You don’t think you’re anything special
you don’t understand why I love you so much
even though I’ve only told you
that I love you once

You refuse to take my compliments
but you constantly shower me
in your adorations

I know you hate it when I don’t tell you things,
when I wave my thoughts in front of you
like a teasing candy.
But you know I’ll always eventually tell you
because I can’t stand leaving you
in a state of want.
I just want to constantly be the highlight of your day,
telling you small secrets that make up
well, my everything.

You know almost everything about me.
You know when something is wrong,
when I’m lying,
when I’m in pain,
when I need you.
and then you take my sad moments
and you make them better.
By loving me.
Even though you’ve only said it once.

I’ve tried to keep so many secrets from you…
and in the end I always fail.
So this time I’m not going to keep it a secret,
I’m going to tell it to you.
Right now.

I’m going to tell you
that you are half of the reason I get of bed in the morning
half of the reason I haven’t killed myself yet
a third of the reason I bother with my grades.
I won’t ever say this out loud,
but I will say it here.

I will say that I love you
to the very bottom of my heart.
I will say that just the mere thought of you
leaves me senseless.
I will say that when you aren’t touching me
-as wrong as that sounds-
I miss you.
I miss the feel of your arms around me,
the feel of my hands in your hair,
the tickle of your lips on my neck
my face…
my hands…
my shoulders…
I miss your words.

Remember the time you
wrapped your arms and legs around me?
And said everything you touched was yours?
I remember that too.
You did that twice.
The second time you said that…
it was the same day
you kissed me for the first time.
I imagined in my head that my lips were yours
that no one else would ever be able to touch them.
And I hope with all my heart that I was right.
In that blissful moment.

I would never tell you this out loud
I’m too shy for that.
I would feel too vulnerable…
spilling my heart to you like that?
Maybe for someone braver that would be easy.
I am not brave.
I am still afraid of screwing up,
I am still afraid of rejection.
It is a constant reminder in my mind
that everything in my life is f***ed up right now
so what makes me think that this won’t end up the same?

But I think somewhere in me
I know that you love me at least almost as much
as I love you.

God if you ever read this I would die
of embarrassment.
But I would kind of feel relieved,
because you would finally know exactly how I feel wouldn’t you?

You would know that you set me on fire with each touch.
That I constantly long for you.
That I constantly wish your lips were against mine.
That I constantly wish your arms were holding me
in the way that makes me feel
like there is no better place to be in the world.

But above all,
you would know
that to me
you are and always will be
perfectly, amazingly, imperfect.