When they ask me why
I can’t answer.
When they beg for reasons
I can’t think of a single one to give.

I am so confused
in my own head.
I feel lost
in my own home.

These feelings I’m feeling
are difficult to identify.
I can’t remember
how little I ate today.

They want me to eat
but I look in the mirror
and I feel sick,
disgusted.
All I can do is pinch my fat
tightly between my fingertips,
and taste the vile at the back of my throat.

I disgust myself,
and can only think of ways to eat less.
Different ways to get away with it.
Because my family and friends,
they are beginning to notice.
They notice my eating habits changing.
They force me to eat.
And I hate it.

I hate feeling the food
stuck in my throat.
Or when it doesn’t,
I feel sick
when I can’t just…
force myself to make it leave.

It’s not like I haven’t tried,
I just can’t.
I hate not being able to control it,
but I guess I can just not eat.

I can skip breakfast today,
and why not tomorrow?
And what does it matter if
only a handful of strawberries
is what I eat for lunch?
Nobody should care,
I don’t know why they do.
I’m just trying to be thin.
Besides,
I’ll eat most of my dinner.

But only because
my parents force me to.

I’ve heard of what I have
and I think it has a name.
And it used to sicken me,
girls not eating to lose weight.
Food is way better than form,
right?

Or, at least that’s how it used to be.
Now it doesn’t seem like such a big deal.
Who care if I might have to
drop a few sizes,
because I’ve lost too much weight?
I know I don’t.

And who cares
if I get stomach aches…
and headaches…
kind of a lot.
I mean I can just take pain killers.

This is how life is now.
I guess I kind of wish,
that I could look in the mirror.
And not hate what I see.
And not hate me.