My hand trembled as I punched the number into the phone. 9-1-1. Those three simple numbers seemed to ring louder and louder in the midst of the chaos. How could this happen? I search for an answer, a reason why, as I hear the sirens approaching. Glancing over at my sister, I see that she is unconscious from the pressure of the two cars colliding. I’m too with my heart beating out of my chest to even grasp the concept of moving. Not that I would want to. One slight move and the little black car that was once my protection would suddenly collapse. The blue and red lights are getting closer, and I make one more attempt to wake my sister up. I had to believe she wasn’t dead. If I thought she was, my already fragile state would shatter like the glass that rained down on both the asphalt and our bodies. The firemen free us both, as well as the lunatic who hit us. We are carried onto the same ambulance; however I’m the only one to notice the curious gazes from untouched onlookers that would go about their lives, soon to forget this scene. That used to be me; now I’m a part of the scene that’s being watched. Next thing I know I’m in a hospital room as they are dressing my wounds. I sit in the hospital gown they gave me in exchange for my dirty, slightly bloody clothes. I look at the clock. It’s two in the morning. I glance out the window where I can see an empty hallway.
How can time change everything in the blink of an eye? It was only two hours ago when we were driving out of the Disneyland parking lot while blasting Taylor Swift from the stereo. Today, or rather yesterday, was supposed to be a day for Alecia to remember before she goes away to college.
Throughout my whole sixteen years of life, I’ve grown to know that we’re one of the lucky ones. I see siblings fight and literally hate each other. Then I look at us. Sure our relationship has flaws, but the wall holding us back from being vulnerable with each other was gone, and not just because we shared the same room. It’s weird to think of how, in some ways, our relationship had only just begun. I just can’t imagine how these next four years would be without her. We have stories to share, memories still to make.
No, she couldn’t have died yet. She never said goodbye. Yet I can’t escape this chilling fear of the desperate, unknown future that’s ahead. I know that no matter what, lives will change forever, and with that thought, I somehow go to sleep…
It’s now the first day of my junior year. I don’t know why I decided to go back, but I did. I think it’s because I don’t want it to see the looks of pity everywhere I turn while rumors swirl around me like wildfire, but then again I think that’s inevitable. I eat my cereal quickly before I head to my parent’s car. No one would let me drive myself to school for fear that the experience would be too much for me; after all it’s only been two weeks since the accident. I felt okay to drive to school, but I didn’t argue. It isn’t the same driving to school without her. It was the one moment of the day when we could argue and get on each other’s nerves for no other reason than because we were half asleep. Now that same car where we shared those moments, the car that I couldn’t bear to think about, was useless and broken. I walked in half expecting this big scene where as soon as people saw me everything would go silent. However, lately nothing has turned out the way I expected. Things continue to act like normal as I find my locker. Sean and Hailey walk towards me and before I get a chance to face them, I get a big bear hug from Hailey.
“Brianna! I came by your house after you came home from the hospital, but your mom said you weren’t feeling good. How are you doing?”
“I’m okay,” I responded as I closed my locker and started walking to my first class. Sean chimed in,
“We tried calling you, but we figured you need some time. You know we’re here for you right, Bri?”
“Yea, I know. Thanks for being so concerned, but really I’m fine.” I do my first attempt to smile for others who aren’t my family, and I have to admit, it isn’t getting any easier.
“That scars really something, Bri” said Sean referring to the scar that starts at the end of my left eyebrow and travels down to the middle of my cheek.
“Yeah, I guess. I figure it makes me look tougher.”
Sean smiles back and says, “It definitely does.”

I get home that day and everything looks the same. For some reason I expect my life to be the same as well. I try to convince myself it will all go away eventually. I step into our…my bedroom. The white walls are plastered with pictures of family and friends. Walking over to my twin size bed, I can’t help but stare at the empty pink bed that sits straight across from me. A car accident. Death. I close my eyes and plug my ears, but it won’t go away. I hear it; I see it. I get up quickly, trying to escape the memories. As I walk a few steps over to my stereo to drown out my thoughts, something on the bookshelf catches my eye. It’s Alecia’s birthday journal. Mom and dad gave it to her when she was eight years old to journal about anything she wanted once a year. She was excited every time she could unleash her thoughts onto the page. Sometimes she only wrote for a couple of minutes, other times a couple of houses, but no matter the length of her writings, she never failed to do so. I asked her a few times if I could read it.
“When I’m dead and gone you can do whatever you want with it,” she would always say.
Whether annoyed or jokingly, I don’t think she really intended on keeping that promise.

As I open up the first page it says:
“I’m turning eight today. This is my first year doing this kind of thing so I’m not really sure what to write. My sister, Brianna, is sitting in all her toys smiling her little face off. She’s singing to the Disney movies, pretending she is one of those princesses. I smell the yummy pancakes mom is making for me. I love pancakes. Well this looks like enough writing for one day. Okay, bye!”

I laugh unexpectedly at how my sister actually said “bye” to herself. If she were here I would totally make fun of her for that. I flip through a couple more pages, and I stop at the very last one.

“Happy 18th Birthday to me! I thought this day would never come. I am officially a legal adult. College is starting in three months and I have no idea what to think. It’s about 4 in the morning, and I just can’t sleep. I guess it works out in my favor because I won’t have time to write later on. It’s weird to think this is probably the last time I will write in my journal in this room. Going away to college in New York means it’ll be even harder to see my family. I can already see my parents are going to be a wreck. My sister will be fine though, I know she’s strong. I’m going to miss her so much. I never thought it would be this hard to leave her. She puts up a pretty tough exterior, but I know inside it will hurt us both. We’ve made so many promises over the years, and I plan on keeping them even though the distance is further. I will always be here for you, Sis. Whether it’s for emotional support, shelter, food, or money; I am here. Whenever you’re in desperate need just know you can call on me, and I’ll be here for you, forever. You know what? I think I just might give this to her… “

I can’t read anymore because my eyes are too blurry with tears; my tough exterior is too much to bear, so I let it just crumble down. I lay on the carpet thinking of her telling me to stop and calm down. I picture her pleading for my tears to end because when one of us hurt, we both hurt, and in a way it makes some of my pain knowing that I’m not alone. I choose to live with the thought that every day I get through I am closer to seeing Alecia again. We will share laughs and secrets once more. Best of all, our time will never run out. Never. There are no accidents in heaven.