Her fingers desperately held onto the teddy bear in her hands, squeezing it so hard that its beady little eyes almost popped out of its head. It comforted her, in a way. The teddy bear was given to her by her brother on her seventeenth birthday, and holding on to it made her feel close to him. It seemed to provide her more comfort than anything else at the moment. Nobody could understand what her mind was. It seemed to be a blur of things – memories, feelings, hopes, dreams. Her feelings were easy to pick apart – loathing, indifference, a small drop of love, hopelessness, and loneliness. The latter feeling seemed to be overcoming her now. It probably wasn’t healthy, though, but she wasn’t ready to spill her secrets just to get that bit of comfort.
Her brother couldn’t help anymore in person. She couldn’t have afforded telling him about their parents and the Christmas break. He eventually found out, though. But now he couldn’t do anything about it. She faintly registered that he was probably looking down at her, but she couldn’t care less. He wasn’t here anymore. He would never be. Her legs backed her up, and her back was met with a wall. She was lowered down by some force, or possibly the sheer force of nothing, but the next thing she knew was that her head was between her knees and she didn’t know what to do anymore. She knew her eyes were damp, but nothing would come out. Nothing ever did. It was as if she was completely numb now, and nothing was there to erase that numbness. It overwhelmed her mind, though, and she forgot about everything.
No, wait. Something was there in her eye. Was it threatening to come out? She hadn’t cried for over a year now. She didn’t even remember what it felt like. She couldn’t afford to cry. It made her feel weak. She hated feeling weak. But sometimes, you can’t help it. Sometimes, the feeling is so strong - the pain is so strong – that it overwhelms your mind and senses, and your eyes do what they feel is right. A tear was dripping down her face now, leaving a salty line behind. She wanted to touch it, to examine it. Her sadistic side wanted to see just how weak she was.
Her brain defied her, though, and a slideshow of images flashed in front of her. Her brother, laughing and smiling. The last time he did that was on her birthday. Was that 5 or 6 months ago? She couldn’t remember. But it hurt her. It formed a hole in her heart – which she thought didn’t even exist anymore – and her chest hurt. More images flashed in front of her. Luke’s dead body. A scream of anguish left her throat, and more tears rolled down her face.
Her mind screamed. “Make it stop,” that short phrase left her mouth in a small whimper but her mind did not co-operate. Another image, this time of Catherine and Jonathan. More screams. More tears. Her eyes were puffy now, and her nose was red. She hadn’t cried in so long, but now that she began, she didn’t seem to stop. Her whimpers echoed around her, reminding her that she was all alone. Always alone. A pang of loneliness spread throughout her body. She didn’t want to be alone. She never wanted to be alone. But she distanced herself from everybody. She had nobody.
Her head raised of its own accord, and her eyes went to the sky. Her eyesight was blurry, but she didn’t want to wipe the tears away. They felt good, in a way; as if a huge load was lifted from her head. That didn’t mean that she wanted to cry. But sometimes things happen that were never wanted, and yet, they feel good. Her head hurt. She wanted to clutch it, but her hands didn’t seem to want to do anything. She tried focusing on the sky - that was visible above the railing of the balcony - again.
The night was clear. Normally, this would have been a wonderful opportunity to stargaze, but she couldn’t bring herself to do that. The only thing she wanted to do was to stare at the sky, blankly, and hold onto the teddy bear until her fingers screamed in protest. That was it. The so-called oblivion. The never-ending place. Would oblivion really be that bad? She couldn’t look at the sky anymore – it reminded her of everything that went wrong. And right now, she was looking for complete emptiness. No thoughts, no feelings – she needed to be empty. A plain carcass of what she was.
Her legs finally gained enough energy to let her stand, still leaning against the wall. The teddy bear dropped from her hand and lay forgotten on the ground – the last of her memories in solid form. The railing of the balcony seemed too far away, yet so close. She doubted whether she could make it. But going there was the only thing that would prevent her from breaking down completely. It felt slightly good to admit it to herself – that she was, in fact, completely broken and battered due to her emotions and memories that clouded her judgment. Probably not this time, though. This time all she wanted to do was to get to that railing, to feel the rusty iron against her fingertips, and to feel the cold wind numbing her face. One step. And then another. A few more times. And then she was there. Standing with her hands holding onto the rods. But it wasn’t enough. Because she was still looking at the sky, and the stars seemed to be forming Luke’s face. She couldn’t bare it. She didn’t have enough sanity to look at it and just plainly remember.
She needed to see her brother in person. It was finally settling in that he was dead, but the reason made it worse. Her parents weren’t exactly the most accepting of people – she knew that. When they found out that she secretly wanted to be a writer instead of a psychoanalyst, they forever changed the way she thought about them. After what they did to her, she didn’t have the guts to look them in the eye anymore. The monster she thought was nonexistent came out that day. She tried so hard to protect Luke, but it didn’t work. They found out that he wanted to be a doctor instead of taking up the family business. And when the hired assassin shot the gun, and the bullet pierced her younger brother’s chest, it was obvious that her life was going to go downhill from there. She just didn’t know it. But now that it finally hit her, it hit her hard.
Her back was bending a bit now as she tried looking at the ground instead. Looking at the sky simply deepened her wound and she didn’t want to deal with the pain at that moment. The space between her and the grass seemed so vast, so huge. Her back was bendinng further and further, and she was on her tiptoes now. A small prodding began in her head, but she paid it no mind. What would it tell her anyway? Remind her of all the awful things going around in her mind? Remind her about the fact that Catherine and Jonathan were actually dead? Maybe it would flash images of her parents again. Maybe of her brother. She couldn’t afford seeing those and breaking all over again. It was either complete demolition now, or a proper fix. But nobody was there to fix her. Nobody ever could fix her. Nobody ever would fix her.
Her right foot was off the ground now. She was plainly balancing because of her hands, and soon she lifted her left leg as well. The prodding became louder, and she shut it off. She shut herself off. Go hard or go home, right? Well, she wasn’t planning on going home to her parents. This was the only option, and she was going to take it. Her hands no more held the railing, and her body leaned forward, forward, and forward. And then nothing. She was falling. Gravity was pulling her down with all its might, and she felt free. Maybe this would help. Maybe this was it; the solution to everything.
Her blood rushed to her brain, and it felt good. It was numbing the pain. Everything felt numb. That’s what she needed. The icy cold air felt like needles on her body, and it felt good. The fall was going to be long, but she didn’t want that. She needed everything to just go away. The pain, the suffering. It all needed to just go. Blocking out her mind wasn’t working again, and this time the images were worse. The anguish she felt was terrible and she opened her mouth to scream. It wasn’t out of fear. She wasn’t scared of what was about to come. No, she was scared of what had already happened. And that was what terrified many the least, but it was what impacted everything that happened in the future. Her decision right now was a result of that.
Was time going slowly? Was the universe so utterly punishing that it wanted to prolong her suffering even when she was close to ending it? It seemed as if all her happy thoughts had been sucked out of her and the only thing she could recall was whatever was left. Luke’s laugh kept haunting her, and his death was her fault. It was all her fault. Everything was her fault, and she realized it. She was a needle at the back of everybody’s neck, constantly causing the pain. Drawing it out, slowly. It was all her fault, and that was overwhelming her. The feeling of flying turned into bitter hardness, and she felt as if somebody was now dragging her through liquid mercury.
The ground was finally a little closer now, yet so far away. A small spark ignited in her mind, and with childish innocence it seemed to whisper, “I don’t want to die.” But she had to. It was the only way out. Her life started flashing before her eyes and she kept seeing Luke’s and Catherine’s and Jonathan’s deaths over and over again. The way the bullet ran through Luke’s heart. The way he fell to the ground, his always-smiling eyes finally losing their spark. The way she screamed her throat raw. The way Catherine ran to him.
The way her parents nodded at the assassin. The way the heartless man shot another bullet, this time running straight through her favourite female cousin’s brain. Jonathan’s death was the most gruesome, though. The memory blinded her vision, and a room came into focus. The same white wallpaper that had spots of red-brown on it. She remembered being vaguely confused about why Jonathan – the one who always needed everything to be clean – would tolerate haphazard spots on his wall. Then slowly, as her eyes scanned the room, she saw a rope hanging from the fan. And that’s when her world stopped spinning, because that, along with the note painted on the wall, was a clear implication of what Jonathan had done. And it broke his dear cousin’s heart into unimaginable pieces. “I’m sorry, Ri. I had to. I can’t live without my sister. Luke would understand, but I’m meeting him in a few minutes. I’ll greet him from your side. Tell him what you’re going through, and force him to be your guardian angel. Although I doubt that’ll take any convincing. He’s probably looking over you right now. Do one favour for me, though. Wipe this off once you’ve read it? Thank you, Ri. I love you.”
The room faded out of her vision and the ground was just a few feet away. She stretched her arms and legs, waiting for the impact to hit her. 10 feet. 7 feet. A little less. 3 feet. And then nothing.
Her limbs were now twisted beyond measure, and her head just seemed to hit a sharp rock, causing her skull to cave in and her head to bleed internally and externally. She felt none of it. She was finally free. Her brother was standing in front of her with that same smile that brightened her day, and she forgot about her mortal form in front of her as she walked towards him, ready to feel those comforting arms around her again. Her soul was finally free of all the burden that had been placed on its mortal brain.
Adriana Smith was finally free, and she had never felt better. The fall was just the catalyst – the beginning of a new rising.