Scrat Man | Teen Ink

Scrat Man

October 27, 2009
By jeter95 BRONZE, Roslyn, New York
jeter95 BRONZE, Roslyn, New York
4 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you're going to play at all, you're out to win. Baseball, board games, playing Jeopardy, I hate to lose."


There was once a young lad…by the name of Patrick. See Patrick was no ordinary lad. His life consisted of Soda bread, his girlfriend Jillian and his chara Vladmia. One day, Patrick was going about on daily rounds while he encountered a squirrel. This was no run of the mill squirrel, this squirrel was supernatural. He offered Patrick three wishes. Patrick put great consideration into the offer, yet believed that he was not ready to take on the great responsibility that would come with this vast power. So he respectfully declined the squirrel. He then continued journeying through the vast mountains of Columbia where he bumped into his great pal, Vladmia.

P: Ello chop’.
V: Good morning, kind sir.
P: How are you doing my boy?
V: I’m doing great, thank you for asking. What about you sir?
P: I’m doing rather triumphantly but I just had the weirdest thing happen. A squirrel offered me three wishes.
V: No way, you’re a crazy man. Have you overdosed on your sleeping pills?!?

Patrick then became rather offended and approached Vladmia rather aggressively. Vlad proceeded to reach for his pocket as he then became convinced that Patrick had lost his mind and might harm him. Patrick then did a barrel roll, avoided the handgun that Vladmia revealed and drew out his own scuzbunny to avoid danger and scare off crazy Vladmia and get out of the horrid situation. Patrick then sprinted for the valley where the market was. He ran into that squirrel yet again and realized that he knew what to do with the wishes now.

S: So, Patrick, you have decided to ask for the wishes again but shall I warn your soul that not everything will be as it seems and you may be punished for past acts.
P: Okay whatever whatever…first, I want a huge mansion, SO large that the queen of England will be envious.
S: Are you sure about that last part?
P: Yes, I want that woman to regret what she did to my mother back in ‘67’.
S: Izzy wizzy lets get busy, presto chango, sim sala bim . OPEN SESAME!

And just like that, young Pat poofed into a gargantuan room that seemed to be as regal as the castle of the queen herself.

P: Where are we squirrel, you menace?
S: In the most regal, amazing home ever.
P: Donald Trump’s house?
S: The queen of England! You live here now.
P: WHAT! And where does she live?
S: Your old house… I guess you can propose we made a swaporoo.
P: Ya must be outcha mind, young fella? They will behead me for this, you little lolydazzling lad. Make it go back NOW!
S: I am so sorry but you my friend agreed that everything may not be as it seems when wished upon. Ya now have two more wishes.
P: Okay dokay then, I would like to validate my second wish.
S: And what would that wish be?
P: I wish for the Yankees to murder the other team in this year’s World Series.
S: Cracka dacka ding dong.

And with the flash of city lights this wish had come true but literally. Patrick was startled by the commotion within the room and quickly turned to the majestic squirrel as he questioned where they were? )

S: Patrick, we are in one of the largest court disputes of history as the New York Yankees have supposedly assassinated the whole team of the Pittsburgh Pirates.
P: Wait, WHAAAA?!!?
S: As you wished, the Yankees murdered alright.
P: They didn’t win…o gosh!
S: Yea…they are also in jail.
P: So now what?...I have another wish?
S: Yes.
P: I want a hamburger.
S: Okay.

A hamburger poofed and it looked delicious.

S: Good bye.

And just like that Patrick had caused murder, and he lived in a castle while eating a juicy hamburger. The squirrel then turned around and said what dreams some of us have. Patrick woke up and realized that he had just taken a long nap. Then Vladmia walked into his house.

V: What happened to you mate? Guerrero and I had the greatest day ever, but I bet it would’ve been better if you were there as well.

P: Get out of my house…I have just awoken, you scum.

Vladmia then sprinted outside and waited 5 minutes for Patrick to get ready.
P: Where’s Jillian?
V: On her way over, we shall hit the park up after as planned?
P: Indeed.

Patrick and Vladmia then smoked a Cuban cigar each as they waited for Jillian to leave for the park

P: What shall we do in the park?
V: Have a good time?
J: No, we shall stroll.
P: Ok.

Midway through the stroll Patrick dropped his wallet. His friends went ahead as he searched for it. Patrick then all of a sudden heard a familiar friend call his name while looking for the wallet. Could it be?! Yes, it was the squirrel who once again offered Patrick three wishes. Patrick, this time, wisely denied the wishes as he found his wallet and caught up to his friends as they all lived sadly ever after.

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