Have you ever been so lied to that it felt like your heart dropped out of your chest and numbness took its place? Has the person who lied to you been the one who you trusted most? Did you love him? Were you close to idolizing him? That is, before you knew who he really was? He is and was my father. Ha. He told me he loved me while he slowly abused my every innocence. No. This is not a sexual reference. God no; may it never be. But, does it matter whether it was physical or mental? If it was an intrusion on your very person; a sneak attack impending on your way of thinking as a whole, would it make any difference as to its severity? Your mind is your reason, sanity, and disposition. It is how you function; how you live. It can even be your soul. When someone infects your thinking, plays with the controls, pushes buttons, and makes assumptions for you, that is when you become their toy, their tool. You are fooled into thinking that you are your own person; that the decisions you make are based completely off your own reasoning. The previous statement is proved to be a lie when you wake up to reality to find you've been abused, used and lied to.


Wow! You have gone through much dear reader. How hard life now must be for both you and I. Why have you never told anyone he was abusing you? Surely you must have known! If not, then you and I are more alike than I originally thought. I too told no one; fearing of my father's anger though I never knew him to express anything other than love or laughing. Or was it? Did you see that? Did you see that? He was laughing. He was laughing when he pinched me, when he hit me in the face. "Joking," he inferred, "I was only joking." He tries to cover it up by buying me off. My favorite, chocolate! Mmhm, yum. Only it goes sour in my mouth when I think how he has bought me off as though I were an auctioneer. Were you in an auction? Well, were you bought or sold? I was bought. Like a corrupt judge allowing the sinner to continue creeping in and out of my courtroom, he took me to movies and shops but ushered in thoughts that I should've never believed: "Your mother can never really love you," "Your mother is crippled in her way of thinking," and "Don't aggravate me in front of your mom! She'll never forgive me (it'll all be your fault too.)" All these phrases seemed to be the whispered words of the demons he told me he fought off with the help of Jesus; but he had never let Jesus help. Control freak? Maybe. Oh? You too? Your mother never completely loved you? How forlorn. I see. Yes. Your brother was favored over you because your mother could only love herself. Ah, he looked more like her, yes, that is the reason. Poisoned by years of hearing lies repeated over and over again. "I've changed," he says. "Your mother just can't see that." I go to mother and tell her. Changed! Changed! What a beautiful word had it been true.


It's all your fault! Daddy wants a divorce and you're the reason he can't get one! How could you? You devil! Get out of daddy's way! Sacrifice your own feelings for his. He wants her. He wants her now. Can't you see that? Insolent fool. He will live with her; she has a son - as if that's some sort of reason or excuse. She has a pool, a fireplace, he will be happy there. Don't you want him to be happy? He will be all alone when you leave three years from now. He's sure she'll never take him back. That dumb mother of yours will never learn to love, to forgive. He's changed! Doesn't she see that? Well pretty woman does. That new "significant other." She understands him. She likes when he plays drums. "Looks like a little drummer boy," she says while she laughs. Her laugh is like cars crashing or mice squeaking. It is only contagious like a virus is contagious. We laugh with her. Don't you like her? Oh, you must like her! She makes your daddy happy. After all, he hasn't been happy since mommy left him. It's been ten years… or maybe twenty since she never even loved him to begin with. "She married me to be a hero to my children! Your half-blood sister and brother. She hated my first wife." Really! Dad, what an awful person she must be! My mother? Yes. A horrid wrench she must be. Have you ever thought that? Secretly? When you knew she wasn't looking? You did? Good, then you already know what comes next.


For years, you think your mother is everything your father says she is. He is nice to you. Your mother judges you. He has changed. She has not. Fact, fact, fact. Lie, lie, lie. You are old enough now. Secrets are no fun unless you share with everyone. Yes, you are old enough now. He comes close to your face with pizza on his breath after coming out of the movie theatre. He will tell you why they are separated. Why mom and dad are not "parents," but "parent 1," "parent 2." He cheated. Do you forgive him? He only did it because she didn't love him. She was critical. Always judging. Always right. He did it to get back at her. He redeemed himself! He told her but she hated him. She got angry. She didn't forgive. What would you believe? He was buying you pizza; he took you out to that movie you had been wanting to see. He never suffered you attention. Oh my goodness! No way! You believed too! You are a believer now. That's what he told me. They came to faith. He and she, together. They were Christians. Forgiven of much: so why shouldn't she forgive him? He was sorry, sorry he ever cheated. But, she hated him. Never loved him. They separated. He cries. You feel sorry for him and hold him close. Close enough to feel his hot breath on your neck. Hush, hush. It's ok. "I love you," we say to comfort him. Yes, you can get divorced. Be happy. I will suffer for you. I will love you. You will love him. He shall be so happy. "I don't have to be mean to you anymore!" he says. "I won't have to work for her love anymore… Now I have pretty woman. We will live together. You will see my family. Your mother lied. They are not crazy. They love you. I love you - like she never can completely." You agree. You nod. You oblige. You cry.

Liar! Liar! Flows the blood of the choir. You are a singer. You love to sing. It is your passion. You are part of the worship team. You are a Christian. So is he. He stands next to you. He cries. You pity him. You love him. Jesus on those glass pane windows weeps. Jesus sees and he cries. John 11:35.


What? What do you mean?!? Daddy? Daddy why did you trick me? Why did you lie? Didn't you tell me you loved me? He lied to you. He's ripped your heart out. You shouldn't have buried him so deep in your heart because now he has to work his way out which is gorging every vital organ. You can't breathe. Try to stand. Fall. Try again. Everyone has failed you. He blamed you. He blamed his sins on you. After all, you were his tool anyway. Mommy? Why are you crying? I thought you didn't like me. That's what he told me. Why do you look so pale?


Your world is now upside down. Right is wrong and wrong is right. Betray him. Tell them what he's told you. Tell your brothers, your sisters, your mother and Jesus. Tell everyone how he took you aside in private, how he lied to you, how you were the problem in his eyes. Oh? You have a big brother too? Did he cry? Mine did. "Therapy." That’s what he'd called it. Like a prophet, brother explains how dad never changed; he's still the same. You are shocked. You are appalled. No! That can't be! To say that is to change yourself. You have to start all over. Become a baby again. Re-learn everything. Can you breathe? Or is all that blood rushing past your nose as you burst out of your comfort zone for the second time suffocating you? Broken. Beaten. Persecuted like your Savior. You've never felt so close to Jesus or pain. Vomit. Word vomit everything you've been told. Toxic waste flowing from your mouth and onto the laps of your family. Green slime oozes from your mouth as you utter the final word of betrayal. You wipe your mouth. Loyalty still pluses through your veins and you can't escape. You feel pushed to defend him. You ache. Why did you tell them so much? He'll be in trouble now. He can't see you anymore. Ok, one more chance.


He fails, loses all control and breaks every rule set up for him. He crosses every boundary and you are scared. You've never known this person. He is not your father. He is a monster. Where is your daddy? Where is mine? I can't find either of them. Look at mom. She will help. Plead with your eyes and escape. You run. You can't stop running. You call your best friend. Is he a boy or is she a girl? You ask him to tell you to go home. Your brain is confused. Your body won't listen. He tells you to go home and you turn back. You cry on the phone and sob until you reach your door. Enter in. Sit down. Write a story about it all. Then pray to God again and give it into His hands. Amen.