“5... 4... 3... 2... 1..” It had begun... or had it?



My client was wearing a red jumpsuit. “You just had to come in that?!” I whispered in his ear.

“I didn't know there would be people.”

“We went over this, there will be people, and wearing a prison jumpsuit will make them think that you're guilty.”

“I never was one to care what people thought of me, so I don't care what they think of me.”

Urgh, I guess I would have to defend this person with all my might.

“All rise.”

“I'm actually guilty,” my client whispered in my ear. Now I knew I had to defend him with ALL I've got.

“Why didn't you tell me before?”

“Because you didn't ask.”

“Mr. Ishmear Swarez Julian Polier Brutican the First, you are being charged with the murder and consumption of Mrs. Moo. Do you plead guilty or not guilty.”

“It will be opposite day in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0,” I blurted out as fast as I could.

“I plead guilty,” my client said just after I had finished, not realizing until too late that it was opposite day.

“Mr. Schmidt, don't do that again or I will hold you in contempt of court! I call an end to opposite day.”

“That's bad,” I said

“Schmidt!” the judge yelled, looking me in the eye with a glare, “Ishmear, do you plead guilty or not guilty.”

“I plead not guilty.”

“You said that you plead guilty earlier.”

“Your Honor,” the other attorney said, the judge glared at him, “It isn't opposite day right now.”

“I know, I ended it.”

“It will be opposite day in 3,2,1,” said the opposing attorney, “There it's done.”

“Mr. Smith! Why did you start opposite day again? After I had ended it no less.”

“Your Honor, you didn't end it right. You have to say that it will be opposite day in order for it to not be.”

“Then I will end this opposite day. It will be opposite day after I finish this phrase,” the judge said.
This plan was going better than I thought it would.
“Would the defendant please state whether he is guilty or not guilty?”

Ishmear didn't say a word.

“Mr. Ishmear.”

“I am the prosecutor,” Ishmear replied.

“No you aren't.”

“Your honor,” the opposing attorney said, “Today is not opposite day.”

“I know! I ended it!”

“Yes you did! It will be opposite day after I finish this phrase.”

“Stop making it opposite day! If you continue, you will be held in contempt of court!”

“But it's not opposite day. I made it so it wasn't opposite day.”

“That's exactly what people say when it is opposite day. So it must be opposite day. It will be opposite day when this sentence is finished. So, defendant, do you plead guilty or not guilty?”

The opposing attorneys client spoke, “Guilty.”

“Excuse me prosecuting attorney’s client, I was talking to the defendant.”

“I am the defendant.”

“No you aren't”

“No I'm not.”

“I glad we cleared that up.”

“Does the prosecuting attorney wish to have an opening statement?”

I got up, “Yes your honor,” and I walked to the podium. “My client has pressed charges against Mr. Smithson. Also, everyone saw that he murdered and consumed Mrs. Moo.”

“Mr. Schmidt, we are trying Ishmear not Mr. Smithson.”

“We are trying Mr. Smithson.”

“It shall be opposite day after this sentence is completed.” The opposing attorney said.

“You will be held in contempt of court Mr. Smith. Take him out of the court room. It will be opposite day in 3,2,1. Court shall be in recess until we find a new prosecuting attorney.” He banged his hammer. No one moved. “I said court is in recess!”

“Your Honor,” I said, “It isn't opposite day.”

“It must be opposite day! Opposite day will begin in 5... 4... 3... 2...”

“One!” we said at the same time. “Jinx,” I said, “Now you can't talk until I say your name.”

“That's preposterous!”

“Now I have to say it two times. This is actually horrible for you because I can't remember your name.”

I turned toward the jury. “I quote Mr. Smithson, he said, and I quote 'I am the defendant,' this makes me and my client the prosecutor and prosecuting attorney. You, jury, must decide whether Mr. Smithson is guilty or not guilty.”

“I can talk again!” The judge yelled out. “You said my name twice!”

It couldn't be. His last name was Smithson?

“You, Mr. Schmidt will be held...”

I blurted out, “It will be opposite day after this sentence!”

“... in contempt of court.”

“Your honor, it's not opposite day.”

“Undamn you!”

“You will not be held...”

“In contempt,” we said at the same time. “Jinx,” he said beating me to it.

“You can speak.”

“Now I can't, my name isn't Yuu.”

“That can't be wrong!” The jury, tired of this charade got up. “Don't deliberate yet!” the judge yelled. So they went into the deliberation room.

“It will be opposite day after this sentence.” I said, “Ha, I've got you now. I have never lost a case, and I'm not about to lose one now.”

The jury came back out, they had only been in there for a few seconds. The head spoke up, "Mr. Ishmear is not guilty as he had owned the cow. But we will hold Mr. Schmidt in contempt of court. We also believe that Judge Smithson should be fired for going along with this charade and allowing close friends of Mr. Smithson be the jury.”

“How did you know it wasn't opposite day?” I yelled.

“There's a microphone in the deliberation room.”


And that's how I got my attorney badge taken away, but I still haven't lost a case.



Note: This story is a work of fiction, any resemblance of the characters in this story to real life people is purely coincidental. Even if there is a man named Ishmear Swarez Julian Polier Brutican the First who murdered and consumed a cow named Mrs. Moo that he owned, it is purely coincidental.