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Mannequin

September 12, 2011
By Greenpaw BRONZE, Billerica, Massachusetts
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Greenpaw BRONZE, Billerica, Massachusetts
3 articles 0 photos 11 comments
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You were born in a dream
That caught my eyes in between
Your half-crooked smile
That has kept you running for miles

Nothing more than a mannequin
Who I see over and over again
There’s nothing real about this place
Created for a lonely boy’s embrace

And when the visionary world ends
The wounds can no longer mend
I am left with no trace
Of the fairytale world, soon to be erased

© Robert P., Dorchester, MA

The author's comments:
This was something I wrote today. I decided to use it for my first poem on this site, because I just wanted to get a feel of how the site works. I would very much prefer if there is criticism,(I know there will be.) for it to be somewhat constructive. However, I still was inspired to write this by something. Recurring dreams, just dreams you wish you never woke up from and really loved and enjoyed.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 6 comments.

Lexie96 GOLD said...
on Oct. 22 2011 at 10:45 am
Lexie96 GOLD, Havana, Illinois
11 articles 0 photos 378 comments

Favorite Quote:
Now Cinderella don't you go to sleep, it's such a bitter form of refuge, oh don't you know the kingdom's under siege, and everbody needs you. - The Killers

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I have to agree with the others, you are talented, there's no doubts about that. But I think that you might be limiting yourself by rhyming. Not all poetry has to rhyme, it's okay if sometimes it doesn't. Would anyone mind checking out and giving me some feedback on my work sometime?
vagabond_age BRONZE said...
on Oct. 17 2011 at 11:38 pm
vagabond_age BRONZE, Alameda, California
3 articles 1 photo 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day.&rdquo;<br /> ― David Foster Wallace, This Is Water: Some Thoughts, Delivered on a Significant Occasion, about Living a Compassionate Life

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I agree. I really like your use of language but I think your structure is confining you
Risible SILVER said...
on Oct. 17 2011 at 5:45 pm
Risible SILVER, Norwalk, Connecticut
7 articles 0 photos 59 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Sooner or later, those who win are those who think they can.&quot; -Richard Bach

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you want some critique? I like the idea. I like your poetry. But, I would try writing without aiming to rhyme...see what comes out. 
Wynaro said...
on Oct. 17 2011 at 1:38 am
Wow, that's a REALLY good poem. I've had tons of dreams I'd love to stay in too. Great writing =)
cellogirl GOLD said...
on Oct. 16 2011 at 9:22 pm
cellogirl GOLD, San Diego, California
10 articles 0 photos 4 comments
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There's not much to criticize, this is really pretty!
DarknessForever13 SILVER said...
on Oct. 11 2011 at 8:24 am
DarknessForever13 SILVER, Gainesville, Texas
5 articles 0 photos 51 comments

Favorite Quote:
Quoth the Raven: &quot;Nevermore!&quot;<br /> &quot;What&#039;s right isn&#039;t always popular, but what&#039;s popular isn&#039;t always right.&quot; - Unknown

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This was amazing, your writing is unique, and touching, and i agree. There are many dreams that I have never wanted to wake up from. Keep writing! And I have some peices that I have written that you might enjoy. All ya need to do is click on my username, and vola! There they are! ;)