I am not much of a partier. I have a reputation to maintain, a scholarship to obtain, and a future to gain. I don't have time to party and throw my life away. But here I am, walking into this party, with my beloved boyfriend. 

Before Jack and I stepped out of his car, you could hear the blasting music coming from inside of the house. I gripped Jack’s hand,

“I’m not sure this is a good idea…” I said, anxious to get out of the car and face the chaos. “We could just stay in and watch a movie together. Or go-”

Jack cut me off.

“You told me we could go to this party, Ivy. Why ruin a good time. You wanted to spend time with me, you're spending time with me. Just enjoy it.”

“You’re right… Just don't leave my side, Okay?”

“Mhm… Lets just go inside” He said ignorantly. 

The moment I stepped foot into the door it was pure rage. Normally, I can handle people and socialize, but being surrounded by drunks wasn’t something I exactly looked forward to. Jack leads me to the patio where only a few gathered. Along with Jack, I grabbed a chair and pulled it around the poorly built fire that everyone else sat around. No one bothered to introduce themselves nor did Jack bother to introduce his own girlfriend.

It feels like a million minutes passed, longing for the moment Jack finally decides it’s time to go. Irrelevant chatter bounces back and forth between everybody. But still, I sit silently soaking in my boredom. That's when I thought I misheard Jack and his friends, and came back to reality. 

“Dude, did you bring the stuff?” Jack said urgently.

“Heck yeah I did!”

I squinted my eyes to get a better look at the tiny bag his friend was shaking. He spreads a white substance across the table and motions Jack over. It feels as though everything is happening too quickly. Jack lowers his nostril to the glass table and snorts, where the cocaine sprawls. Jack chuckles as he looks up at me,

“Don't look so terrified, Ivy. It's not as bad as you think.” He says convincingly, “Here try some, it's fun!” 

Jack's eyes draw back, sliding the plastic bag across the table. Fear fills my eyes. I've never been one to give in to temptations, or listen to others, but…what could really go wrong…I sit as still as a statue as I feel everyone's eyes on me, waiting for me to finally give in. 

It can't be that bad. Right?

The patio starts spinning, I begin to feel dizzy and all I can hear is the faint laughter of the people around me. I'm stuck, I'm lost and I don't know what to do. Everything becomes foggy and suddenly it feels as though my life went black. 

RING RING RING

RING RING RIN-

My eyes erupt open as I listen to the god awful sound of my phone ringing. As I jolt to the noise, I feel a sharp pain in my arm and look down to source the reason for the pain. The needle of heroin that I inserted just a few hours prior, remained in my arm. Ouch. I removed the needle slowly, feeling the soreness and bruising settle. I squint my eyes to the bright sun that my car sits under and reach over the center console, patting away to find my phone. 

“Hello? I said sheepishly annoyed.

“Hey Ivy. Just making sure you're coming in to work today?” 

“Uhhhhh….Yeah…Of course I am.”

“Okay well I expect you to be here in 10 mins. It's happy hour and you know how middle aged women get when they are offered 3 dollar margaritas.” 

Once I arrive at work I put on my best sober act and get right behind the bar. The crowd grows busier and I try to hold myself together but the high of the drugs are causing an abruption to my tasks. I knocked over a tequila bottle, broke a tray of cocktail glasses, and even spilled wine on a customer. I profusely apologize, trying to save my butt, but it was no use, it was too late. And I hear my manager call me to the back. Shoot. 

“Look Stacy, I don't mean to be so clumsy. It's been a tough day and I'm managing through. I'll make it up, I promise.”

“No, Ivy. You have done enough already. You're always messing up, or arguing with a customer, or coming to work high. We can't afford to keep up with you anymore.”

She looked at me with a concerned look as her eyes followed down my arm. I looked down to see where her eyes had been staring, blood stained on my arm where the needle had laid earlier that day,  and immediately realized what deep trouble I am in. 

“Ivy, Youre fired,” she demanded. “We have given you one too many chances to fix your behavior, we have done nothing but give you opportunities, and you still can't get better. You need serious help Ive’s.”

I look at her in shock, completely destroyed by her words.

“Please Stace, I need this job, you know I do, I need to pay my debts, I need to provide for my kids, I can't be living in my car anymore, I need the money…please. Just give me one more chance,” I begged and begged. 

“No Ivy. It's over. It's done. You need to leave my restaurant, and for the love of god, please seek some help. I know you want to be in your kids' life, and that will never happen if you keep falling down this path.” 

Stacey gives me one last sympathetic look and motions me out the door. I refuse to pick a fight with her, I know how much stress i've already caused her, so instead I turn around and leave the restaurant.

I get into my beat up 2008 Honda Civic and take off, with nowhere to go, and no one to talk to. I drive in agony, knowing that without money, it's going to be hard to fight for my kids. I have already lost my apartment, giving them no place to live. And now their dad gets them all to himself. I need my parents right now. 

I found myself in front of their home and before I even approached their porch I saw the door slowly open, the screen door remaining shut. My mom peaks her head through the door, her eyes wide but steady. I can see the pain in my moms face, knowing I'm the last person she wants to see.

“What are you doing here Ives?...Really? It's been six years and this is how you return?” She cried. “You're just hurting yourself coming here, we aren't giving you any more money. We can't help you anymore.”

Her words stung but I couldn't be offended after all I have put them through. She feels used, and I give her every ounce of respect for that, because I have done nothing but use them.

“I'm not here for money, Ma. I'm here because I miss you. I miss dad. I miss being a family.”

I lied. While I did miss my parents to the bottom of my heart, I am not doing it for that reason.

“What do you really want, Ivy? You don't miss us. You used us for years. You have put your dad and I through hell. You only ever wanted us to get what you wanted. I mean what happened to you hun. Look at you. You used to be such a brilliant little girl, and here you are. Heavens if I know, you're high right now.” 

“Mom, I promise I'm better now. I'm doing great! I just want to be back in your guys' lives again. I've changed, I have. I need you to let me in. I need to be here. You're my family, that's what you're here for. You're supposed to be here when I need you.”

I started to grow angry as I spoke to her, wishing she would just give in. I mean I'm her freaking child…Shouldn't she have a little sympathy for me? I put my hand on the door handle and started to tug on it. She pulls the door shut and locks it, making it known I'm not welcome in. Tears of anger start to fill my eyes. Why won't she just let me in. 

“Ivy, you need to leave. Your dad nor I want to see you. You're not well. You're almost thirty and still acting like this? You need help Ivy, and we aren't providing that for you.”

She begins slowly closing the main door.

“NO! Mom Please. You've got to let me in. I'll be better. I will. Don't do this to me Ma.”

I plead and cry as she looks at me in sorrow. I started to push and pull at the screen door, yelling and crying for my dad. I fought the door in pure neglect, kicking and screaming, throwing a temper tantrum just as a little girl would. My mom gave me one last look of disappointment, and that's when she turned me away. For good. She closed the door on my face and I heard the clicking of the lock. I now stare at the unoccupied door, on my knees, sobbing.

It's been a few days since the incident with my mother and I have relapsed on more things than one. I felt cold heartedly defeated the day my mom shut me away, for good this time, and I didnt know what to do with myself. As I sat in my car, hopeless, not even aware of what day it was, I got a phone call from my lawyer. 

“Mr. Crouppen? What can I do for you?”

“Ivy…Where are you?! The court session began 20 minutes ago…You're going to lose this case before you can even fight it.” 

My heart dropped and utter panic fueled my head. That's today?!

“Oh my gosh….I'll be there soon. Tell them to hold off a little longer. It's uh..It's traffic! Tell them I'm running late because of traffic.”

I hung up the phone with zero hesitation and turned the key in my ignition. I had a billion things racing through my mind. I Hope I make it on time. Hoping at least someone gives me a chance. I raced to town, where court was being held. I pulled into the nearest parking lot, ignoring the parking fee, and ran toward the federal building. As soon as I met the stairs that led up to the doors, Mr. Crouppen walked out, his eyes fixated on me. His face filled with disappointment and failure. He didn't even have to open his mouth for me to know… I lost custody over my kids. I didn't even get to fight for them. I didn't even get a chance. Tears flooded my eyes, wondering how I could be so stupid. They were my whole world and I ruined it, I failed them, again. I looked up at Mr. Crouppen, and all he could manage out was, “I'm sorry.”

He gave me a sympathetic pat on the shoulder and walked away. There I was, left alone, again. I was sobbing at the bottom of the staircase, wishing I had never been so stupid. And now my kids, my only hope, are gone and lost. A waterfall of tears streamed down my face, making me lose vision, and my life seemed to have become a dark, dark, void….. 

“Helloooo…earth to Ivyyyy…”

Music becomes louder and chatter of the voices around me become more clear. I look up to Jack standing in front of me. He waved his hand in front of the glass table, snapping me out of whatever LaLa Land I was in. And there I was, presented with cocaine again. I didn't know what to do. I mean.. I have a whole life ahead of me. I want to become a lawyer. I want to provide for my mom and dad and make them proud. I want to start my own family and have a loving husband. Taking these drugs could ruin all of that, even if it's only “one time.” But I do want to have fun. I want to be cool. I want a life... So I lean forward, move my face towards the table, and blow. The white powder scatters across the table and all over the ground becoming more like dust than anything else. I see rage fuel Jacks face,

“Why would you do that?! You just wasted a perfect line. God you're such a loser. Thank goodness I was only using you.” 

My eyes as wide as an owl I look at him,

“Thank goodness I'll have a future without you. I thought I would be stuck with a disgrace like you forever.”

His face grew even redder, but before I could give him any more time of day, I turned around and left. I called my mom and asked her to pick me up. I waited at the end of the driveway and felt more alive than ever. No drugs could ever make me feel that way. My mom pulled around the corner in her 2008 Honda Civic and honked her horn politely. I opened the car door,

“I love you so much mom. I wouldn't have my life any other way,” I said as soon as I saw her. “And I never want to have to sleep in the back of this god awful car.” 

She giggled with confusion, squeezed my hand with love, and drove away into the deep blue night skies.