-Beyond-

It's cold and windy outside, but the sun is shining brightly so I don't mind. It's nice and I prefer it that way. It helps me think. I don't know what I’m doing here but I like it. From my perch at the cliff edge, I have a beautiful view of the water crashing on the rocks. The wind blows, taking the hair out of my face, and a gust of salty air pushes against me. I found an old cypress gnarled from fighting relentless gusts to sit under while the tall grass brushes up against my legs

I have many thoughts going through my head, many that I need to sort out. I don't know where to begin. The stress of it makes my head hurt so I began to whisper aloud to myself.

What do I do? How do I continue? The thought repeats in my head. Which path do I take? 

Time passes as I stare out into the distance watching the sun dance on the water. Something about it helps calm me down and I’ve come to terms with what I face. I’m focused on myself, and where to go next. That seems to be the only thing that I’m good at, always worrying about what to do next, so that's what I ponder. It has been some time and I reposition myself and lay on the ground, looking up at the sky creating images of the mixed light of the canopy and thin streaks of clouds swaying as they pass by. More time passes and I seem to still be pondering the same questions just now it seems less like a problem and more of a challenge. 

I have it figured out, but do I really know what to do? 

I stop thinking and stand up. I walk slowly up to the cliff and look out at the ocean this time with a silent confidence. I take a deep breath of the fresh salty air letting it take my troubling thoughts away. I turn around and start running through the grass letting my arms hang down brushing through it. 

I come up to a split in the path. I know one will take me to places I’ve been and known and the other allows me the freedom and the unknown I long for. I leap toward the one that pulls at my heart, the one you would push me towards. So I take it. It is easy, nothing that I’ve done or felt before, it is freedom and I love it. I love it the way you would. I finally understand, and oh how I wish I would have taken this path sooner. I’ve been running for what feels like forever enjoying all the feelings flowing through me.

All of a sudden, like a flood, emotions wash over me. I’ve only been falling all this time and it all hits me like a truck, my eyes start watering and I wish I would have been more thoughtful but I went too close. I’ve gone too close to the edge. As I’m falling, I see your beautiful smile. I wish I could have seen it more often. I can feel your warm embrace welcoming me. Right before I hit the water and rocks below me, I’m jolted awake, the salt of the ocean is the tears running down my face, staining my paper. I hadn’t realized I had fallen asleep while writing my letter to you. 

“It’s been hard, you know, and I hate you for ever doing this to me. I hate you for leaving me, for creating this cliff of emotion. What do I do now? How am I supposed to keep going without you?” I say. I’m crying out in a pit of rage and grief. I’m stuck in a tiny shell with a raging sea that's not forgiving. I don't know what I’m going to do anymore I think to myself. I sit there for a moment just blankly looking down at the letter not thinking. I look up and see that the light outside has perished, leaving nothing but endless darkness stretching as far as one can see. I don't care though. I put my shoes and your hoodie on and leave out the back door leaving it slightly cracked for when I return.

I get to my favorite spot that I found about a year ago when we first moved here from our old house. A beautiful view of the ocean day or night, I love it so much because I know you would love it just as much as I do. You would appreciate it. I sit by my favorite cypress and look out. I start crying some more thinking of you. I put my head on my knees and just let it out knowing I won't be able to stop the faucet from running as you used to say. The tears have dried and the streaks of salty tears have stained my face. I look out into the horizon and gaze at the stars. 

“It's been a year now. I know I should be better but I just can't seem to let you go. I miss you dad. I wish you would come back to me. I really need you to come back to me,” I whisper out into the wind. I stare at the water watching the moon dance with the waves. It's calming and it reminds me of my favorite trip with you and mom at the beach. We played for hours in the sand. I was stubborn and didn’t want to put more sunscreen on. I went home looking like a tomato. You called me that for a week. How I wish you were still here to make more memories with me. I think on and on for a while just laying on the ground and looking up at the sky, thinking about all the good and bad times. Sometimes I find myself thinking about memories trying to play them in my head without you in it, but it never seems to work. After being in my head for so long I noticed I’ve lost track of time and I can see the beams of light coming through the trees. 

“It’s time. It’s time to let you go. I don’t want to but I know I have to.” 

This time I don't cry, I just sigh with a feeling of relief. I close my eyes and let the sun wash over me, warming my skin and casting morning shadows. As I lay there with my arms spread and my eyes still closed I too drift off into nothingness.