the panic set in deep

deeper than the worms

burrowing in the cold, hard Earth

your passion spoke volumes

and yet your last breath was stolen

from me that windswept, sky blue day;

I wish I could say that the tears don't

caress my sunburnt freckled characteristically bumpy nose

and that I don't reflect on what if's at this point,

that I don't imagine traveling back in time

and saving your life;

even though it was a matter of you

restoring your health

and not being dependent on other substances

to get you through life.

I can recall the time,

you were sprawled out

on the tiled floor

a space cadet of

slurred speech

I can remember

you choking on your vomit,

I thought that was the last

moment of your life

the last second I would

get a clear shot of those

dimples, toothy grin,

and blue hazel eyes

smiling down at me.

But now it seems you're up

there now

wings reshaping the structure

of your once ravaged back

I miss you more than I should

the first few days were composed

of me preoccupied

unable to process the

fact that you were gone.

They say we go through

various stages of grief

my old fiery haired friend

from my childhood

says they're not all in order

and I agree completely.

I just wish I wasn't even

experiencing any of this

I suppose that is what

the universe holds in

store for me at this point

in my life

Sometimes the most tearful

instances provide the most

closure

I unexpectedly break down

and I sniffle

and I choke on sobs

and I wonder why

every single

second

it had to be you.

And yet I break past

all the pain hurtling

me straight into that

abyss known as misery

my heart beats faster than ever

but I have no doubt in my mind

that it will fail me

sometimes my palms

grow slick with sweat

I endure panic attack

each episode though

it sends me spiraling into

nothingness sometimes

has made me stronger

Remembering you

snapshots in my head

of laughs

of your rumbling laughs

like a gurgling brook

and watching the 2nd season

of Sons of Anarchy together

just relaxing

always us against the world

even when my heart crumpled in two

upon finding you

the circumstances surrounding your death

the sympathetic gazes shot my way

the endless barrage of hugs

of people clinging to me

like a life vest

until I felt my bones would

snap clean in half

even when no one was there for you

I have that memory

burned into my skull

of you looking into my eyes

your own were wet with tears

of you saying I'm sorry

hugging me close

breathing in the scent of

your old spice cologne

and saying buried in

the midst of your shoulder

I love you too, Daddy.

I'll always love you.