"Lifes a dance you learn as you go
sometimes you lead
sometimes you follow
don't worry about what you don't know
lifes a dance you learn as you go"
-Lifes a Dance (John Michael Montgomery)



July 7 1996
mommy gav me a book to rite in mommy said i can rite thegs that hapen to me. daddy says i start skool soon. he said pepl get smrt thair. dad helps me spel but i can do it my self.

August 20 1996
mom went to the hospetal today. dad says she is having a babe but i had to sta home.

August 21
skool happend today. i think dad lid i did not lern enething. mom had her babe her nam is Amanda dad helpd me spel that i can not se her today

August 22
i mad a frend today his nam is Eza an we playd with ech athr

August 25
i got to se Amanda today dad helped me hold her dad says mom will be home when she is not so tird

August 31
Mom cam hom today Amanda gets to slep in mom an dad room dad says i am jelus

October 14 1996
Amanda is lowd at nit she waks mom up an mom gets tird agn

November 5
today is my brthday and dad is taking me to a corn maz i trn 6 today

March 4 1997
now Ezra is 6 an we r the sam ag agan

August 21 1997
mom says it is a big day 4 Amanda to hav her frst brthday i doo not evn remembr my frst brthday i lernd that brthday is speld b i r t h d a y i do not think i wil remembr it

July 16, 2002
i lost my book for a long time i was looking at it and it looks bad i hope nobody reads it. this year Mandy starts school i prayed with her last night she asked for school not to hurt her. i told her not to worry and school has not hurt me. she smiled and said "But Eli you are a boy nothing bothers boys"

July 17 2002
last year Mandy got told she has a disease called Leukemia dad wouldn't tell me what it was only that there was a chance she wouldn't live thro it. it makes me really sad to think about growing up without Mandy



Mandy started having to go to the hospital more and more over the coming months. Elliot tried to keep up in school but sometimes he couldn't help and in the middle of a math problems tears would fall slide down his cheek. He thought he had to be scared for his sister because it seemed like nobody else would. deep down somewhere he knew Mandy would live thro this. she was always so tired and she started sleeping more and more. His mother and father told him she would be happier if he wasn't sad. he tried his best when he was with her. But at school it was hard because everything reminded him of a sister who was fading from life. She was only seven years of age he prayed every night for her and he would have given anything to switch places with her. He would cry in class and he was starting to be made fun of. he wasn't able to stop himself sometimes he wasnt even sure what brought on the sadness but sometimes it was also very apperant; a name, a desk, a question even the use of his own name. His parents would have to pick him up from class and take him home where it was worse; the stairs, the yard, his room..... her room.


"I can still feel you
as close as skin every now and then
all by myself in a crowded room
or my empty bed
there's a place you've touched with your love
no one gets to
i can still feel you"
-I Can Still Feel You (Collin Raye)


flashback
"Come on Eli, come push me on the swing" she tugged on his shirt sleeve "I want to play"
"Ok ok i'm coming" he grabbed his PB&J and ran outside behind his sister
"Higher, Eli higher"
"You shouldn't go any higher" he answered "I fell off when i went higher on this swing."
"I'll hang on tight please Eli" she said her feet looking like they where touch the sky
"Be careful, Mandy" he warned as he pushed harder
He looked away briefly, then he hurt a scream. He wiped his head around his little sister was laying on the ground holding her knees.
"MANDY i told you to be careful!" he shouted as he ran to her. he prided her hands away and saw the blood running down her legs. He ran into the house screaming for his dad.
"Elliot what's wrong?" he said grabbing the boy by the shoulders
"Mandy she fell, i told her to be careful" He sobbed
"What?!" he ran outside. the boy followed his dad. Their father kneeled by his daughter her legs were red with blood. She had fallen in gravel. He wrapped his daughter in his arms and headed toward the car. "Elliot go inside" he shouted behind him.
The little boy ran inside sobbing he hid in the corner behind the sofa and cried. Why did he listen to her?

He walked up the steps to the hospital with his mother. He wouldn't go to school today. He had his saxaphone case in his hand and he was going to make her happy she would get better if she was happy.
He sat on the bed next to her she was small compared to the bed she lay in. He played every song he knew for her, hot cross buns, skip to my lou, merry had a little lamb, the ABC's. She smiled. she yawned, she was tired and his mother told him it was time to leave.


"My wish for you
is that this life becomes
all that you want it too
your dreams stay big
your worries stay small
you never need to carry more then you can hold
and while you're out there getting where you getting to
i hope you know somebody loves you
and wants the same things too"
-My Wish (Rascal Flatts)


August 18, 2002
I played for her today. Mom says her heart is weak. The docters said she doesn't have much longer to live. The docters said it is tragic when a young child dies. They have given up on her. I know boys shouldn't cry but i couldn't help myself. She was my best friend and everything reminds me of her. i miss her and she isn't even gone...... yet

August 19, 2002
Mom woke me up early in the morning, She gave me a huge hug and cried into my shoulder. She kept whispering "gone, all gone" i cried with her.
When dad got home from work he didnt say anything and he wouldn't talk. He wouldn't say anything to my mother or me.

September 1, 2002
Mom didnt want me to go to the funeral she said it was too sad and everybody was too sad already.
I miss her all the time. I hate this house i see her everywhere. she hadn't even got the chance to turn seven.

Novemeber 5, 2002
today wasn't a very good birthday. we are all sad i think mom and dad think of Mandy as much as i do.

flashback
"ELI!" she screamed from the kitchen.
He ran to her side. "What's wrong?!" then he couldn't help himself from laughing. his five year old sister was standing on a stool with peanut butter all over her hands and some jelly smired on her face. She looked like she was about to cry. He just smiled at her
"Do you need help?" he asked. She nodded sadly. "Come here"
She carefully climbed off of the stool and walked over to her older brother and he led her to the bathroom and helped get the sticky toppings off her body. Then he led her back to the kitchen and helped her make a PB&J sandwich. Then they began to watch tv when their mother came home and she shouted "What happened in the kitchen?!" the two children just looked at eachother and started laughing.

March 4, 2003
I went to Ezra's birthday party he said i should get out of the house
Dad told me mom left on a business trip which i found odd cuz she never has before but i wouldn't argue

July 8, 2003
Dad said Mom has been away for far too long. He said he called her workplace and they said they never sent her on a trip so dad and i are going to New York state where dad said she was headed. Mom and dad were raised there.

July 12, 2003
we got a hotel room dad had some ideas where he thought she would be. I was starting to feel sick. Something wasn't right.

August 10, 2003
dad found mom......... dead. it hurts to say that. she is gone. Dad said she killed herself, because of Mandy. She had a stab thro her heart and a knife in her hand.

August 21, 2003
today is mom's funeral i'm going to this one

happy eighth Mandy i love you


"So I'm gonna smile
'cause i wanna make you happy
laugh
so you can't see me cry
I'm gonna let you go in style
and even if it kills me
i'm gonna smile"
- Smile (Lonestar)



July 17, 2005
Dad met this lady and i guess they like each other a lot only problem i hate her
a house needs to land on that witch
am i mean if i asked god for that to happen? i don't think it will but i did apologize
her name is Stacey and she has two daughters who are just as bad as she is. They are 5 and 7 years younger then me yet they get treated more freely then i do. My dad's being annoying he won't talk to me about anything!
All that he has said to me that was romotely interesting was he told me he was going to ask Stacey for marriage. MARRAGE
gosh i hate my life


He was furious with his life and ecspecially his Dad he was going to crack soon and was indeed that night. they were eating alone. the first time in weeks.
"So how is work, Dad?" he asked
"fine"
"is that all?"
"What do you mean?" his dad finally looked at him.
"What do i mean? i try to ask you the same questions every night and i get the same answers, dad."
"Okay Elliot settle"
"So are you finally gonna say my name???"
"ElliotLee" he graweled
"Dad" he graweled "Why do you do this to me? you only talk about ur plans in life or telling me what to do"
"I'm only trying to help Elliot"
"Well I don't need your help dad." I spit at his name
"Well i just try telling you if you had a job and some money u could get that car you want then you wouldn't just be talking about it"
"Well here's your answer dad. I can't get a job around here with a dad who says his son in emotionally disabled"
"Now elliot when have i ever said that" he said his voice perfectly even almost playful
"I'm not stupid dad i'm tired of being ignored in your perfect life"
"Where is this-"
The table rattled, followed by virious stepping up the stairs. "I want out!" came a shout
"You can't get out of life, ElliotLee" was the reply.

May 15, 2006
i moved out. i can't stand my dad i found an appartment in a different town and i got a job Galleons i can do this i don't care what my Dad says.

June 4. 2007
i played music again today!!! things are looking better for me again. i've started praying again i think god missed my voice ;) i didn't reallize the joy music gives me. it really is the calm in a storm and anybody who doesn't feel that is tone deaf or dead. i missed you music.
Mandy i'm sure you are happy. i love you. you too mom

September 18, 2007
I found a car!! sweet hahaha finally my chevelle is MINE haha Ezra is such a great person i am in debt to him forever

August 28, 2009
i got to play with the Madison Scouts this summer it was amazing i will never forget it

April 2010
i see a lonely year ahead of me. being alone is lonely : (

August 21, 2010
today u are 15 Mandy and your brother has finally grown up
i miss you all the time and i can't wait to see you again (:

"If you get there before i do
Don't give you on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long i'll be
but i'm not gonna let you down
darling, wait and see
and between now and then
'til i see you again
I'll be loving you, Love, Me"
-Love, Me (Collin Raye)