We Are Okay

Chapter 1                               

The world shakes. My vision blurs. A siren shrieks outside. Ezra lies on the ground. Arlo cries in my arms. My body trembles. A noise comes from within me, the fear and pain escape like a bomb exploding. The door slams open, people rush in with a stretcher.  A woman rips Arlo from me. I scream and kick, Arlo does the same. 

"Miss, please calm down," a man stands over me. Ezra is now on the stretcher and is being taken away. "Can you tell me what happened? How old is he? What is his relation to you?" he asks in an eerily calm voice.  Calm down?! I think, how can I calm down when my brother is lying on that stretcher barely breathing!

My voice wavers, "I-I don-n't k-know. I found him on the ground. H-he is 17, he's my brother."

"Where are you parents?" 

"At a party in Nashville."

The man nods and the woman holding Arlo leads me to the ambulance. Arlo crawls into my lap, tears streaming down his face. I wrap my arms around him and stare down at Ezra. His face has gone pale and his breathing is shallow. I hug Arlo tight and close my eyes. 

"Miss?"

I open my eyes, "Yes?"

"Name, please," 

"Eva, Evangeline Lawrence" 

"My name is Arlo," Arlo squeaks from under my arm. 

The woman smiles, scribbles on her clipboard then nods her head to Ezra. 

"Ezra," 

"Parents names," 

"Anne and John Lawrence"  

"Phone number to reach them." 

"615-323-7**8" 

The woman pulls out her phone and types in a number, 

"your parents are being reached right now." 

Panic fills me when I see that Ezra's chest has stopped rising and falling. "Ezra!" I scream. A man puts this metal machine on his chest and zaps him, once, twice, three times. The Doctors start talking but I hear nothing. My entire being is focused on the feel of Arlo's body against mine and Ezra's pale face. 

"He's stable." Relief flows through me, and I can breathe again. Arlo squeezes me tighter and starts silently crying. 

"Ezra's gonna die, he's gonna die," Arlo cries. 

"He's not going to die, Arlo," I whisper to him, "Is he?" I stare at the woman all my hope resting on her answer.

"I hope not dear, I hope not." 

Chapter 2

"Come on don't be such a scaredy-cat!" Ezra yells from across the gorge. "It's not that far! You can do it!" 

I take a few steps back, to get a running start and jump. I fly across the gap catching a glimpse at the river and jagged rocks miles below. My feet land on the other side, then I slip. Ezra's hand flies out,

"Eva!"

I scramble for his hand but miss and fall to the depths below. 

"Eva!" 

"Eva!" I snap awake, warm arms surround me. Dads twinkling eyes meet mine, his face wet with tears,"You ok honey?"

"Yeah. Where is Arlo?" Dad points behind him where Arlo lays sleeping on a white hospital chair. "Where is Ezra?" Tears pour down Dad's face, he puts his head in his hands and sobs. I jump up and run to the front desk. "Which room is Ezra Lawrence in?" 

"Ezra Lawrence?"

"Yes," the nurse looks into my eyes and shakes her head. I turn and run to Dad. "Where is Ezra?!?" 

"He's gone honey, he's gone." He cries.  A sob escapes me and I collapse into his arms. 

Chapter 3

  Four months later. 

When Ezra was alive we hardly knew our neighbors, now we get random visits from Ms. Heritz and freshly baked pies every week from Mr. Smith. It's funny how now everyone wants to be our friends. Before they didn't care, I was just another girl in the back of the classroom who raised my hand every once in a while. Now I'm the girl whose brother died. The girl you should feel sorry for, the girl who doesn't stop crying. I used to be able to go unnoticed in the hallway, now when I walk by whispers follow me. 

"Eva?" Mr. Howard our English Language Arts teacher calls. I look up from my notebook, my pen coming to a stop. 

"Yes,"

"What do you think the boy should have done?" 

"Umm..." I mumble

*BEEEEP* Saved by the bell. 

"Well that's it for today, homework is to read chapters five through seven!" Mr. Howard calls after us."Eva can I talk to you a minute?" 

"Ok?"

"I understand your situation, but I can't let you off any longer. I've been lenient up to now, giving you extra time, giving you less homework. But mid semester reports are coming up and I have no work from you. If you don't turn this around by next week I'll be forced to give you an F."

"But-” 

"I'm sorry Eva, but I can't give you any more time." Mr. Howard give me a disappointed look then turns and walks out of his classroom, leaving me behind in a pile of despair. 

  "Hey," I turn around to find a pink haired girl poking her head in the classroom.

"Hey?"

"Is Mr.Howard here today?" 

"Um, yeah he just left."

"Ah thanks." The girl smiles and her head disappears. "Wait, your Evangeline Lawrence, right?"she says, her head popping back in.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry about your brother it's terrible what happened to him." The girl gives me a pitiful look and walks away. I want to shout at her. Can’t she see I’m barely holding myself together without people like her butting into my business and making me relive that horrible night over and over?

Tears pour down my face and I run. I don't stop running until my feet bring me home.  

Chapter 4

"You’re home early," Dad calls from the kitchen.

"So are you," I say closing the back door behind me. Dad walks over with a cup of steaming coffee. 

"I'm on break. Thought I'd have lunch at home and grab some papers I forgot." Dad says 

"Whatever,"

"Bad day?" I nod. "We could watch a movie, you know for old times sake. I have an hour. What do you say, want to watch a movie with your old dad?" I shake my head and walk up the stairs to my room. "It was nice talking to you." I can picture Dad's eye roll as I walk up the stairs to my room..

***************************************************************************

*Ring*

*Ring* 

"Hello?"

"Hi! You left before lunch." Olivia always stating the obvious. 

"Yes I did." I say into the phone. 

"I feel like you're avoiding me."  

"You’re the only person I'm not avoiding." 

"Good."

*Bang*

*Bang*

"Hang on there's someone at my door." I get up run downs, and walk through the kitchen to the door. 

"Oh that'd be me," I open the door to Olivia’s back. Her curly brown hair taking up most of the doorway. 

"Hi Olivia," I smile, hanging up the phone. She turns around and smiles, showing her dimples making her freckles dance across her face. She pushes her circular glasses up her nose with one hand and grabs my left hand with her other yanking me outside. ```

"We'll be back by 5:00!" She calls into the house as she runs down the street dragging me  behind her. 

Chapter 5 

We come to a stop at the old playground on the corner of Banbury crossing and North Wickshire way. Olivia and I have been coming to this playground since we first met in 3rd grade when Olivia moved here. To Brentwood Tennessee. We found it one day when we were exploring, no kids ever come here so it became our secret spot, a place to talk, cry  and spill secrets. A spot that was just ours. 

The old rusty swing set groans as Olivia sits on a swing. She waves her hand for me to sit on the swing next to her, I walk over and sit.

"You've been beating yourself up lately," she states matter of factly, "what happened to Ezra-" I flinch when she says his name she stops for a second then continues, "what happened to him wasn't your fault. It's not fair to you that you blame yourself."

"But-"

"No buts! You did nothing wrong. It isn't any one person's fault-"

"No!" I scream jumping up from the swing, "It might not be just my fault, but I could have done something!" I pause for a breath of air and notice tears falling silently down Olivia's cheeks, my own face is wet as well."I should have noticed. Looking back on it there were so many signs. I could have saved him!" The last words come out with a sob and I fall on to my knees. Olivia gets up from the swing and walks over to sit with me in the sand. She wraps her arms around me not saying a word. I fall against her and cry my heart out. 

Chapter 6

I open the door and step into the house to be tackled by Arlo. I push him away to look at his face, his green eyes are wet so I know he has been crying, I decide to keep it to myself.

"Mom is in a bad mood again," He whispers putting a finger to his lips, "So we have to be quiet." I give him a small nod.

Mom used to be an alcoholic but she quit drinking when she got pregnant with Ezra. She hadn't touched alcohol at all for years, in fear that she would relapse. She had been doing great, until now. When Ezra died Mom went back to alcohol as a coping mechanism. At first, she just drank a glass a day, but now whenever she is in a 'Bad mood' she drinks. Mom is in a 'bad mood' a lot lately. So we tiptoe around her pretending nothing is wrong, hoping that if we ignore it, it will somehow miraculously get better.

"Dad left already?” I whisper. Arlo nods, "Ok I'll call a pizza place." Arlo gives me a thumbs up and scampers up the stairs and around the corner to his room. I pull out my cell phone and dial Sicilian Pizza's number. I order a large cheese pizza and hang up.

"Eva! Is that you?" 

"Yes, Ma!" 

"Be a dear will you and order some food will ya?" Mom slurs from her spot on the living room couch.

"That's what I just did,"

"Young lady," Mom says getting up and staggering to the kitchen. "You do not speak to me like that ever." She raises a hand and I flinch. Mom has never hit Arlo or I but these days you don't know what she'll do. Her hand hits the table and smacks over a glass. The glass tumbles to the floor shattering into a thousand tiny pieces. My reflection peers up at me. My hair flows down my back, my hazel eyes screaming in fear. 

"Mom, let's get you to bed, okay?" I reach out and grab her arm. 

"Don't touch me!" Mom screams. I jump back as she falls to the ground. 

"I'm home!" Dad calls from the mudroom. "What are we having for-" He stops short as he walks in the room and sees the scene set out before him. "Eva, go upstairs please," I give him a nod and disappear upstairs and into my room. "What are you doing, acting like this in front of the kids!?" Dad's screams carry through the walls. I flop down on the bed and reach under it pulling up my scrapbook. I open to the first page, Ezra smiles up at me, me on his shoulders my brown hair falling into his icy blue eyes. His eyes were just like grandpa's. Tears fall down my face like a waterfall, not stopping no matter how much I try to rub them away.

"Don't you do this to me," Mom screams back "You act like you're fine you push it away calling it an accident." 

Ezra teaching me how to play the guitar. 

"Anne-"

Olivia, Arlo, Ezra and I having a snowball fight. 

"It's like you don't even care!"

Ezra and I seeing Arlo for the first time.

"Anne!"

Ezra's Band.

"He was our son!"

Dad and Ezra laughing. 

I hear a door slam and the screaming stops. I close the book, rub my eyes and walk out of my room. Arlo sits on the steps, his head in his hands. 

"Bud?" I whisper. He lifts his head and looks at me. His eyes are wet and tears fall down his face. 

"Mom left." I sit down next to him and pull him into a hug, thankful for someone to grab onto. 

 Chapter 7

A small crowd stands behind me. I the field for familiar faces, Gran and Gramps didn't show, and told the rest of the family that it would be a sin to come. They loved Ezra, or so I thought, but apparently religion is more important to them than us. Mom didn't come back last night though Aunt Ellen called us to she is with them. I can't believe she would miss her own son's funeral.

Though not many people came it made me smile to see who did come.  

Harper, Zane and Alex, members of Ezra's band, The Flaming Flamingos. I came up with the name, flamingos being my favorite animal. Harper, Zane and Alex used to come over to our house every day until one day when Ezra was in 8th grade they stopped coming. When we asked Ezra why he said the band broke up, but Alex called the next day wondering when band practice was. 

Mrs. Peterson, Ezra's Math teacher, he was always her favorite student. She retired two years ago and Ezra threw her a big going away party, he got more than half of his class to come, too. 

Nora, Ezra's last girlfriend. Like Harper, Zane and Alex, she used to come over a lot. Then Ezra broke up with her, and never told her or us why. 

Archer, Emmet and Luca from the boys soccer team. Ezra loved soccer, he played striker. Arlo and I tried to come to every game, whenever he would score we would jump and scream until he came over to tell us to shut up. 

A few other kids from his grade, some of their faces, I recognize, maybe they came over to work on a project or something but their names escape me. 

Leo and Nico, Ezra's partners in crime Mom used to call them. I thought it was strange that we hadn't seen them in a while, since Ezra was always with them. Now I know why. Ezra pushed everyone away in his last month with us. Maybe he thought it would hurt us less if he pushed us all away. He was wrong, though.

"How’s it going champ?" Leo's scratchy voice asks. I turn to see him rustling Arlo's hair, Nico at his shoulder. Arlo turns around and hugs him. Leo smiles sadly at me and wraps his arms around Arlo. 

"Nice to see you guys," Olivia says appearing next to me. 

"Hi guys," I say, trying not to cry. "It's been a while, huh?" Nico gives me a nod and squeezes my shoulder, 

"We're here if you need it."

"We all are," Olivia says, giving me a hug. Leo nods in agreement as Arlo finally lets him go.

I give them a smile and turn back to the field wiping tears from my eyes. 

The crowd goes silent as Dad steps out. 

"We are all gathered here today in a sad turn of events." He says tears tumbling down. "Ezra was a great kid, a wonderful big brother," his eyes find me and Arlo. "A great friend," he looks at Leo and Nico. "and a wonderful son. I wish I  knew the pain he felt then, I wish I could’ve done something to help him..." Dad chokes on the last words and can't pull himself back together. Mrs. Peterson steps through the crowd and stands next to Dad. 

"What John is trying to say, is that Ezra was a great kid, and he will be missed. The Lawrence family wants to thank everyone for coming. Now on to the ceremony?" She asks Dad, all he can do is nod but the meaning is clear enough. Dad picks up the urn which holds Ezra’s ashes,and scatters it into the wind. 

Chapter 8

"Eva, I'm glad to see you," Mr. William the school's guidance consular says, "I'm glad you stopped running from me and finally paid me a visit."

"I'm only here because my Dad made me," I murmur, looking at his shoes to avoid looking at his face. It was true what he said about me running away from him. If I saw him in a hallway I would turn and walk the other way even if it meant skipping class. I knew that if I he saw me he would pull me into his office and force me to talk about Ezra. All I think about is him. All anybody talks to me about is how they are sorry he is gone. Funerals are supposed to help the living feel better about the person who is gone, but it's been a week and I still feel horrible. He haunts me. I see him everywhere and every time I walk out of my room I see his bedroom door staring at me.  The last thing I want to do his talk about him. 

"Good for your Dad. Now let's talk about your grades. Tomorrow is the last day you have to turn in all your work in Mr. Howard’s class have you done any of it?"  A deep feeling of dread settles in me,

"Oh sh*$ I totally forgot," I say, then clamp my hand over my mouth. "Sorry," I whisper. 

"First, you can talk however you want and given your situation, I would swear too." he says a smile coming to his face. "Second you need to get that work done, I can probably persuade Mr. Howard to give you a few extra days." 

"Oh thank you so much! "I jump up and am about to give him a hug when he stops me. 

"Don't thank me yet. You still  have to get all that work done and all the work for your other classes that you haven't been doing. "My smile disappears from my face,

"I'm doomed." I cry sinking back into the leather couch in his office. 

"Don't get down on yourself, I believe in you."

***************************************************************************

"Okay I finished sharpie-ing your geography project." Olivia says from across the table in my kitchen.  A pile of papers markers and other school supplies between us. 

"Thank you so much for helping me." 

"No problem, and anyway I can't do anything fun if  my best friend is stuck doing make-up work all the time." She smiles, I laugh and continue my paper. 

Chapter 9

"I knew you could. Now I think it's time to talk about how this came to in the first place." Mr. William says from his office chair. 

"What do you mean?" I ask picking at the seam of the leather couch knowing full well that he is talking about Ezra's death. 

"Your brothers death has taken quite a toll on you. Now I know that pain will never go away but we need to find a way to ease it." I look into his eyes and start to cry, what is this man doing telling me what to do when he doesn't even know what I'm feeling? 

"You don't know what it's like! You don't know what I'm feeling!" I sob 

"Though I do not know all that you feel, I do know that you are sad and angry. And I do know how it feels." This takes me by surprise, " My friend committed suicide  when I was 16. It tore me apart and I stopped everything. I thought it was my fault even though I knew it wasn't. I think you feel that it’s your fault too, don't you?" I nod. "That is normal, but it isn't your fault. While maybe people could have done something to help him, maybe if we had noticed what he was going through. But it’s no one's fault."

"He wouldn't do it if he loved us!" I scream standing up from the couch. " Why didn't he love me?" I start sobbing again and fall back onto the couch. Mr. William waits for me to quiet down then continues. 

"He loved you, his choice to commit suicide had nothing to with whether he loved you or not. Maybe he felt that he couldn't live in this world. Maybe he felt That things would be better if he was gone. He felt empty. Maybe He felt useless, he felt immense pain and thought that the only way to stop it was to die." 

"I should have helped him. I would have helped him if he told me," tears fall down my face in a heavy stream. 

"Maybe he didn't think he could be helped." I gaze at the floor, tears silently rolling  down my face. "And it isn't your job to help everyone. You know that, right?" His piercing blue eyes stare at me waiting for an answer. When he doesn't get a reply he continues, "For some people looking at the good times  you had with the person helps, but with others it only makes them sadder. What do you think we can do to make you feel even the tiniest bit better?" He taught you how to play the guitar, right?" I give him a tiny nod. "Maybe music will help him live on in you." 

Chapter 10

Ezra's door looms at the end of the hallway. I stand in front of the door staring at the knob, not able to bring myself to open it. Dust has gathered on the handle. It is strange to think that the last time someone was in the room was more than 3 months ago.  

"What are doing?" I turn around to find Arlo standing at the top of the stairs. 

"Going into Ezra's room." 

"Doesn't look like it. Looks like you’re just standing there." 

"Want to come with me?" 

"Okay," he walks over and I turn the knob. "Wait!" 

"What?" I ask letting go.

"Do you think his ghost will get mad?" 

"I don't think so. I think he'll want us to go in." 

"Okay," I open the door and step in. Everything lays exactly how he left it, his old science homework is still on his desk. He hated science class, he could never wrap his head around it. His red guitar leans against the back wall. I walk over, pick it up and sit down on his bed. Arlo comes and sits next to me. "Play the song," 

"Hmm," 

"The song he used to play to us, the one about everything turning out okay." Though I haven't played the guitar in almost over a year, my hands know exactly where to go. My fingers fly over the strings, plucking out the tune. And I start to sing,

"Don't cry, darling, don't cry. Even though all seems lost, things will turn out alright." As I sing I smile. I feel him near, as though he is watching us, maybe he is. 

Chapter 11

Mom came home today. She walked in like everything was fine, like she didn't just disappear leaving us to freak out and worry about her. Like she didn't not answer any of the millions of times we tried to call her. Like she didn't just skip her own son's funeral. She came in the house with a bottle of brandy in hand. Dad lost it when she came in, it was like a bomb exploded inside him. All Mom could do was nod and try not to cry. He told here that if she didn't go to rehab he would file for a divorce and fight for custody of Arlo and I. Mom broke out in tears and screamed at him. She yelled and yelled that she would not let him take her babies away. Then he threw a plate on the ground shattering it and making a huge noise. Mom stopped screaming at him and stood in shock. He then said one thing,

"Then go to rehab." and he walked away. Mom was silent then yelled after him. 

"You wouldn't leave me!" She got no reply. She ran up the stairs and found Arlo and I. "You guys wouldn't let him take him away from me." I said nothing, afraid of what she would do if I told the truth; that I would leave with him. That I missed the Mom I used to know, that this new person…... she scared me. Arlo spoke what was on both of our minds, 

"Momma, you're scaring me." This breaks Mom. She fell to her knees in-front of us and started sobbing. I knew I had to say something if I wanted to see the Mom I knew she was ever again. 

"Mom, I would leave. The way you act, it scares us. We are afraid of you."  This hits Mom hard but she stops crying. 

"Babies, I'm sorry. I'll get better I promise." 

Chapter 12

"We are going to try a new thing today, okay?" Mr. William sits on the chair on the other side of the coffee table in my living room. He started coming to my house a few weeks ago, right after Mom first checked herself into rehab. She has had a few slip ups, but she's trying. Mr. William opens his bag and pulls out a large canvas. His eyes meet mine and he gives me a small smile before placing it on the coffee table in-between us. 

"What is this for" I ask pointing to the canvas. Mr. William takes to more things out of his bag and sets them on the table, a box of paints and a jar of paint brushes. 

"Paint Ezra"

"What?” Mr. William's eyes float up to the clock on the wall behind me. 

"Time sure does fly by doesn't it? Before I go I'm going to give you an assignment you can use any materials you want, paint, collage, do something to this canvas to portray your feelings about Ezra. To get all that anger and sadness out on paper.”  

"How do I do that?" 

"That is for you to figure out." Mr. William packs up his bag leaving only the art supplies on the table, "See you next week." he gives me a smile and walks to the mudroom.

"Mr. William wait!" Dad yells from upstairs, he runs down the stairs and disappears around the corner into the mudroom. "Please let me pay you, what you're doing, it's helping Eva so much." 

"That won't be necessary."

"Why are you doing this if you don't want to be paid?"

"I remember how I felt when I was in Eva's situation. No one helped me with the pain, I felt alone. I don't want anyone to feel the way I did. If I can prevent someone from feeling that way, I will do all in my power to help."  Dad says nothing, for a few minutes there is silence. Then the front door bangs shut. 

Chapter 13

The blank canvas stares at me, taunting me. It’s been a few days and I haven’t even started, Mr. William comes next Monday, and today is Friday. I don’t want to disappoint him, he’s helped me so much he even had sessions with Dad and Arlo. He has helped all of us and I want to make him proud. 

“Where’d ya get that?” 

“AHhhhh!” I let out a huge scream. Arlo stands beside my bed looking over my shoulder, he must have slipped in without me noticing. My bedroom door slams open and Dad runs in,

“What happened? You guys okay?” his voice cracks, fear sparkling in his eyes.

“We’re ok, Arlo just scared me.” 

“Oh,” the fear leaves his eyes and his voice stops shaking. “You guys scared the crap out of me.” 

“You owe me a dollar.” Arlo yells 

“What?”

“You heard me say f***, and you got mad. So I challenged you to a bet saying that whoever swore first would give the other a dollar. We shook on it.” Dad sighs, pulls out his wallet, and hands Arlo a dollar. 

“Don’t scare me again like that,” He says and ruffles our hair. 

“We won’t.” I assure him. He gives us a smile and leaves the room. “To answer your question, you little ninja you, I am trying to portray my feelings and stuff about Ezra on this canvas.” 

“Hmmm, that sounds hard.” 

“No duh genius” I laugh and give him a little push. Arlo laughs and sits down on my bed next to me. 

“Want help?” I smile and nod. He rests his head on my shoulder sighing, “I miss him.”

“Me too bud, me too.” 

Chapter 14

The canvas feels like a bomb in Mr. William’s hands. Arlo’s hand squeezes mine in support.

“This is amazing.”

“Really?”

“Yes you both did a great job. You can feel the emotion coming off the canvas. “ Mr. William sets the canvas down on the coffee table and puts his hands in my lap. “Eva this is an important question ok? You to Arlo?” Arlo and I nod, unsure where he is going with this. “Are you okay?” My mind spins and I think about the last couple of months, from finding Ezra on the ground hardly breathing a bottle of pills in hand, Mom completing rehab to last week having a family movie night with Oliva, Nico and Leo. 

“I think I’m okay.” I look up at Mr. William and he nods waiting for more.  “I’m still sad and angry about Ezra. I may never be the same person I was before but I feel okay.” I smile and turn to Arlo. “We are okay.”