It was the year A.D. 128, in a Roman Legion camp outside Mediolanum in North Italy, and two Roman Legionnaires were hunched over an ant hill just outside the fort’s west wall.

“Caius, what do you think they think of us, huh? I mean, we must be like gods to them; us being so big and strong compared to them,” asked the first legionnaire, Titus Corius.

“I don’t know Titus, maybe they think we’re demons, since we kill them so often. Do you think it’s wrong to kill ants Titus?” responded the second legionnaire, Caius Trilus.

Before Titus could respond, a centurion, Lucius Nullius Pulla, walked up behind the two of them and grabbed the back of their shirt collars, hauling them to their feet.

“What in Emperor Hadrian’s name are you two buffoons doing?” yelled the centurion. “I have half a mind to arrest you two fools for desertion!”

A frightened Caius whimpered, “But, but, sir, what have we done wrong? We were just, um, observing the, um, martial tactics of the ants when responding to a larger, more powerful force, like, uh, humans. Because we are, um, larger and more threatening, even though they have a larger number, of um… numbers. Sir.”

“How they let idiots like you two into the Legion, I’ll never understand,” Lucius dropped Caius and Titus, and then beckoned them to follow him back into the fort. “Evidently the general despises me,” Lucius continued, “He has seen it fit to assign us a little recon mission. Unfortunately, you two will be accompanying me to scout out that barbaric German tribe to the north. The general seems to think that they are the ones who kidnapped the Governor of Mediolanum’s daughter.”

“Wait? You mean go into enemy territory and… and… fight!?” exclaimed Titus with a shiver down his spine.

“By the gods, it’s just a scouting mission! And even if we do get caught and have to fight, you’re soldiers. Why else did you join the bloody army?” bellowed Lucius, dumbfounded by the absurdity of his subordinates.
“We heard that the ladies find soldiers attractive,” joked Caius.

“Decent soldiers, maybe, not arrow fodder like you two,” said Lucius with a smirk. “Now come on you pack mules! Grab your gear and let’s get this nightmare over with.”

The three got their supplies, and marched out. For the next few hours, they walked on. At about three in the afternoon, they stopped to rest by a river for a few minutes.

Soon after stopping, Titus came up to Lucius, who was washing his feet in the stream.

“Lucius centurion sir, I have come to report that my feet are sore. I hereby request one week of leave time. Please, sir,” Titus pleaded of his commander. For a moment, Lucius just looked at him.

“Legionary, exactly what part of the Roman army don’t you understand; that it depends on physical excellence from its soldiers, or that there is no such thing as leave time in this most glorious legion of Rome!” bellowed Lucius with exasperation. “You fight for ten years, and if you’re still alive, you get some land and go home. Only if you lose a limb or something will you ever be dispatched from the front lines while under my command. Understand?”

“Sir, yes sir!” saluted the petrified legionnaire. Titus ran back to Caius, who was skipping stones in the waterway.

“I ask you, Lady Fortuna, goddess of fortune, to bless this here stone and let me trump all other stone-skippers of the past,” Caius prayed for the success of his toss. He then threw the stone, and it skipped four times before sinking to the bottom of the river. “Yes! Thank thee, oh mighty goddess of luck!”

“Wow! I want to try that,” exclaimed Titus gleefully. Caius nodded, handing him a stone. Titus began his own prayer to the gods, “Oh lovely sky woman of luck, I beg of you to, um, make this rock bounce and give me great joy!” He then hurled the stone with all his might. Completely missing the river, it hit a tree on the far bank, and ricocheted back towards Lucius.

“Sir, watch out!” warned Caius, but it was too late. The rock zoomed past, and as Lucius looked up to see what the commotion was about, it struck him on the bridge of his nose.

“By the gods!” he shrieked, and began cursing many a profanity in Latin. “damnare eam Tite! quid inferorum hoc nefas te ferendus insipiens! te volo tu nescio quid vox iam mortuum, idiota!

“Please, sir, I don’t think that kind of language is appropriate,” suggested Caius. Lucius looked at him, and then gave him an instruction.

“Legionary Caius, I order you to hold down legionary Titus, while I chop off his unserviceable cranium!” commanded Lucius with rage.

“Sir, that might get a bit messy, I suggest waiting until we have a proper executioner,” advocated Titus apprehensively.

“I swear to the gods, that I, Lucius Nullius Pulla, will kill you, you insufferable fool!” yelled Lucius as he lunged out at Titus, sword in hand, screaming a battle cry to be dreaded. Caius jumped at him, tackling the mad centurion to the ground. They wrestled about for many a minute, before they finally calmed down.

Without saying anything, Lucius then beckoned them to continue marching, and they packed up and left. Within a few more hours, they had neared the German camp. It was perhaps nine hours after noon, and the cold winter breeze prompted the trio to make rest for the night.

After setting up a small camp, Lucius sat down on top of a tree stump, using his centurion cape as a blanket. Caius leaned up against a tree, while Titus sat on a small boulder.

“I-I-I still don’t see why we ca-ca-can’t have a fire,” whimpered Titus while shivering. “I mean, it-it’s the middle of w-w-winter.”

“How many bloody times do I have to explain it to you? If we make a fire the Germans will see us, and then this mission will have failed before it started,” explained Lucius, being cozy and warm under his cape.

“Well then why don’t w-w-we get a b-b-blanket?” questioned Caius, also freezing.

“Because the general doesn’t think you’re important enough to have a cape, so you can’t use what you don’t have as a blanket,” Lucius said with a yawn. “I’m going to sleep, Titus, you’re on first watch, wake me when the moon is in the middle of the sky.”

“Yes sir, centurion, sir!” said Titus saluting his senior officer. Lucius and Caius lie down and fall asleep quickly. Titus sat watching the woods around them, yawning occasionally. After about half an hour, he too drifted into sleep.

Lucius opened his eyes. He sat up and looked around. Good gods, how long did I sleep? Where in Jupiter’s name are Caius and Titus? thought Lucius as he stood up, still not seeing Caius or Titus anywhere. “Caius? Titus? Where the blazes are you fools?”

“Shh! Lucius, centurion sir, you’ll alert Titus! We’re playing hide and seek! Hurry, you have to hide!” whispered Caius hiding behind a tree.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. Stand at attention legionnaires Caius Trilus and Titus Corius!” shouted Lucius at the top of his lungs. Caius ran out of hiding and stood straight and stiff in front of Lucius. Titus came out from the woods and did the same.

The two of them saluted, and waited for orders. “Legionary Titus Corius! I explicitly ordered you to wake me when the moon was centered in the sky. Why did you not wake me, you idiot!?”

“Umm, well, for starters sir, I am unaware as to the meaning of the word you just used, explicitly, and secondly sir, I fell asleep, um, sir,” nervously stated Titus.

Lucius shook his head. “Why do I even bother? Might as well just kill myself right here and now. No point in waiting for you two to do something stupid and get us all killed. At least I can then claim an honorable death.”

“Sir! You can’t do that! If we go back to camp and you’re dead, the general will think we killed you and he’ll have us crucified!” said Caius, afraid for his life.

“Nice to know you care. Anyways, we must be out. The German warriors will be out hunting for food today, leaving only the women and children in the village. We have to avoid them at all costs. If we are seen then this mission is a failure,” dictated Lucius with the utmost seriousness.

“Oh yeah, the kids here are really nice. There’s this one, I think his name is Borix, and he is like the best hide-and-seek player ever,” interrupted Titus.

“You… you… You idiot! You made contact with the enemy and you didn’t tell me? That boy is probably racing to his parents right this instant, and they’re grabbing their spears, sprinting to come gut us. You have sealed our fates Titus. I am not sorry, but I have to kill you now.”

“Sir, please I beg of you! I wasn’t thinking when I did it! I don’t want to die sir!” screamed Titus, falling to his knees pleading Lucius.

“You’re never thinking, you fool,” said Lucius with a smirk.

“Hey, there’s Borix! Hello Borix!” called out Caius, while he waved to a boy no older than five.

“Shut up you fool! I order you to attack that barbarian!” shouted Lucius, while pointing at the boy.

“Oh but sir, he’s just a boy. He didn’t do anything wrong,” pleaded Titus. Right after Titus finished speaking, a horde of German warriors marched up behind the boy.

“You were saying, Titus?” said Lucius grimly. “Now, I suggest we proceed in a tactical-” Lucius was cut off as Caius yelled his own order.

“Run for your lives!” shrieked Caius as he ran away from the force of barbarians. Titus followed closely after.

“Bloody cowards,” remarked Lucius as he too ran away. The three of them ran through the forests as fast as they could, jumping over fallen trees and avoiding running into standing trees. They kept running until they came upon the village. In front of the main building, Borix stood holding the hand of a young Roman girl.

“Hey, look! It’s Borix!” pointed out Titus. Lucius’ face brightened up and he pushed past Titus and Caius.

“No, you idiots! It’s the governor’s daughter! Lady Manilia, I cannot express how happy I am to see you. I have fought through the entire barbarian horde to rescue you, and to take your hand in marriage,” spoke Lucius as he knelt down before Manilia.

“Ah, centurion Lucius, I am… pleased to see you as well. However, I believe there has been a misunderstanding. I am here by my own free will, not held captive,” confessed Manilia. She continued her explanation, “I have run away from my father who wanted me to marry the Emperor’s brother. Alas, I cannot accept your proposal for marriage, for I have already married the chief of this tribe instead. Please forgive me Lucius.”

Lucius stood, silent. Caius and Titus stood nervously, and looked behind them often for the Germans. Lucius finally moved, stepping forward and looking at Borix. “Then this is your child, Manilia?” he asked sternly.

“Yes, Lucius, he is my son, and now I can finally care for him as a mother,” she said with confidence.

“Very well. Caius, I order you to kill this boy!” yelled Lucius angrily.

“But, sir, I can’t kill a boy!” said Caius worryingly. Not even responding to Caius, Lucius stepped forward and kicked Borix on the ground himself.

“Hey, that wasn’t very nice!” exclaimed Titus. Lucius looked at him sternly. “Sir,” Titus quickly added. Borix began to cry and Manilia huddled over him.

“You monster! You’ve hurt his leg! How could you?” she cried. Lucius simply stared at her. Then, they all heard the horde of Germans rushing down from the forest with weapons drawn.

“Sir, we really should go now, sir,” said Caius nervously.

“But what about Borix, he can’t walk. We need to take him with us, he needs help!” begged Titus. Caius nodded in agreement.

“Manilia, you’re coming with us, and if you ever want to see your son in these barbarian rags again, you will comply!” ordered Lucius, signaling Titus to pick up Borix.

“Fine, you win Lucius, but I’m only doing this for my son,” the three of them quickly ran out of the village. They somehow managed to outrun to German horde, and made it back to the Roman fort by midday.

While Lucius went to report to the general, Caius and Titus went to the doctor’s tent with Borix and Manilia.

“He should be fine, my lady. I’d say keep him resting for the next week or so and he’ll make a full recovery,” said the doctor, Quintus.

“Thank you, doctor. You’ve been a great help. The only thing more you could do is kill that bastard, Lucius,” said Manilia harshly.

“Now lady Manilia, you of all people should know that killing is bad. I mean, you don’t think about it often, but every time you squish an ant, or assassinate a centurion, you’re ending a life,” said Caius while playing charades with Titus. Focusing back on Titus, he says, “Okay, one word. Three syllables, no two syllables. A good matchmaker, and is very young. A very good shot with a bow! And is stark naked! Hmm, this is a tough one… I got it! Alexander the Great! No, that’s wrong. How about Archimedes! No wait, that can’t be right. Oh of course, Cupid!”

“Yes, it’s Cupid. You’re so good at this game, Caius; I don’t know how you do it,” said Titus shaking his head.

“It’s a gift from the gods,” said Caius with a grin. Then Lucius walked into the tent, with Manilia watching him with cold eyes.

“Caius, Titus, by some miracle the general has decided to make you two idiots centurions, despite my arguments against it. However, I am also being promoted to legate, so I will never have to see either of you buffoons ever again. It all works out in the end. Lady Manilia, your child will be brought to your father and raised as a Roman, and you shall never see him again. So, to wrap it all up, I am far happier than any of you,” spoke Lucius smugly.

Tears began to fall from Caius and Titus’ eyes, and the former sniveled a thought, “Centurion sir, I am so sorry to see you go, after all that we’ve been through. I’m going to miss you sir!”

“Me too, I couldn’t have ever survived in the legion this long without you!” exclaimed Titus, sobbing harder.

“You two are pathetic,” responded Lucius, uncouthly.

“You will pay for this Lucius! My father will see you hang!” yelled Manilia with fury.

“’Tis irrelevant to me, my dear, as I’m being reassigned to Egypt, so I don’t really care what you tell your father,” said Lucius. “In the meantime, I need a few drinks. The idiocy of these two buffoons is infectious.”
“Good bye, Lucius centurion sir!” called out Titus and Caius.
Caius then asked, “Hey, what did he mean by that?”
Titus responded, “I think it means he likes us!” Titus and Caius left and followed Lucius out, and Lucius could be heard screaming in perpetual agony.