Into the death trap I go
The machine whirring around me
Like a time traveling device
If it were one
I’d go back to an earlier time
A time before the pain
The chemicals
The sorrow
The tears
Fluids course through my disease-ridden body
The shell that the cancerous hermit crab
Calls its home

Into the death trap I go
My face inches away
From the scanner
“Hold your breath; don’t breathe”
The unsympathetic voice tells me
I agree reluctantly
Not trusting my breath to come again
Learning from recent fears

Into the death trap I go
As the doctors take pictures
Finding new organs
Where nothing should be
I hear a sigh
Of contempt or sadness?
Half-full or half-empty?
I can’t tell
“Hold your breath; don’t breathe”
More pictures, more sighs

Into the death trap I go
They said this would be it
They said that I would be done
They said it wouldn’t come back
They said I would live
What kind of world kills a sixteen year old?
They said it’d be easy
They said I’d get through it
They said it’d be fine
And now, they say nothing
Just sigh, sigh again
What kind of world am I living in?

Into the death trap I go
Remembering the last image I saw
Before I entered the sterile room
My father holding my mother
For the first time since the divorce
Their synchronized tears
Giving away my illusion to living
Like believing in Santa
You think there’s a chance he’s there
Until your parents give it away
He’s not alive
You won’t be soon

Out of the death trap I go
The doctors tell me to relax
A woman comes to me
She grabs my hand
I’ve been brave
She gives it a squeeze
Wait, I say
Will I be okay?
She just smiles
It will all be okay
I promise
They leave the room
I listen to the sounds
The machine cooling down
Beeps from their laboratory
My mother crying
As they tell her the news
There is no hope
Santa is not real