Dear Family,
I know I won’t make it out of this alive. I am being held captive at school, by a bizarre
man with weapons. The girls and I are lined against the chalkboard. Emma escaped, but Barbie is here with me. I know that I needed to tell you this, I hate being Amish. Once I was old enough I was going to flee. Forever. I want to be free to see the world. I feel like I was meant to be more. I hope that you will still love me, and remember me as your loving daughter. I will miss you all deeply. Tell my brothers and Emma that I’m glad it’s me, not them. If Barbie survives, tell her to be fearless and know that I loved her. I have asked the man to shoot me first, since I am the oldest. Barbie has pleaded to be shot second. He seemed to be getting more and more angry. He talked on the phone to what I believe is the police. He said, “If the state police are not off property in 2 seconds, I will kill these children.” The person on the other end said something in a panicked voice that I didn’t understand, but he ended the call. And with that, he also ended my life.

I feel like nothing. I feel hollow. Yet I feel free. I look down. I’m in the school. I see my body, covered in blood. Barbie is wounded. She clenches her hip and right shoulder , lying motionless on the ground. I see her chest rise and fall the slightest bit, so I know she is alive. Policemen enter the building, only to find the killer, lying in a puddle of blood, not moving. He has shot himself also. Girls are rushed out of the school, but I stay by Barbie’s side. I can tell I am not alive, only a soul. I whisper over and over “Be strong, everything is fine.”, even though I know she can’t hear a word. I see my parents rush next to Barbie. They try to find me, but I am only a body, a ghostly shade of white and without a soul. At the sight, they do their best not to panic, or scare Barbie and Emma. Barbie is loaded into an Ambulance with raging sirens and frazzled medics, attempting to save her life. She says one thing and one thing only the whole way in a powerless voice ,”Marian.” I long to be with her, right by her side, helping her through this. We arrive at the hospital, a gigantic building which I have only seen in photos. She is rushed into a room where my parents are ordered to stay outside. I take a seat by my mother, trying to comfort her when I remember she cannot interact with me. After immeasurable hours of waiting, a doctor returns saying that Barbie will live, but has extensive damage to her shoulder. It will need to go under surgery, rapidly. The man disappears for another period of time which feels like a decade. The next person to talk to my parents about Barbie is a surgeon, who say the surgery went flawless. They go to see her, but she is out cold due to painkillers. She looks as my body did back at the school, pale and limp. A monitor indicates that her heart is beating, even though she looks dead. I hold her soft, limp hand, but I can’t grasp anything. My parents leave the hospital and I follow close behind. They head back to the school to check back on my siblings, and they look around, as if they are trying to find me. But all they see is the school house and devastated families. They move away to converse with a cop for several minutes, but I do not follow. I watch after the children, just as I did when I was living. I have realized by now that no one can hear me or feal my touch, but I give each child a kiss on the forehead. Then it hits me. I finally realize what I have given up. A family. The only thing that matters. My family. All because I said, ”Shoot me first.”