There had once been a time when I was a child. 

There was a day where I would run to the family barn and put on a play from the entire family. There was a day where I would spill all the milk I milked from the cows all over the kitchen floor and be yelled at by Mother as my brother Leo laughed. There was a day where I would go with Father up the farms hillside to the mountains and forest beyond, catching fireflies and roasting marshmallows. Sometimes I forget that even happened. Whenever I tie my apron around my waist, and tie my hair for a new day at the hospital, I would forget that this girl was a drama-loving farmer girl. I will remember one thing: I am a volunteer at the Sunshine Children's Hospital, and I am here for Leo.

“Leo!” I greeted as I opened the door to his room.

He looked up, and managed to crack a smile through the tubes. He was sitting up, a rarity, and looking at the only window to the outside world he has ever known. The multiple IVs pierced into his arms in the same spot as always, never leaving his side as if it knew that it was his lifeline. The breathing pipes amplified his shallow, but steady breathing in sync with the beating of his heart in the heartbeat monitor. I wonder sometimes how he can take this, just watching the world go by with him having no role in it but to dream to be in it. To be one of the school kids he presses himself to the window to see the free, to watch shoppers carrying bags and bags of goods he would alway try to guess its contents, and to watch the cars and buses whizzing past to wonder where they are going, why they are speeding, why are they slowing. 

“How are you feeling today?” I asked, sitting on his bedside. He shrugged.

“O-ook” he shrugged. Something was up. He usually is bubbly and goes on about something, whether it is robots, crime, engineering, or The Dream. 

It came. A black vein-like line bulged out of his right cheek almost instantly. It ever so slightly slithered upwards towards his forehead as a snake luring into its prey. Something is up. Something is wrong.

“Th-the ki-kids i-in the play-playroom asked me a go-good ques-question. I-I wan-want to as-ask y-you.”

“Ask away.” I gestured.

“Where di-did you g-go when yo-you are no-not with m-me?” Leo stuttered.

Oh oh.

I knew this day would come but how did I not prepare? I guess because in my ten years of caring for him, he never asked what I did when I was away. Did the kids tell him what I do? He shouldn’t know what I do when my shift is over, when I leave for the outside world and him all alone. Actually he shouldn’t know how I feel about it.

“I went to get some supplies.” I lied, turning away from him. Leo caught it.

“What do you do Lillian?”

This is the first time I heard him say a sentence without any stuttering.

There was silence as Leo waited for me to respond. I know he would be very happy if he knew what I did when I wasn’t in the hospital. It was part of our dream (his dream) for us. The thing is, I don’t do it because of our dream (his dream). If he knew that…I can’t imagine. I want only half of it to happen. If he knew why I followed the half of the dream I don’t want anyway…I don’t want to know what will happen. It might trigger him. 

“I can’t tell you. Not yet anyway.” 

Leo sighed, deciding not to push any further. He opened the television, and I tensed as he slowly shifted through the channels. Why? I am starting to think the kids told him directly what I do. 

Please don’t go to this channel, not this one either, maybe not this one too?

He clicked on his favorite channel, Little Engineers, and I breathed a small sigh of relief but then he went back to the menu.

I wanted to scream. Stay on that channel!

“We always watch my shows when we are together, why don’t we watch one of your favorites?”

I am dead. 

“You know me,” I shrugged, putting my hands into my sleeves. “I don’t have a preference.”

“Hmm. Well, you do love classics a lot.” 

Take me to my grave.

“What about this channel? Seems like your thing.”

He was going to click on - oh no.

Before I could say anything, Leo clicked on Channel 13.

Broadcasting on Channel 13 was Behind Lara’s Songs, a show about a singer named Lara who abuses her friend, Kate, for her songs to become famous while her friend lives in the lowest place of society, starving and struggling with rent. In this scene, Lara is cornering her friend who tried to defend herself, threatening to kill her if she doesn’t hand over one of her precious songs. A song she wrote for her little brother. 

Starring Lara was Ashley Thames. Starring Kate was well…me. Lillian Lancaster.

Leo blinked. I wanted to get up and run, grab the remote and change the channel, scream and die on the spot. Instead, I just sat there, shaking so violently my hands moved on their own, coming to life and ready to detach from my arm and flip themselves over on the hospital bed. My heart shook inside of itself, ready to burst free from its cage, physically and emotionally, to leave me alone to explain myself to Leo that his sister has gone big. His sister, whom he always wanted to be a billionaire actress, is actually a billionaire actress. He himself, who always wanted to be a billionaire tech CEO, is lying down on a hospital bed and can die at any moment. His sister is achieving her part of the dream, the one she hates, and she is, supposedly, waiting on him to follow her. 

“Your-your-your…” I wasn’t sure if he was stuttering from the disease or because he is actually in shock. Maybe both. 

“Leo, I can exp-”

“...an actress!” Leo screamed, jumping from his bed. His blue eyes shone and his smile stretched the entire ocean, eye to eye. He sure was happy, just like I predicted. 

“You're an actress! You are on TV! I thought the kids in the playroom were lying when they said they see you on TV all the time!” Leo screamed, jumping some more. My eyes followed him. With each look down a stone fell into my stomach and weighed me down to the bed.

“Leo, I-”

He grabbed my shoulders, shaking me violently, “You did it twin! You made the dream!”

Everything snapped inside of me. I knew he would be like this, I knew he would be delighted, but he is happy because I met his expectations. If I told him that I never wanted to be an actress, to just act for him, would he be happy? Fulfilling his dream, even though that wasn’t the intention as to why I became an actress, made the only thing I love about him. And I want it to be for me. 

“No I didn’t! I made your dream come true!” I scream.

Leo stops and lets go of me. Why did I say that? I should have just let him be happy, but I couldn’t stand that he believed that I did it for that. I did it for - I chose this for…

“Di-didn’t you a-always want t-to be an act-actress?” Leo asked, confused.

“No! I never said it was! You just wanted that and believed that it was my dream too!” I confess. Tears began to well up in my eyes, the dam I have built so hard breaking apart. “I want to act, Leo, but I don't want you to think I did it for you. I act because I love to act. Not for validation, not for status, not for trophies. If I could, I would just be in school plays and drama clubs! Not in some Hollywood studio!” 

I break into sobs like a baby. I haven’t cried like this since Mother and Father passed away five years ago and left me to take care of Leo. I sacrificed everything I ever loved for Leo, only to see him happy and smile. I don’t regret seeing him smile. I love seeing him absorbed playing with his robots, screaming at characters in his crime novels, and talking tech-talk that still makes no sense to me. Seeing his face light up lights up my world and it makes me forget the pain inside. The pain that whatever I did have, I sacrificed it for him with nothing left for me and me only.

“Wh-why do you a-act if yo-you don-don’t wa-want to be in Holly-hollywood?” Leo stuttered, tilting his head to catch my eyes. 

I break into louder sobs. Leo seemed to have gotten the answer. It doesn’t take a genius to guess. 

“You act to make money for me.”

I nod. Its a truth I hate. Oh god, he thinks I am doing it out of pity for him. Or worse, he really thinks he is a burden to me and my dream life. Or maybe both. 

Leo stays silent as my sobs grew louder, echoing throughout the room. I hid my face in my hands for Leo not to notice the red flame burning my face. I wanted to hide from the title over my head in bold: Selfish sister putting herself before her brother. Thousands of screams filled my head, saying the same thing, becoming more true by the minute: selfish, entitled, brat, bad sister, greedy, mean, ruthless, bad sister, bad sister, bad sister. 

“I know, I know I am a bad sister! I know I am a brat. I know I am selfish! You come first over anything and I-” I sob.

“Lillian.”

I peek through my hands, and I had to hold in a louder sob. His face. His face. The snakes. The black vein-like snakes. They were on his face, climbing higher and higher. His face glowed a pale white, like an aura of a ghostly figure. His eyes began to turn bright red. Oh god, oh god, oh god. I made him feel a strong emotion. I triggered him. 

“Leo, Leo please don’t take it this way! It's not you. It's me, I am selfish. I am a bad sister. I -”

I was stopped with Leo pulling me into his embrace. He hugs me tight, the kind of hug your mother gives you when you are crying after a bad day and you just want to have safe haven from all the disgusting and mean things life throws at you. I should have pushed away - I am supposed to give him that! - but I wanted it so desperately. So much that I became numb from realizing it.

“Beyond my dream,” his voice sounded older, no longer the five year old voice I was familiar with. It was fifteen, deep and strong in a flash, “beyond my disease, whatever the hell it is, what do you want to do? What does Lillian want to be?”

No idea. That was my first thought. But then I thought it over. I wanted the old days. But I know I can’t. It is all gone.

“I know we can’t go back to what it was before.” Leo whispered. He was probably blaming himself, oh god, “But Lillian, I know you care. I know you care so much. But I didn’t think so much that you would sacrifice everything for me. That you won’t tell me that my dream is not yours, that you are working a job you don’t want to pay off bills. That you will not take care of yourself to do your own thing.”

I nod. Yeah I really did do myself harm. Leo pushes me away from him gently, smiling at me. Not like a child, not like a teenage boy, but like a brother. He looked me in the eyes.

“I love you Lillian. Don’t you ever, ever forget that. I will always be there for you, as much as this body can hold on for. Just promise me, promise me that you will never stay quiet and kill yourself like that.”

I wiped away my tears. I never realized how much I had bottled up inside the stress of taking care of him and how it killed me inside. I never actually had someone to lean on. I didn’t even try to lean on to myself. 

“If you want to quit acting, quit it. I don’t want you to work on something you hate or want to keep to yourself. Because if I die I want you to have some direction, and you can’t do that if you base off every action you do for me.”

I nod. I don’t want to think about life if he dies, I try not to, but that is definitely true. 

“So, what do you want to do?” 

I honestly don’t know. I never sat down to think about my life, but here I was, having a chance to sit and think. Hours pass by as Leo, from the emotions of today (can’t blame him. He gets tired easily) falls asleep, his symptoms gone, as he patiently waits for my answer. Watching him sleep, as the heart monitor beeps soundly to the rhythm of his heart and his even light breathing, an idea pops into my head. It is something I like - something I love - that I won’t mind doing. In fact, I want it to be for the world, but mostly Leo.  

I am going back to school. I will be a doctor. I will continue my acting career for the bills. But I will be a doctor and I will find, whatever it takes, what his disease is till I can go back to the farm and he can be a tech billionaire with a personal one-man act every night.

That is my dream. And that is Leo’s dream too. And when we both share a dream and work for it to happen, whether it is through studying or just resting to get better, it happens. 

And it did.