I'll Never Be Good Enough! | Teen Ink

I'll Never Be Good Enough!

September 17, 2010
By SimplyRachel PLATINUM, Charlotte, North Carolina
SimplyRachel PLATINUM, Charlotte, North Carolina
48 articles 6 photos 40 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift, that's why we call it the present."
"Things change, friends leave, and life doesn't stop for anybody."
~Stepgen Chbosky

"I'm sorry." I say. "Kev, listen to me please. I really do love you.” “Whatever.” You said. “Why won’t you ever listen to me!” I yell. “I’ll never be good enough for you! You’ll never accept me for who I am!” “Why don’t you just shut up?!” You scream. “Just answer my question.” I say calming down. “Do you ever really want to talk to me?” I asked. Than you hang up. I had been choking back tears this whole time. I decided to call back. However you wouldn’t answer me, so I left a message. “Kev.” I said tears streaming down my face. “I love you, a lot, but I’m never gonna be good enough for you. I can’t go through this everyday.” I hung up the phone and wiped my eyes. When I first met you I never though we would turn out as the best of friends or anything more. But we really can’t be either, you want me to change so YOU can stay happy, and I’m sorry I can’t; I WON’T do that.
The next day at school Ms. Smith said we had to pair up for out work today. Sadly I really didn’t have friends in here, not really anywhere else either but whatever. Everyone else had multiple friends so they worked with them and I got stuck with Dina. “Oh my God.” She whispered under her breath. “I really don’t feel like working with you, so lets just pretend we are but don’t.” Dina said smirking. I rolled my eyes. “ What?” I asked “I’m not good enough to work with you? I’m sorry I didn’t realize you had to be a b**** like you to work with you.” Dina sucked her teeth. I won’t be good enough to do anything with or for you. According to you, I won’t be good enough to go “fetch” you a water bottle or a soda or something. Not that I would do that anyways.
I got home and I was talking to my friend Isaiah. “Becka” he said. “You’re the best girl I have ever met. Your so sweet and not to mention gorgeous.” “But I’m worthless.” I said. “Your not worthless.” Isaiah said. “Yes I am! No one cares about me. No one likes me. I’ll never be good enough for anyone!” I screamed. “YES YOU WILL!” Isaiah said. “You’re good enough for me!” “So that’s one person!” I yelled. “I need more than one good friend in my life.” I said. “I can’t go through being hated and not being good enough for people.” I sighed. “I gotta long day ahead of me tomorrow, so I gotta go, bye.” I sighed again and hung up my phone.
My dream was worse than my life.
“What the hell is your problem?!” I heard someone scream. “My problem?” Someone answered. “What’s yours?!” I seemed to be at school, I ran down a hallway and burst through a door and someone’s there along with my best friend. The girl, I don’t know who she is but she’s yelling at him. I run to them but I don’t seem to be getting any closer. “Hey!” I yelled. They turned to face me. “Leave him alone!” I yelled down. “Shut up Rebeckah Morales! Stay out of this!” “No! You can’t make me! He’s my best friend and I’m telling you to leave him alone!” “NO! I won’t and you can’t make me!” The girl yelled. “You’re a stupid, no good, loser! You won’t ever be good enough for anything!” I burst into tears and woke up. I was shaking worse than a dog afraid of thunderstorms, and they shake a lot.

I went to school and the girls words from my dream echoed in my head. You’re a loser, you’re worthless. You won’t ever be good enough for anything! I tried to shake them out of my head but I couldn’t. Everyone around me told me this. It keeps bringing me lower and lower. My self-esteem can’t take much more of this. School got out and I walked home. The words still echoed in my mind. I went into my bedroom and blasted my music. My favorite song of all time, Welcome to my life by Simple Plan. I walked into the kitchen to take my ADD meds. I haven’t been taking it but I know I need to take it. I’m supposed to take 2 pills every 4 hours but instead I took 4. Then 4 hours later I took another 4 pills. Occasionally the room would spin but I didn’t care.

Later on I took 8 more pills. I knew I was going to get in trouble if my parents found out so I went to the bathroom and washed my face and then went and crawled into my bed. I had the same dream that night and for 3 nights following. I couldn’t take it anymore. When I got home I got my pill bottle off the counter and went into my room. I poured the remaining pills on my bedside table. 13 left. I picked up my water bottle and swallowed them. Then I laid back on my bed and closed my eyes for 1 final time.

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