“There isn’t a reason for my confusion. I’m simply confused. Isn’t it enough to be confused, and that’s that? Everyone always wants a reason, an answer, a why? I just don’t see the point in beginning to explain a matter that just can’t be. Why can’t there be some closure in confusion, a grace period of sorts? If a person could simply say “I’m confused.” Without someone feeling obligated to explain things to them, or someone overcome with the curiosity of the why, I think the world would be a much more relaxed place. Once you begin to explain your confusion, it’s just a train wreck. Thoughts bounce in and out of your head, but you aren’t sure exactly which ones are valid and which are just stupid, so you pick a few and blurt them out. But somehow you’ll always end up saying the wrong thing, and the person will then be confused as well, and the cycle begins all over again-only this time, you feel obligated to explain their confusion.”

A blank expression comes across her face.
“What? I’m confused.”
“Exactly,” I sigh.

“Another thing, why does everyone feel the need to have something they’re good at? It’s the base of all competition, it’s the base of all disappointment. It’s the base of fear, anxiety, stress, and pain. Why should we continue to search for something to brag about, if we come up with failure every single time? Why do people still continue to search for their thing, even after the pain of being rejected and put down time and again?”

She gazes off into the distance.
“You’re only saying that because you haven’t found your thing yet,”
“Maybe so. But I can’t be the only one who hasn’t. Loads of people think they’ve found their thing, but then they realize that they haven’t, and they’re back to square one.” I explained, earnestly.
“No, look. People try because they don’t know what else to do with themselves. It’s in their nature. People try because they long for the feeling of appreciation, and that longing is powerful enough to overcome the feelings of shame, humiliation, and failure. But you’re different. The longing for greatness isn’t there in you, so there’s nothing to drive you forward after you fail. So you quit. You stop trying, because the desire simply isn’t there.”

I picked at a hangnail in silence. Finally, she lifted my chin and looked straight into my eyes.
“You need help.” She says, seriously.

“I know,” I say, not breathing.