“To wake up to the vibrant sun is just what I’d like, not this darkness I see every day. The sun isn’t bright, despite it clearly shining. What can I do to change this? Despite there being color everywhere, it looks too grim to be considered a color. Despite there being affection around me, why don’t I feel it? It’s too superficial. Too much seems fake, too little is not enough. Even when it’s just right, nothing changes. No warm feeling like how love is described, no happiness at all. What can I do when nothing makes me happy? Sure, I could laugh when I see something funny, but that isn’t happiness. Just as soon as it starts, it ends. What can I do to change when there is no light in my life? The only one I had is gone. Worries plague me whenever I think. Dopamine isn’t even enough anymore. The internet that used to make me so joyful, so full, makes me feel hollow. I consume more and more, longing to feel something that isn’t anger, but I feel nothing. I can’t imagine a future with myself in it. I can’t imagine myself pursuing an actual career. I can’t imagine anything going well in my life. I wake up to go to sleep instead of sleeping to wake up, just like that one guy said.”

This is unlike me. It’s so stupid. Something is wrong with me, I know that, but what does that change? Nothing ever changed. Nothing improved, it only got worse. My thoughts only got worse. I used to look forward to things, but now I’m left pondering over what my existence even is and what it means. I mean sure, I think therefore I am. Since I’m capable of thinking, I exist. But what would nonexistence look like? I hate to think about it. It hurts to think about it. Being conscious is the worst. I’d rather be a cat than be capable of thinking.

Thinking about time sucks. It goes by so quickly yet slowly, that it doesn’t feel consistent. Thinking about existence sucks. To exist and not exist, it’s the fate of everything to eventually not exist. So why? Why must we experience such a horrid thing called life if we’ll eventually cease to exist? Thinking about anything space-related sucks. The emptiness of space makes me feel lonelier, which is completely absurd. I expect something like Guardians of the Galaxy in space because of how fun it would be, but it isn’t like that.

Thinking about death sucks. To be aware of your mortality is such a painful thing to know. Knowing that eventually, you’ll leave this world hurts, and yet seems like freedom like no other. But is there really something afterward? Is there a heaven or a hell? Is reincarnation real? Or is it just nonexistence? It hurts to think about it.

Thinking about eternity sucks. Eternal life would be a life full of eternal suffering. You’d live until the end of time and keep living after that. To exist when nothing exists, with no means to end that suffering, is terrifying. Reincarnation, in a way, is an eternity of its own. Siddhartha Gautama must’ve seen that, seeing how Buddhism’s focus is achieving Nirvana, a state of nonexistence. To reincarnate into another life after a previous one for all eternity is terrifying. The only positive thing would be that you forget everything about your previous life. At the very least then you’d forget the suffering you had previously experienced.

Thinking about anything sucks. It makes you realize just how small you really are when compared to anything else. The numbers you’d normally see in math are very large, yet you easily forget just how much it is. You could see numbers on the screen that mark out how much you’re earning through investing and stocks, but you’d completely forget that those numbers you are seeing are money. What started as $100 could now be $5000, but you’d forget that and think it’s just a number. You’d forget that the 5000 you see is money and treat it as something disposable. In a way, that’s how you could gamble all your savings away in a casino and not even realize it. When you look at science, all the concepts apply to everything in the universe, even though we haven’t even been out there. How do they know that the laws of physics even apply everywhere in the universe?

“But it doesn’t have to be this way, does it? If you focus on the smaller things, things might change. Try to search for hobbies, for things you can enjoy. Things that make you happier than you were yesterday.”

“I used to seek knowledge, wanting to be someone everyone could go to if they needed help in anything. However, I no longer wish to do so. Knowledge is another eternity, one that will never end. I don’t want to learn anymore. It intrigues me still, but I don’t want to learn it anymore. The more I learn, the worse my thoughts get. Learning is suffering. Buddha was wrong.”

“Learning makes time go by slower. It’s essential in life to learn. Either to learn something new, like how computers work or learn from your past mistakes.”

“I don’t want to learn. I don’t want to be constrained to do what others say. I just want to live. Live without having to worry about paying bills. Live without having to be stressed over due dates. To live happily with someone, to have a reason to live. I don’t have that now, and I don’t think I ever will.”

“Try meeting new people. Try traveling around the world. Try new things. If you try enough things, you’ll eventually find your passion. That is my reason to live.”