So I’ve started a daily routine where I go out to the backyard in my pajamas and sit on one of the lawn chairs still up from one of the parties I held back in November, ya know, the one where Chelsea took of her shirt and almost lost it in the fire pit, and everyone was spilling their hot chocolate all over the kitchen counters. Anyways, I get up really early, around 6:30, and I watch the sun rise, and I write down how it makes me feel.
For some reason, it’s supposed to help me find my non-existing self esteem, or at least that’s what my therapist has told me. She thinks that finding beautiful things that no one else takes time to notice will help somehow. I don’t know how this is going to help. She thinks that everything is fixable if you set your mind to it, like crying about our feelings tapes up the feel-good-emotions “piggy bank” of my mind.
(Sigh)
-Jan 17, 2011: There better be a pretty damn good reason for having school today; we’ve been in a Snow Emergency for two weeks now, and it’s almost a blizzard out here. There’s a cardinal on the roof; I try to look up at it, but the snow just blinds me. And the morning’s just bright enough for the snow to be piercing white without the sun really being up yet. I hope tomorrow’s better. Going inside. Making me feel… cold…
-Jan 19, 2011: Forgot to wake up early enough yesterday, but today’s a clear morning. The neighbor’s dog is barking again. It needs to shut up. But the sun’s a brilliant pink peach and the sky’s a bright orange. It reminds me of butter over mashed potatoes. Making me feel… hungry.
-Jan 20, 2011: FRIDAY, for first off… Second off, it’s supposed to be warm this weekend. ? Anyways, a few fluffy clouds are gaining the Shirley Temple pink on the bottom. The cardinal’s back and I can watch him today eating the berries off of the bushes. Two red squirrels are taking over our shed, and right now they’re trying to chase each other. The sun’s up. My face is feeling warmer already, but going inside to get ready for school and make hot cocoa. Making me feel rushed.
-Jan 21, 2011: Hard to get up this morning. Major party last night; I think I found Chelsea’s shirt. I’ll give it to her at school. Made some coffee, took a morning shower (so my hair’s freezing to my scalp at the moment), and put on some snow boots. The squirrels are at it again. That's Lovely. : P But it’s cloudy this morning, so all I see at the edge of the horizon is a small glitter of light, which must be the sun. Tomorrow’s supposed to be grey as well. Anyways, I’m going inside to sleep in. These boots are not made for snow! Making me feel frustrated.
-Jan 23, 2011: Herb is with me this morning. He spent the night at my house since his parents are out of town. It’s because of things like this that I can see why people think we’re dating. Before dad left for work, he made coffee and forgot to empty the pot, so that was something nice to wake up to. ? The sunrise is hard to see; it’s cloudy again, and snowing a lot, again. Getting tired of the snow. I think the sun’s up by now. Going inside to take a shower and get ready for school. Making me feel comfortable.
-Jan 24, 2011: This is getting to be a habit by now; waking up early and watching the sunrise. It’s nice. Lately, Herb’s been acting funny since he slept over. Maybe he’s sick or something. I’ll make some soup if he is. The Cardinal’s back, eating from the bird feeder. We went to the store to ask for some bird feed, and the guy asks us if we wanted big birds. We thought he meant Blue Jays or something. Woke up this morning to find Ducks flying into the feeder to get the seeds to fall on the snow. The sun’s trying to hide behind the clouds again, so I’ll go inside. Making me feel relaxed.
-Jan 25, 2011: Wednesday, and that means Dad gets up later, which means he’s home for a while in the morning. He made some bacon and toast, and I went outside to watch the sunrise. He wants me to talk to him about why I’m doing this sunrise documentary. Really, dad? You want to talk to me about my day? O.o is there something wrong? He is 47. But he grabbed his coffee and walked outside with me. He stood for a while, and then just stood by the window inside. Cheater. You’re not supposed to cheat. Lol He just doesn’t get it.
Sun’s a brilliant Orange this morning, and I’m going inside to regain feeling in my hands. Making me feel important.
-Jan 27, 2011: Didn’t get outside yesterday since I had no sleep. Really bad dream from Wednesday kept me up all night curled on the couch in the sunroom. Dad got worried, so he worked from home and told me to stay inside. He told me being out in the cold with little sleep can be really bad for schoolwork (you’re kidding me, dad, really?). I made some Coco Wheats, added creamer and brown sugar, and forgot to make an entry. Made me feel dumbfounded, and scared.
Now today, I didn’t really get sleep, but Dad wasn’t here this morning, so I went outside. It’s just making me sleepier, but I have to do this. The Cardinal hasn’t been back yet, but I hope he will be soon. The squirrels are back at it, but they live in our shed, so what else am I supposed to expect? And Herb’s grown quite fond of them. He’s named them Bethany and Germaine, after his old Hermits. The sun’s a wonderful Peach color again, and the clouds above it are just flaming with Strawberry somethings. So many food references. So hungry. I’m going to eat now. Makes me feel defiant.
-Jan 28, 2011: Herb spent the night at my house, along with my date, Greg, after the dance. His date, Chelsea, stayed for a while, then she got a ride home. We had popcorn and watched a movie. Herb slept on the couch, Greg got the chair and footrest, and I slept in a sleeping bag. Sadly, my alarm woke everyone up, so they’re trying to go back to sleep and I’m watching the sunrise. It’s a pretty orange today, with some pink on the bottom of the clouds. Purple shadows stretch across the deep snow in the backyard. Well, going to join Greg in sleeping on the chair and warm up. Time to go back to sleep.
-Jan 29, 2011: Sunday – day that my dad’s sister came over for Sunday lunch after service. We never really go, since she’s a Jehovah’s Witness and we’re not very religious, but she still insists on having a holy presence at our house, whether it’s her or Joel Osteen in the TV. So I got up (normal time for me, nowadays), and got out the potatoes. I was peeling them with the carrots as the sun came up. It cast a pink glow on the yellow wall behind me. I can hear the squirrels scattering on the deck. The Cardinal probably wants some bird feed. I’ll refill the feeder after I get the roast in the oven.
Dad got a little upset when he found the guys in the sunroom yesterday. He has a right to, I didn’t tell him they would be over. But he has to have faith in me that I’ll know what to do if something wrong would happen. Why can’t he acknowledge that I’m growing up? That he can trust me? Felt oppressed.
-Jan 31, 2011: Mom took me to dentist yesterday morning; couldn’t watch the sunrise. Oh well. This is my last entry, anyways. This small notebook is out of paper.
I’ll be staying at mother’s house after I pack up. Maybe it’s for the best I stay a little bit at mothers. I haven’t talked to her in a while. Greg has stayed the past two nights in the living room. Herb has been visiting regularly, as well. They deserve a pancake breakfast sometime for all their good work.
The sunrise is blazing orange and strawberry passions. The clouds, as Greg says, “The delicate clouds, tousled and bruised a purple-pink, sigh along with the morning blue” (I prefer Mourning; he thinks it’s too depressing. Then again, I’m not the poet). The Cardinal will miss the food, and I hope the squirrels get along well while I’m gone. Makes me miss them dearly.