Sometimes something you love can go so wrong, but that doesn’t have to take away all the happiness it has given you and will give you. I love skiing and have loved skiing for a long time, except it hasn’t always been that way.  The first time I skied in Colorado I was about 8 years old. I didn’t really enjoy it very much. I didn’t hate it, but I could care less if I had done it again. We hadn’t gone back to Colorado for a few years after that. Once we went back to Colorado, we have gone every year after that. I took ski lessons the first few years I was there but haven’t taken one for two years. I should take one again, because they really help and you can make some friends in the classes.
We have gone to Steamboat every year except for the first year we went to Colorado. I have fallen in love with the town and skiing in general. Steamboat is a ski town with a population of about 13,000. Downtown Steamboat is old and has a lot of different shops and restaurants. Mostly all of the shops are small little stores and not chain businesses. They sell a lot of Steamboat apparel, skiing stuff, and souvenirs. There is a Mexican restaurant downtown that is so good. They have the best queso dip in the world. Everytime we go to Steamboat we make sure to explore downtown just once. I feel that I know Steamboat really well and can get around by myself very well. We have gone so many years now that I lost count. It has just become the norm that we got there every year. I have really fallen in love with Colorado. I would love to live there when I am older. We have gone to Colorado once in the summer and it was just as fun as the winter.
In the summer, Colorado looks a lot different than in the winter. It is still gorgeous but the snow is gone and it is full of greenery and so many beautiful  plants. I feel like being in Colorado makes me look at the world differently. I feel a lot more positive and happy when I am there. I often feel like it is where I am meant to  be. I don’t know where life will take me but I hope I live in Colorado for at least a couple years.
Like with anything, you start out easy and over time do something more difficult.When I began skiing, I did easy trails and over time began to do more difficult trails. I never really thought about getting hurt, it just wasn’t something I worried about. After more runs I began to yard sale and fall and hurt myself more often. Yard saling is when you lose your skis and your poles and they're all in different directions. I am known in my family for yard sailing and have at least once every year. One time I was skiing weaving in and out of trees. I got too much speed and I tried to turn a little to slow down and I ran into a tree and scraped my back up and it was bleeding. I still have a scar from it today. Even after all the experiences of hurting myself and crying, nothing made me love skiing any less.
This past winter, we went to Steamboat just like any other year. It felt like I had been waiting for so long, but in reality it had only been a year. That is pretty long to wait for something you love though. As soon as we got into Steamboat, I just wanted to get on the mountain and get skiing. The day we got there, surprisingly we got on the mountain and started skiing. It was pretty warm out and it was later in the day so we didn’t get to ski very long.
We had been on the Steamboat website every day for the upcoming two weeks before we went. It had been snowing a lot, so after a few weeks of a lot of heavy snow, we were expecting powder and fresh snow. It was freezing and it was really sunny so a lot of snow was melting and refreezing into ice patches. I was hoping all week that would be some snow, but there wasn't. After we were done for the day we went back to the condo. It was a short day of skiing but I was ready to be done. We went back to the condo and just relaxed and get ready for dinner. We didn't really do much else besides eat and then we went to bed.
The next day I got up and ate breakfast. There's breakfast already waiting for me when I go downstairs which I wish I could have every day. I got dressed and grab my ski boots and we left. We took the shuttle to ski square and took the gondola up to the top of the mountain. I was so excited to ski knowing that I had a whole day ahead of me. We skied for a few hours and then had lunch and then we skied for a few more hours before calling it a day. That night we had pizza and I had a cheese calzone. Every time we go to Steamboat we order pizza from this place. I always get the same cheese calzone and it is the best thing ever. Everyone that was there was my immediate family, family friends and then my aunt and uncle and cousins. We all just talked and hung around. My cousin had just gotten a puppy a few days before and it was the cutest thing ever. After a few hours, everyone left and I went to bed.
It had been really warm and a lot of snow was melting and turning to mountain into an ice rink. It was scary sometimes because it was really slick and was really easy to fall. Most of it would be snow but there would be some ice spots. If you hit an ice spot wrong, you were going down. Not only that, but you can It was never too bad until the last day.  There were some trails that just seems like an ice rink and it was a really scary. It wasn’t really too bad until the end of the day.
I had been in a really bad car accident a few months before and it had affected a lot of aspects of my life. My back got hurt and still hurts to this day. After skiing for a while I would begin to get back pain. I could push through it though, it wasn’t really a major thing. One thing I can't push through is my anxiety. Since the accident my anxiety has gotten way worse and anxiety about things I never had before. Sometimes I feel like a complete idiot because of my anxiety. I feel like no one really understands it unless you go through it yourself. You try to control it, you try to calm down, and nothing works. No matter what you tell yourself, your anxiety has a mind of its own. You will be okay but your anxiety doesn't think that. That is what happened the last day of skiing, which was one of the worst experiences of my life.
I had been fine all day, there were some scary parts but nothing really had me scared for my life. It was towards the end of the day and I was wore out and tired and we all decided we were going to ski to the bottom of the mountain. We were pretty high up, so we had a while to go. We took one trail which was pretty icy, but not too bad. I did hurt my hip a little bit though. My ski slipped on the ice and it made my hip move in a weird way. It made me upset and mad, but I was fine, I just wanted to be done skiing for the day.
We had to take a really long and icy trail down, which I was not too excited for. I knew this trail was icy so I was looking at the map trying to find another way down. I wasn’t finding anything, so I guess we would just take Buddy’s Run. Although it was one of my last choices, it was the only choice. I knew I would be okay, I would just take it slow. I was really tired and upset, and tearing up an icy mountain was the last thing I would be doing. I began going down along with my dad and his friend. I felt okay about it at first, but quickly it became way worse. I began to become so nervous and my heart was racing. I kept trying to tell myself that I was almost done with that trail. After that, just a few more trails then I can just take the gondola down. Normally I ski all the way down, but even at this point I knew that wasn’t in my best interests. I was skiing down this trail like I had skied years and years prior. Just little by little, you can do it Bryn. Turn. Stop.Turn. Stop. Each extremely slow turn I took, I got more anxious. I figured I could get down if I kept going this slow.
As much as I wanted to do it and wanted to be okay, I just couldn’t. I had begun crying and just wanted to give up. My heart was racing and I was beginning to have a panic attack. I was about two thirds of the way down this trail. I stopped and tried to calm down. My dad and his friend were waiting for me at the bottom of the trail. I felt like an idiot, which my anxiety is good at. I kept trying to make myself think I would be okay. I wouldn’t get hurt, I wouldn’t die. Things will be okay, and soon it will be over. No matter how hard I try, my anxiety has control over me.
After calming down a little bit, I started skiing down again. After what seemed like an hour, I was finally at the bottom of the trail. I was balling my eyes out and having a full out panic attack. My dad’s friend went down the mountain and my dad stayed with me. He tried calming me down as best he could. He had no idea what I was experiencing, he doesn’t have anxiety or panic attacks. After a bit we decided to start the next trail. I wish we didn’t have to, but I just wanted to be done. I started skiing and immediately all of the thoughts and fears came flooding to my mind. I was so scared and could not do anything about it. After just a little bit down the trail, I was having a terrible panic attack. My body was shaking and tingling, I was balling my eyes out, hyperventilating, and going numb. Everything was a blur and my mind was doing it own thing. This was one of my worst panic attacks I had ever had.  No matter how much I describe it, you would have to experience it to understand just how horrible it was. I wouldn’t want anyone to experience such a thing.
My dad and I stopped on the side of the mountain. I sat down and was having my panic attack. He was really comforting and nice to me. He asked if I wanted him to call ski patrol and I told him no. I felt like ski patrol is only if someone is extremely hurt. Through it all, I just felt like an idiot on the side of a mountain crying. They wouldn’t take me seriously and understand what was happening to me. After about 15 minutes, my dad called ski patrol. I didn’t tell him to, he just knew it would be what was best for me. Who knows how else I would have gotten down that mountain. Maybe I would just sleep there and try again the next day. No, but actually it is good he called ski patrol because there was no way I would be skiing any more that day. Luckily my dad had just put ski patrol’s number in his phone the day before.I also was lucky that we were out in the open so we were easy to find and people checked up on us. Two different workers that were skiing by stopped and asked what was happening and if we wanted them to call ski patrol. The whole time I was balling my eyes out and I wonder what they were thinking. I wonder if they thought I was stupid or were understanding.
After what seemed like a million years, ski patrol came. It was just one guy with the sled type thing that he carried behind him while he skied.My dad had told him what had happened and he was really nice about it. He had said how the skiing conditions were bad and ski patrol had been busy with everything that was bad. He had told us about how long he had been doing this and some of his history. This made me gain a little more trust in him, but not much. I got on the sled type thing very slowly. He was holding on to it but I was really scared I would get on it and it would slide away and I would slide off the mountain. That sounds like a joke, but it was a genuine concern of mine. After a little bit, he started skiing very slowly down the mountain. I had only seen people on these when they were laying down and probably really hurt. I was sitting up and holding on because it made me feel safer than laying down. People were probably wondering why I was on it, and thought I was dumb. I felt like everyone thought I was dumb, even though most likely they didn’t. No one probably even cared or was questioning me.
We then were at the bottom of that trail and at a ski lift. My dad was waiting for me at the bottom. We took the ski lift up. At the top of the ski lift there was a snowmobile waiting for me. There was a girl driving it and then another girl who was a skier sitting on the back. She didn’t look hurt by looking at her, and hadn’t looked like she was ever crying, so I was wondering what happened to her. I walked over to the snowmobile and got on. Snowmobiles are fun and it seemed like it should have been a fun free ride, but it wasn’t. I was still miserable and scared the whole ride on it. We finally arrived at the top of the gondola. I saw my dad, and thought he was going to ride down with me, but he didn’t. I was waiting for him and after a while just decided to go by myself. I later found out that he had just skied down.
The gondola ride is about five minutes but it seemed like way longer. I was a lot calmer at this point, but still very anxious. I had stopped crying for the most part at this point. The gondola is high up, and I was extremely scared. When it would rock  just a little bit, I would tense up and was really nervous. I was so scared that the gondola was going to fall or something bad was going to happen. This is always a fear of mine, but it was intensified by a lot. I also had an extremely terrible headache. I have had terrible headaches before, but this was like nothing I had ever experienced before. It was throbbing and it was so extremely painful it made me feel sick. My panic attack was finally over with, but then this happens. I was so extremely miserable and had been for hours.
Finally, I got to the bottom of the gondola. I got off and grabbed my skis and began walking. My mom was waiting for me and I told her that I just needed to get to the condo and I wasn’t waiting. I was so miserable and could barely even walk. I finally got to the shuttle and it was so full. My mom was on there with me and we had to stand. I have no problem standing, but at this point I could barely even stand. I felt like I was going to puke and pass out. I felt so weak and felt like I couldn’t survive. My mom asked what was wrong and asked if  I needed to sit, which I did. There was no way I could though, and I didn’t want her to ask someone. The shuttle bus ride isn’t very long, but it seemed extremely long. We finally got to the condo and I got off the bus and walked so fast up to the condo. I felt like I could barely move and like I weighed a thousand pounds. I got to the condo and took off my ski stuff so fast and went to my bed. I can just not to describe the pain I was in. After about an hour of trying to fall asleep, I did. My head hurt so bad I couldn’t even fall asleep. After about a three hour nap, I woke up and my head was still terrible. It had gone down about ten percent, but was still miserable.
I stayed in bed until dinner was ready. We had prime rib and some sides, and it was really good. I wish I wasn’t so miserable so I could have enjoyed it more. This was by far the best part of my day, but the day was terrible so there wasn’t much to compare it to. I was just so ready for the day to be over. After dinner, I went back to my room and layed in bed until I fell asleep. I felt gross and had sweat on me from earlier, but had no energy to take a shower. Finally, I fell asleep and the day had come to an end.
This whole experience was absolutely terrible and I will never forget it. Anxiety has caused me a lot of pain and sadness and made me question myself a lot. It is something I hate about myself, but there is nothing I can do about it. This whole experience was caused by one of my favorite things to do, skiing. I haven’t skied since this, but I still want to. I am nervous about it, but I am not going to give up something I love from one experience. Although this was traumatizing, I got through it. Skiing has given me a lot of fun and great memories, and I won’t let it all be ruined by one thing. Although it will be hard to ski again at first, I know that I will be okay. Everything will be okay.