I wish I didn't care.

I wish I didn't collect everyone's thoughts about me into a cloud that hangs over my head, threatening to rain on a grey day.

I wish I could look you in the eye and memorize the palette of colors that are your irises because they have always felt too pretty for me.

I wish I could look at you without you looking at me back because I am not ready to know that you are seeing everything in me.

I wish I stood up for the girl who was s***-shamed on the N train, but I didn't want to die that day.

I wish I made some sort of passionate speech about feminism and how it is wrong to s***-shame to defend her instead of getting off at the next stop because I felt uncomfortable.

I wish I could openly talk about the social issues that bother me without doubting my own opinions and thinking that no one wants to hear about them anyway.

I wish I could construct beautiful prose and poetry like the girl who sits next to me in class and actually share what I wrote, but I care too much.

I wish I didn't.