“If I were to describe you in 3 words probably they would be super kind and caring, happy smiles-laughter. Anyways, you are really nice and fun to be around. Thank you for your advice, I will definitely use it, but the last piece of advice on the page is so sweet and I think I really needed that advice. I am so happy we got to know each other more. You are an amazing person. Keep the smile on your face. Keep your head up. Be you!”

Happy Birthday! It’s 11:25. To the most wonderful, thoughtful, caring, optimistic, funny, uplifting, and understanding friend a person could ask for, one I do not deserve, I have never deserved, nor will I ever deserve.

January 19, 2023, 10:38 PM
I used to be scared of you, for many years. From the moment I first saw you until our first conversation eight years, eleven months, twenty-two days, 3 hours, and 46 minutes later — not that I had been counting. You always claimed to be mean and prideful and gave off “bad vibes”. But I never saw that. Nor did any of our other friends, or your family. You say you went through a transformation of sorts, but I don’t buy it. I’ve seen plenty in this world though I’m still just 17. Some people do experience significant change, either for better or worse, but you’ve always been like an angel to me. Perfectly incorruptible.
But you weren’t scary in the fundamental sense, and definitely not scary in a bad way, no that’s not right at all, but it was just frightening how impressive your musical abilities are. So I suppose the word I’m looking for is fascinated, or perhaps even awestruck. The way your fingers grace every key on a piano and send music dancing through the air. How the vibrato in your voice and from your violin coax tears from the stone-hearted. Even the beautiful harmonies of the humming you don’t give a second thought to resonate with children and parents, and even the moody teens scrolling through their TikToks and Instagrams. They say music is a language of its own, but with you, it becomes everything to everyone and brings out the joy and bliss in even the most unsentimental.

August 10, 2021, 12:07 PM
I’ve been wanting to finally open up and get out of my shell and talk to you for the past God only knows how long. I tried so many times during VBS training week last week, but I was never able to talk to you for longer than a few exchanges. But now that I was finally able to do it today, I’m really glad I did. I’ve never felt so much joy before, or ever been nearly as excited to make a new friend.

“Are you writing a love letter? You like her don’t you?”
“What? No, we’re just friends.”
“Uh-huh, I’m sure you’re ‘just friends’”
“Awww, is that her scrunchie?”

“Run to your love!”

August 10, 2021, 12:21 PM
Well, that happened. What an interesting first day of our friendship. I hope you’re not too bothered about that. I’m sorry about my friends, I’ll never understand why they’re like that. But like I was saying before, I’m really glad I got to find a new friend in you. Here’s to our friendship!

September 18, 2021, 11:09 PM
It’s been really great getting to know you better over the past month or so. Even though school has started and we’re both getting really busy, I’m glad we’ve stayed in touch.
If I’m being honest, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I’ve never known a more caring and understanding friend who really cares about other people and themselves. And for the record, I’m not too nice, I’m just average. We already talked about this quite a bit, but you’re always going to be the one that’s too nice. Like I get that you probably feel like it’s your fault, but you take responsibility for so much that isn’t your fault. For example, when you tried to take responsibility for wasting my screen time. That was my choice to spend that time talking with you, not your fault for wasting it, because if you ask me that was the best way I could’ve spent my time. Anyways I have to sleep soon because I’m getting really tired, but also it’s 11:25 again so Happy Birthday!

October 23, 2021, 7:49 PM
My parents have really started getting annoyed at how much time I spend talking with you, and I might not be able to talk to you soon. I haven’t told you this yet, but hopefully, I won’t need to and we can still be friends. If for whatever reason we can’t talk anymore, I’m really very sorry, this is entirely my fault.

November 5, 2021, 11:54 PM
Thank you for the birthday note! I think my parents figured out that you used invisible ink to write it because all of a sudden, I can’t find the UV pen that has been sitting on my desk for the past 3 months. Oh well, maybe I just misplaced it. I really hope I didn’t just screw everything over and get you in trouble because of my stupidity.

November 25, 2021, 11:25 AM
Happy Thanksgiving, Happy Birthday, and Happy Fourteenth!!! It’s so awesome that you finally got a phone number so we aren’t constrained by my one-hour screen time limit anymore. You’ve really worked hard and you deserve it! My parents told me that they are going to talk to your parents soon because of the letters we’ve been writing, but I’m glad I was still able to give you your birthday note yesterday.

December 6, 2021, 8:22 PM
This is goodbye. My parents are forcing me to stop talking to you, I know I left you on read, but hopefully, sometime down the road we can catch up again and laugh about our most awkward shipping moments in and out of school. Man, I’ve really done it this time, haven’t I? I’m so sorry. The worst part is, you’ll likely never even see this because I can’t talk to you, I can’t text you, I can’t even use my phone without my parents watching my phone screen anymore. I’m sorry I messed up and led to my parents forcibly ending our friendship. But I’ll keep praying that we might be able to be friends again later.

January 1, 2022, 12:00 AM
Happy New Year! I can’t believe I really messed up so bad. It’s been really depressing without having someone else to confide my troubles in. I hope you’re taking this better than me. But hopefully, a new year means a new beginning and we can rekindle our friendship sooner rather than later.

January 16, 2022, 4:27 PM
I was diagnosed with dysthymia on Friday. It’s basically a long-term depression that can last years or for the rest of my life. Today was the first time I’ve seen you since my diagnosis and it reminded me how much damage I’ve caused to both of us. I’ve been so concerned about myself and so self-pitying I feel disgusting for not thinking about how this must be affecting you. But you seem to be holding up alright. I hope you’re not just acting ok so no one is concerned for you.
The saddest part about this is that my journal’s starting to feel like a Bitlife simulation. But instead of having a random number generator controlling my life, it’s me ending my perfect world for absolutely nothing. Because I’m an idiot.

March 28, 2022, 8:38 PM
It’s been a while since my last journal entry and my depression hasn’t gotten any better. I’m happy for you, you seem to have been able to move on and adapt, while I’ve been stuck. But I’m not important anymore. I’ve honestly tried to end it all so many times, but I just can’t do that to you and my other friends. Though I’ve honestly never felt worse, I think I can hold on and push through until the end of this phase, hopefully.

July 2, 2022, 9:53 PM
The first VBS of this summer for me is soon and it’s honestly getting pretty rough, so I think I’m going to try to hopefully restart our friendship over this VBS and hopefully continue rebuilding during our next one. I can’t believe I’m so pathetic and I’m just obsessing over our friendship because I feel so deprived of everything good. I’ve been praying and I really hope my depression will be resolved soon, if not for my sake, but for everyone else around me.

August 11, 2022, 6:27 PM
I’m sorry I reacted that way when I first saw you. I was really struggling with the flood of memories throughout this entire week. I can’t believe we only established our friendship a year ago and it’s already gone through so much. I can’t believe I just shut down and didn’t have the guts to talk to you sooner. I know it was meant to be a happy surprise, I just can’t believe that I reacted like that.

August 12, 2022, 5:17 AM
It was really nice finally catching up with you last night after 9 months. I hope we can stay in touch and continue our friendship for longer than a few months this time. Also, the notes we started writing over the past couple of weeks have been really helping me cope with the change, so I really appreciate you taking the time to continue writing them since we can’t really talk yet.

October 16, 2022, 7:41 PM
I’m glad you realized that we should stop passing notes behind our parents’ backs, I’m not sure I would’ve ever realized that just because I’ve become so blinded by my excitement in catching up with you again.
On a happier note, I’m depression-free! Finally, after 10 months. I know the doctors said it should last at least a full year, but miracles happen and I’m glad I was able to escape that loop. But it is my junior year and school’s getting really busy, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to stay in touch frequently.

November 25, 2022, 8:41 PM
Happy Fifteenth! I’m not sure what else to say, I’m sorry.

March 18, 2023, 3:31 AM
I’m so glad we are both able to serve on the praise team at this year’s youth retreat. I know I haven’t really been able to talk and I haven’t exactly been easy to talk to, so I’m sorry for being difficult. I’m really trying to be an easier person to talk to. To be honest, I’m still too scared to interact with you, I guess it’s trauma, but I’m sorry either way.
I was really looking forward to serving on the praise team with you again for our Senior Celebration, so we could catch up again, but that won’t be happening so maybe we can catch up again over summer.

You’ll probably judge me for apologizing so much, but I still don’t think I’ve apologized enough, well that is if you ever even see this journal, but hopefully, one day however far out that may be.

We had once been close friends, nothing kept us apart
Still nothing stands between us, nothing can part our ways
Nothing but my desire for your happiness
Nothing but everything I cannot give
My life had seemed complete, perfect in every way
Yet now it’s more shattered than ever before
And I long for us again, even though I never knew
What life would throw our way, and how much you meant to me