Saving a Toddler: My Epic Journey








A few months ago I was on a cruise ship with some friends. One day while I was tanning on the top deck, a chubby toddler fell overboard. Naturally, I dove in to save him. I then managed to tie together half a dozen sea turtles with rope. I made the rope using just the hair off my head and saliva from my mouth. Hauling the toddler onto the sea-turtle raft, I kicked my perfectly tan and muscular legs as hard as I could. I would find land. I would succeed.

Minutes later, I discovered a deserted island. I pulled the raft holding the chubby toddler to shore, telling him that it will be alright, he's with a professional. I then dove back into the army of waves and caught a giant fish with my bare hands. I proceeded to make a fire using two wooden sticks I has ripped off form a branch. The fire ignited and I made a delicious fish dinner for the chubby boy and me. As soon as we finished, I decided it was time to save the day once more and build a ship that would bring us home. I knocked down a few palm trees and created a ship that I sailed back home, navigating by the stars, of course.

As the palm tree-ship sailed to shore, I looked down at the cheerful toddler and shouted "I did it!" As usual, I thought. I've done it again. Lauren always saves the day. Always.