I am what rises and sets each morning and night. If anyone could see every disaster to ever occur, it would be me. I will remember that tragedy like it was yesterday, just like Cadie and her family.

After the early hours in the morning, my bright light beamed on her dirty golden strands of hair when Cadie woke. Her mother Susannah, sat on the couch, undetermined of what was wrong. The situation was undefined, nothing Everett or Boyden could say, why? 

Cadie’s brother Reagan worked for her dad, Raymond, during the summer. Raymond knew Everett and her son Boyden didn’t show up to work that morning, he was worried. Reagan wasn’t a worrier, if I ever saw negative emotion on his face, the world probably had ended. And I see all.

It was summer vacation in 2022. Summer being Cadie’s favorite, I would always see her enjoying her time better when it was warm. 

The silence built up for a second or two. Cadie sat on the couch, waiting for her mother to grab the car keys and drop her off at her summer band rehearsal. Through every window on the right side of her blue-ish house, I beamed right through; Cadie’s cat snuggling up in the warm patch on the carpet. Her mother turned to face Cadie before she spoke, “Everett didn’t make it to work this morning, we don’t know anything about it. Her boss tried to reach her, but she didn’t answer.” Susannah stayed calm, and Cadie’s face rested. But watching her think deeper about it, there wasn’t a good explanation for this. Whatever it was, their days would be ripped to shreds.

What her mother had said before left Cadie’s mind quickly. And still, they left the house. Turning each curb, watching the roads through Susannah’s sunglasses.

I observed Cadie walk into the school, cooling off her shoulders, the sun-kissed blonde strands falling into the shade. To kick off summer in Red Lodge, Montana, her friend Harper had planned to hang out after Cadie was out of school, just to get food and take a walk.

Naturally, it never rained on a sunny, hot June day; but it rained from the eyes of her mother, her father, and her family. One text message made her heart rate speed up. It created that lump in her throat when you’re about to sob, and it was the only reasonable answer to why Everett and Boyden never arrived at her job at the daycare. 

I was physically unable to cry. I was the formation of warmth and light.

Cadie stood inside the school when her rehearsal was done. Susannah pulled around the curb. She didn’t look at each step Cadie took.

Without eye contact with her mother, she was unaware of her sorrow and immediately talked to her mom about her plans. Her mother’s voice interrupted her, shaking and hitching between each breath. Cadie’s face paused.

“They were killed in a car accident.”

“No, no.. no, no.” 

I watched discomfort, disbelief, and tears reveal themselves on Cadie’s face. It was like it was collected straight from her mother's face. She was human too. Her emotions swapped places, she was heartbroken, but that shockwave hit her. It was only a matter of time before it took her to process the words that floated in her mind.

Boyden was just a baby, Everett was pregnant with her second child. The flashbacks of his first birthday party swarmed Cadie’s mind. I had to hide behind the clouds at some point. Because even when it drizzled with raindrops, it brought the family together.

Before Susannah spoke, she tried to regroup herself and tame her breathing, “I’m assuming you can cancel your plans, right?” She took her eyes off the road to look at Cadie, waiting for an answer. I watched tears stream down into the corners of her mouth, the look when your lips quiver when you know you’re about to sob over and over again. “We can just stop at her house and tell her.” Soon replied Cadie. I knew she was uncomfortable, sad, and shocked, she was a fourteen-year-old girl who just lost her closest path to peace. Parker lost his wife and only child, a family he had only started a year ago, now he had to start over.

Susannah pulled into Harper’s driveway, bringing the makeup-soaked tissue up to her face, while her other hand spun the steering wheel. Cadie knew she was going to cry again, but she walked up to Harper’s front door, startling her when the door just creaked open the tiniest bit.

“I’m sorry Harper,” a stream of tears fell on her face once again, “I can’t hang out,” she said as she stuttered. As well as Harper knew her, this coming out of Cadie was something unrecognizable. It was like opening a door to a brand new room, that Harper couldn’t picture in her head. “Everett and Boyden were killed in a car accident, we haven’t figured out who did it.”

Harper was at a loss for words. She immediately went to bring Cadie into a big hug. “I am so, so sorry, Cadie,” Harper whispered. I could tell she wanted to cry with Cadie. She wanted to sob the same way Susannah did.“I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now, and I know you need this day for yourself, but I will check on you through it. I’m here for you, Cadie.” 

Harper’s sympathy made Cadie feel safe. I knew these next few moments were about to be so difficult for her and her family.

Cadie’s face was dry from her tears. She was too shocked and scared to cry, but the person she knew she would sob again once she saw him, was her father. Her mother opened the door inside their garage that led into the entryway. Cadie saw her father with his face in his palms, shaking and crying. She had never seen her father cry, ever, not once. His only daughter-in-law, and his only grandson. They meant so much to him, and I could tell, I understood the depression that would haunt him for two years longer. Inside his sadness, he was angry, following the scourge that caused Everett and Boyden to die innocent deaths, it was unfair.

As soon as her eyes found him, his arms wrapped around her in a lock as soon as he felt her hug, crying in her father’s arms just made it so much worse, neither of them deserved to go through something like this. 

Cadie’s phone was filled with messages from friends and family. Even though she was thankful for all the sympathy messages, it wasn’t about those. If they had never gotten into a crash, those reminder messages wouldn’t exist. But her face was puffier than ever, and the red spots on her face became more red.

The rest of the day was silent, the news played on the television, showing the scene of the crash. It made her family’s hearts drop every time the headliner would roll by. Eventually, their eyes were dried up, they all looked rough and depressed, and the light left Cadie’s eyes, the eyes that matched Raymond’s and the eyes that matched Parker’s. But most importantly, it was the eyes that matched Boyden’s. Those beautiful cerulean eyes.

It would have started to rain that day if it was in my control, but I provide light to other places than just a small town in Montana. It was comforting to Raymond that for eternity, Everett and Boyden would only see the light of Heaven.

“I wish they could just talk to me one more time and tell me that they’re okay, Dayda,” Cadie said, her voice scratched at how hard she had been sobbing uncontrollably in her room just before.

“God has both of them in good hands, they’re being taken care of now. God will look over us and the rest of the family. This was all a part of his plan, and things will be hard for these next few months, years even. We can get through this, together.” replied her father.

The days leading up to the funeral were difficult to get through, it felt wrong for each family member and friend to go to Kohl’s on a random Friday to buy all-black clothing to show up to a dimmed, dark, and depressing funeral home. The only light that would shine through the drapes of the windows was mine.

Monday, June 27th, 2:57 p.m.

Cadie sat at her desk, her mirror reflecting her pale face. Her makeup was laid out in front of her, waiting to be plastered onto her face, before she would cry it all off four hours later. She scrolled through her phone, checking every notification. She couldn’t help but think of the impossible, if randomly she’d receive a text saying Everett and Boyden only suffered minor injuries, that they would be okay, but she wouldn’t. As she smeared primer and moisturizer onto her face, Susannah knocked on her door, opening it once she heard Cadie say to come in. Cadie turned to face her mother, “Do you need me to iron your outfit?” Susannah asked.

“Yeah,” Cadie replied, she got up from her seat to walk over to her outfit lying on the bed, picking up the black dress. She handed the outfit to Susannah before she walked out the door and closed it behind her. Her mom was calm, she was acting okay. As much as Cadie and her family knew this day would be one of the hardest days of their lives, it was easy to be calm and still. They were prepared for the crying and meeting with other family members for the entire four hours they would be there.

Cadie took out her waterproof mascara from her makeup drawer. She knew it was that type of situation where you would need a waterproof mascara. She still felt that it was necessary because it was enough pressure to cry at a funeral, even for her. She felt like everyone’s eyes would be on her once black circles formed around her eyes. 

The drive to the funeral chapel was long, but the line to get inside was longer, giving it was a visitation, this would be the time for not-very-close friends to show up.

Cadie and her family cut through the line, letting an employee know that they were immediate family members. They walked inside the chapel, heads almost completely down.

I saw the closed casket under the sunroof, watching the line of people going to give hugs and sympathy to Everett’s inlaws and family. Raymond stood in front of Reagan, who stood in front of Cadie and Susannah, shaking hands and accepting hugs from family members. They each took an obituary card from the table that had the register book on it, with names that filled a page and a half.

The line made it up the the dark wooden casket, it was closed due to their injuries being so gruesome. This made Cadie feel sick. The smell of dust and old housing filled the air while making her way up to Parker and his “inlaws” who sat in two chairs next to the casket.

There was only one casket. They were put in the same one together.

After Raymond hugged his son Parker, he walked by the casket. Raymond stared at the stacked row of flowers across the casket. He kissed the tips of his fingers and placed them on the picture of Everett and Boyden, tearing up.

Cadie walked up to Parker and hugged him. She and Reagan weren’t ever close to him, considering Parker was way older, but they still gave him the hug he needed.

The four hours of Cadie and her family sitting in chairs surrounding the home were long, but neither of them would rather be anywhere else, it was the only time to say goodbye, even if their last goodbyes were the ones they didn’t know would be Boyden’s birthday. 

The sunset on the way home was a mix of beautiful oranges and yellows. A painting that Cadie knew was painted with the help of those angels, I was the pigment. Cadie fell asleep that night numb, but only because there wasn’t anything she could do. The more she would cry, she would only feel more depressed. It was all about healing for her, and her family just needed to get through tomorrow as well, maybe then she would begin to feel at peace.

The second day of the funeral service started earlier, it fell in a tall Lutheran church that sat by a calm lake, with mountains surrounded. I still shined through the stained glass.

Susannah was welcomed by her best friend who lived in Minnesota. This was a surprise for her, which made Susannah begin to cry. Susannah was thankful that there was an unexpected guest to show her support and love, the Godmother of her daughter Cadie.

When the service began, that same casket sat at the altar, with the same flowers, and pictures. It was seen by Cadie and her family seconds before a pastor walked out from curtains behind a small stage, holding the word of God in his hands. The book of which held the Lord’s light, brighter than mine. It had each answer.

The pastor spoke from the Bible, preaching every right locution about the mourning of a loved one. God’s plan for the future of Everett’s family would be worth seeing, and that grief was only a matter of time before they all would heal around it.

At the end of the church service, the casket was picked up by six men of the family. Cadie sat next to her father, sobbing and blowing snot into tissue after tissue, along with her father. After all, Cadie was just like Raymond, they were feeling the same emotions. They held each other as that casket was taken away from them, they wouldn’t ever see them again for as long as only God knows when. That casket would eventually be buried in the ground, never to be seen again by anybody.

From then on, I would never shine the light I used to shine on their faces either. The only thing I could do was beam my sunlight on the granite tombstone, which would sit there until the earth stopped spinning, and until the oxygen left each pair of lungs.