on the cliff
God, I'm tired of being resilient.
I don't want to be admired.
Pretty like
a stained glass window
Pretty like
a daffodil
Pretty like
a songbird.

Even my best friend
knows I'm not pretty.
I brush my teeth
again
again
again.
My gums are bleeding and
my teeth are red
and yellow like McDonald's.
My friend smiles at me
and her teeth are pearls
and everyone loves her
and she doesn't even have to try.
I brush my teeth
again
again
again.
I tear at my skin
and it scars
and I regret it everyday.
My nails are too short:
my hands look like a man's.
I'm too muscular when I'm naked
too skinny when I'm not.

God save the queen.

I sit on the hotel balcony and
cry
cry
cry.
My clothes are baggy
and I will never be beautiful.
The hotel bathroom shows my
scars and I sit on the balcony and cry.