I realize that I’m unfinished
Am I speaking through the poem or is the poem speaking through me?
Have I lost it?
Maybe, though everything that I had yesterday I seem to have today.
I should learn what “it” is.
Every morning I write a to-do list, I’ll start adding it to that.
Today’s, so far:
“1. Say hi to people you know in the hallway. Rule of thumb, being friendlier helps you make friends.
2. Participate in class. People are wrong all the time, no one is going to think you’re an idiot, except you because now we’re a week into the unit and you still have no idea what you’re doing.
3. Write more happy poetry. Not everything in your life is negative, why must you insist it be?
4. Stop using other people as distractions. It’s not fair to them if the only reason you want to help is to avoid dealing with your own issues.
5. If today is a gray day, and all you want to do is stay in bed and feel hopeless, speak up; you know it would end sooner if you did.
6. Take it day by day. You’ve made it through plenty before
7. Find out what “it” is; this will help you out during “it” hunting season.”
This is a recent practice. In the past I just let the days roll over me. They were an airline flying overhead, it was futile to try and stop the damn plane just so I could fly away, too. Some days I booked the wrong flight, some days I got to the gate too late, some days I wanted to just stay home, hadn’t even realized there was a flight to begin with.
No more! Not again! I deserve my seat just as much as everybody else. Sure they’re cramped, and not always comfortable, but those hours on that plane add up like days in a week and eventually they mean something. Eventually they take you somewhere better.
When I asked my friends and family for something positive to write about, many said the sky. Maybe they’re on that plane without me everyday, out of view of what they’re missing. Maybe from up there they can paint that blue canvas at sunset with the dreams and plans for the future.
My last gray night I told one of my best friends that I feel like I’ve been sleeping submerged in darkness, and no matter how much I wring out my hair it still ends up dripping onto everything I do.
I started Craigslist searching for a new mindset to sleep in.
Mind—maybe that’s what “it” is!