As the noose fell around his neck, he said “Would you save me?”


“Yes!” I screamed, running to him, but he seemed miles away, his voice lost in a roar as loud as the ocean.


“No! You don't know what I've done!” he screamed, but he was not looking at me, he was gazing up at the sky.


“Geoff!” I called, the hot sun sending beads of sweat cascading down my naked back. He put his hands around the rope and looked down from atop the stairwell. He was standing on the railing, the rope tied to one of the metal bars. “Geoff!” I screamed, seeing that he was preparing to jump. “Don't do it! Don't do it! I love you! You know I love you!”


My throat burned as the words crawled frantically up my throat, each syllable a dagger-like claw. I couldn't breathe, my lungs were burning, my eyes were searing with tears, and, when I looked down, my feet were bleeding. The warm grass had turned into rocks being heated by the sun, digging their edges into my tender feet.


“You don't deserve this!” he yelled, but his voice still sounded worlds away. He wasn't getting any closer. If I was running so hard, why wasn't he getting any nearer? Glancing down, I was shocked to see that I was basically sprinting in place, my feet splattering more and more drops of red in a pool of my own blood. Squeezing my eyes shut, I willed myself to inert forward, but I opened my eyes and Geoff was still just as far off as before.


“Geoff!” I called. “Please! Come down! You can't do this to me!” The tears began to spill onto my cheeks, mixing with the sweat. Once again, my eyes fell shut as I tried to wipe them dry, knowing that more tears were sure to come. When I opened my eyes again, my soul split in two.


His hair, perfect blond locks that I loved to run my fingers through, hung limp in his face. The green eyes that had once seen into my soul were shut, never to be open again. I whispered his name painstakingly as I saw his mouth agape, his tongue drooping past the lips I used to kiss so lovingly. His neck was red where the noose was chafing his skin, the neck I used to cry into when I felt misplaced. My throat seared as I drew in a shaky breath, my eyes closing, sinking down onto the ground. “Geoff,” I said again, my voice strangled by the tears forming ravines on my face and the pain and dead “I love you's” choking my heart. I pulled my knees into my chest, burrowing my head into my arms. Why weren't Geoff's arms around me, comforting me? Why weren't his hands intertwined with mine, instead of my fingers yanking at my hair? Why was I laying on the hot, rocky ground instead of laying next to him in bed, my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat?


The noise of the nearby highway only made me cry harder. More than anything, I wanted Geoff to come up behind me and say, “Why are you crying, Mat? I'm right here. It's a great day. What are you so sad for?” But I was tired of hoping, so I just tugged at my hair and cried and screamed until, finally, I got it together enough to stand upright. I made the mistake of glancing at Geoff hanging in the air. I couldn't help it and I could feel his hand squeeze the life out of my heart. Shakily, I picked up my foot and stepped forward. But I couldn't move. I tried again and got nowhere. Over and over again, I attempted to move and each time I failed. So, with the sky now black, I laid down on the uncomfortable rocks, tears still streaming down my face. I shut my eyes and curled into a fetal position, thinking “If only he were here...”


Sleep came much easier when I pretended that the other half of my soul was right next to me, breathing deeply and easily. I pretended so hard that I actually believed it, but I woke up to Geoff's hand strangling my heart and his knife twisting in my gut. Was I destined to see the only one I had I ever loved who... I thought had loved me... dangle in front of me forever? All because I hadn't gotten there in time. “All my fault, all my fault,” I whispered, over and over so much that it became the cadence of my life.