Breaking, I stood amidst the confined place of sickness, unable to process the circumstance. The narrowness of the hallway obstructed movement to merely a single wheelchair. Paint flaked off the undercoat on the windowless walls, resembling the slate grey floor; fluorescent lights flickered from the beige tiled ceiling. Stagnant air served as a carrier to the melancholy that circumnavigated its way through the surrounding, intensifying the reverberating shrieks and wails.

Deep down, I knew hospitals were rugged pathways to the morgue; I knew that at this stage acceptance was essential. Nevertheless, flashbacks from the accident continually invaded my mind because part of me refused to let go.

Jason and I were driving on the seamless highway at 100 kmph. Our windows were all the way down and a gusty gale thread its icy fingers through our disheveled hair. The blaring music complemented the drama of the clouds in the glorious rosy and salmon pink sky. A breathtaking valley to the left swayed in joy, profused with verdurous vegetation within the thicket of grass. Flowers were blossoming into colors of life and pristine water cascaded downhill. Larks warbled as an earthy aroma lingered in the air.

“Let’s go faster Jason, let me feel the adrenaline” I urged. However, he refused, owing to his cautiousness. But I couldn’t care less. “Come on Jason, be a sport.” He rolled his eyes as I reached for the steering, attempting to rotate it. “Hayley! What are you doing!” Jason vociferated. And suddenly, boom.

The car skid as a sharp turn approached and we rammed headlong into the jagged mountain to the right. I maneuvered myself out of the ramshackle, but the wound on Jason’s head bled incessantly. In that moment, the universe felt like a mighty stranger. I felt empty and nothing could fill the void. It took every ounce of strength in me to summon an ambulance. 

The sound of my father hollering pulled me out of the flashback I had buried myself in. He told me everything was going to be alright. But when he spoke, guilt enveloped me, and I burst into tears. Falling, I couldn’t find the one ray of hope to hold onto because not only had I lost my brother, I’d lost a part of myself too. Instantly, life felt like a black hole with no escape.

My family members held onto worthless hope, but I stood amidst the din grieving the loss. I questioned the worth of my existence as one notion pervaded my conscience ‘Was I the reason?’