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The Woman with the Vacant Stare

June 28, 2013
By swallowc BRONZE, Templecombe, Other
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swallowc BRONZE, Templecombe, Other
2 articles 0 photos 0 comments
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The jet black taxi stopped. Beautiful house.
She threw a £20 at the driver, ‘Keep the change.’ She didn’t need it.
Chipped nails, fumbling for keys. The door opened to the empty house. Alone.
He was at work, late, again. He did not care, no one did.
‘Mother, can you hear me? Mother?’ The line went dead. She didn’t want to listen.
Cracked lips. Thin lips. Not soft lips. No need, no kiss.
Vacant mottled grey eyes, watching, watching. The interminable house was silent.
Salty, wet tears cascaded down her face. Who was she? The mask was off.
Tick tock went the clock. Time passed but she did not feel it. Isolated.
Elaborate. High society. High class. Functions.
Real friends? No.
Alone Together.

© Kaitlin C., Forest Hills, NY

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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 3 comments.

Allons-ypoet GOLD said...
on Jul. 12 2013 at 11:44 pm
Allons-ypoet GOLD, Medford, New Jersey
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&quot;Tell me the story about how the sun loved the moon so much, he died every night to let her breathe...&quot; -Unknown author<br /> &quot;Sad is happy for deep people...&quot; -Sally Sparrow of Dr.Who

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It is also used in other pieces. A line well repeated. That can be good and bad. Personally I think it gave it a nice ring...a dash of sick humor. Peices such as this do nicely with that sort of device. But I do see your piont. 
jfsdifdisofnsdklvn BRONZE said...
on Jul. 12 2013 at 5:45 pm
jfsdifdisofnsdklvn BRONZE, Hanahan, South Carolina
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I REALLY like this piece. However, if you don't mind constructive criticism, the line "tick tock went the clock" is almost immature and humorous as compared to the immense maturity and language in the rest of it. Instead, I would try something that fits the rest of the writing, such as "the clock ticked on." or something of that sort. But beautiful piece. Well done. :)
Isibeal19 PLATINUM said...
on Jul. 12 2013 at 2:42 pm
Isibeal19 PLATINUM, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
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This is really good! It created a certain mood that just fits every word. Love It!