The City | Teen Ink

The City

November 2, 2009
By archon GOLD, Mandeville, Louisiana
archon GOLD, Mandeville, Louisiana
10 articles 0 photos 39 comments

The city
Torn apart by black and brimstone
Ripped to shreds by sin and rocks
This city sleeps in swallowed dark
Running low on light and stocks
This city crumbles brick by brick
They’re all still breathing
Gasping for air
They’re all conceiving
That life isn’t fair
They’re all running
But they don’t know from what
They look in their mirrors
Eyes open, minds shut
They stare at the blank faces
And hope that sleep erases
The memories of yesterday
They run, yet still they stay
Feet stuck in the concrete of real
They go day by day
Lie, cheat, and steal
And so the city falls
But it screams and it crawls
It tries to survive
But none hear its calls
It can’t help itself
They’re way past that point
They slither and creep
In back alleys they meet
The cities finest
Back to back with deceit
Corruption and destruction
This is what’s on people’s lips
The cities true finest are the lame and the crips
For they’re the ones who know
Yet there’s no way to show
The city started at the top then sank way done below
There’s no point in fighting
No reason residing
In the minds of these people
They have reasons for crying
While we sit back and watch from our chairs
Nothing to do but to stop and to stare
No point in fighting
No reasons residing
There is just no point for the people who are dying

The author's comments:
comments are greatly appreciated. i hope you enjoy. thanks for reading :)

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This article has 4 comments.

on Jan. 1 2011 at 4:22 pm
Kbuschan PLATINUM, South Plainfield, New Jersey
25 articles 0 photos 64 comments

Favorite Quote:
Fall in love or fall in hate; Get inspired or be depressed; Ace a test or flunk a class; Make babies or make art; Speak the truth or lie and cheat; Dance on tables or sit in the corner; Life is divine chaos. Embrace it. Breathe. And enjoy the ride...

Nice play on words. I love your descriptions and at the end how you tied it into how people watch while something terrible happens.

on Dec. 12 2009 at 7:05 pm
NorthernWriter, Fargo, North Dakota
0 articles 0 photos 326 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Only dead fish swim with the stream"

My favorite part has to be the "eyes open, minds shut" because that's so strong with the image it creates and it gives voice for the city in your poem. I have the feeling that this is set in the future? Am I right? suggestions would be to get rid of contractions cause they give things a laidback attitude and if I were writing this, I would want a strict, almost confined attitude. Also the first line is just "the city" which i don't really like...may be something else with it too? And the last one should be in two: There is just no point/ for the people who are dying. These are just my suggestions so you are free to use them if you want, no pressure! Good job though on creating an interesting poem, almost a story I think, which is how i like it :)

archon GOLD said...
on Dec. 11 2009 at 6:55 pm
archon GOLD, Mandeville, Louisiana
10 articles 0 photos 39 comments
thanks so much for the comment! i really appreciate it. check out my other poems too! im sure you'll enjoy them :D

on Dec. 11 2009 at 11:50 am
SilverDawn GOLD, Burnaby, Other
10 articles 0 photos 297 comments
wow, another great poem! This one is going on my favourites. The way you expressed it and described the city and its people was amazingly well done. "Ripped to shreds by sin and rocks" That line surprised me with the awesome way you said it. It's so original and true. Fav line: "They look in their mirrors/ Eyes open, minds shut" It's a very realistic portrayal that really makes the reader think about what you're saying. Good rhyming too. Keep writing! (: