A Fluid Motion | Teen Ink

A Fluid Motion MAG

By Anonymous

   If you asked people (in the year 2094) what they thought of life, they would most likely glance at you and grunt, which meant that things were so-so in almost any language (in the language of an ancient tribe camped out in the great Amazon mall parking lot it meant, "See that fish? It just ate a blender.") They would not tell you about the slave-driving Boss4000 computer they worked for or about the young hooligans who killed their extended family in search of the universal drug, pine fresh correction fluid. This, in fact, rejected a universal belief that no one cared about anyone else or their thoughts, which was mostly true, most of the time.

Things were easier. Children no longer had to walk uphill to school both ways because they learned from home computers, hovercraft whisked people to work in an instant, and doorbells answered themselves. Feet had even de-evolved to the point that a size four shoe was considered enormous. People had also continued to follow the mysterious pattern of becoming taller each generation. The average height was nine feet, four inches, except for some Samoans who averaged fifteen feet. As you must realize, people were always bumping into things and falling over other people due to the lack of substantial feet. Many interesting new friendships were formed this way.

World politics had altered some. After a fierce struggle, with the help of an incredibly knowledgeable fungus, Inner Mongolia was returned to its rightful role of world leader. Unfortunately, this made some at the Village Green Tavern in Kent, England a bit testy. Fortunately, someone turned off the six-dimensional TV, and things calmed down.

But the most significant event that would occur started off very insignificantly. Many happenings are the result of something insignificant (a Cray Kagillion supercomputer recently found WWII to be the result of a green grocer's death in Utah). This event had its beginnings in the Garden of Eden.

Adam was sitting under a tree with Eve looking at a giant mushroom with ragged edges and purple spots. The fungus in question was also next to a rather large rock and somehow all this made him think of something. "Eve," he said, "Why not have kids?" Eve said yes, out of sheer boredom, and after several tries they hit it off. Of course the children were told how they came about, and it was suggested they try it, too. Over-population was born.

There were so many people by 2094 that it was said that a squirrel released in Maine could hop all the way to the Hawaiian islands on the heads of people, provided that the people did not mind. The world census records had to be stored in an alternate universe because there was no room for them anywhere else. All this had a terrible effect on the 4000 telephone companies worldwide.

With over a trillion calls a minute, the operators on the information line were going stark raving mad. Replacements were becoming hard to find. A solution was clearly needed.

On December 14, a finite number of scientists were lingering over tea and crumpets in a pleasant cafe on the 23rd level of Sydney, Australia. They were discussing a computer which was to be called the VBTCC-1 (Very Big Telephone Company Computer Number One). After a heated debate and several bloody murders, a design hastily scribbled on a cocktail napkin in raspberry jam, was finally accepted.

Construction began underwater in the New Sea (the result of a horribly managed river-control program) and after 4 years, the VBTCC-1 was completed. Upon realization that it would do little good seven miles under water, the technicians blew it up and started the construction of a new one. The VBTCC-2 was built in space, as it should have been in the first place.

When the day of completion arrived, there was a gala party. Everyone got pickled and most everyone forgot the courtship ritual and mated with total strangers. Nine months later, the maternity wards almost collapsed upon themselves and became black holes.

After 6.457x10 years of uneventful, and dreadfully boring operation, the VBTCC-2 became miffed at the task appointed to it, put everyone on hold, and began calculating a 1000-year weather pattern for Scotland. It seemed as if someone had snatched the bedcovers from chaos, rolled over twice, finally woke up and began stomping around.

Perpetual hold was at that time unknown to science.

No one could communicate. Things ground rather quickly and squeakily to a halt. The mega-marts could not take orders, the stock market collapsed (five billion committed suicide when they heard the news), transcontinental gossip was abruptly ended, and Ethiopia was forced to end the nuclear exchange with Newark, New Jersey (overlooked by the rest of the country since it kept the population down).

After five days of listening to Barry Manilow's greatest hits, the whole world population bumbled outside and started to blither. It seems that a fifth grader picked this moment to light and throw a M-360 mega-firecracker. Everyone became startled and started running in the general direction of Belgium.

It was said that the world stampede could be seen clearly from space. Some said it was quite groovy and circumnavigated the globe at least five times. Many of the smaller mountain ranges were flattened and several new mineral deposits were also found.

When the stampede ended, a general feeling of foolishness prevailed. The entire population went home and took hot baths, draining the oceans.

At the same time, the earth decided it was supporting a bunch of nimrods and left.

Most people found it quite a shock to be floating in space, but they all died thirty seconds later, so it does not really matter what they thought, cosmically speaking. Some, however, decided that someone was going to be sued for an enormous amount of money. They lived for a full four minutes before their determination gave out.

And that is what happened to humans, although no one in the universe really cares. n

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This article has 2 comments.

i love this !

on Jun. 4 2010 at 9:28 pm
Imaginedangerous PLATINUM, Riverton, Utah
31 articles 0 photos 402 comments
I loved it- made me laugh out loud. The writing style reminded me strongly of Douglas Adams. Good job. :)