Dear God, why does this always happen to me? How come people always stare? Why can people not just think their own thoughts? I keep my head up high! I keep my eyes straight forward! My nose stays in my own business! Why cannot everyone else be like that too?

Death is inevitable, I know, but my head still hurts when I sit in a pew, dress in black and sing Amazing Grace. This weekend, I attended my seventh funeral...in a week. Take me and put me in the casket instead. The accident happened because of me. How come I still live while they are dead?
It was late, God, the streets crawled with darkness. “Just call a cab,” they all told me, but I refused. Their last gasps still fill my ears. All seven of those beautiful souls might still be walking.
Amber, I love you baby sis. Please, do not hate me. Your warnings needed to be heeded, but I just kept risking our lives. I was too drunk to drive that night. I guess that seat belt helped none when I slammed into the white suburban. Mom and Dad miss you a lot. They remind me everytime I talk to them. Please, save me a seat up where you reside.
Josh, I always loved you. I planned on telling you that night when I dropped you off at your house. But...well, that never happened...did it? How come I refuse to let you drive? Alcohol never touched your lips that night, but the keys stayed in my grasp. Now,you may never drive through the woods, blasting that rock-n-roll music you loved like we used to. I am so sorry.
Stacey, thank you so much for always staying by my side. But, you definitely never needed to stay by me that night. We stayed best friends for ten years. I love you so much! I think I miss you the most, and I could never stop apologizing for what happened. And, baby Jack, your sonogram looked so amazing. Your mother could not stop grinning from ear to ear. You died before you ever showed the world your perfect, little soul. Keep bringing happiness to your mommy, even from where you all rest.
Barry, your brilliance never stopped astonishing everyone. When you told me you got into Harvard, I screamed with excitement. You deserved that full-ride scholarship. The world needed you as an amazing Doctor! Maybe, your hands could have healed your collapsed lung.
Tammi, how extremely stupid of me for running that red light. This accident never needed to suck you up into it’s fatal claws. A mother of three, a loving wife and your parents love you more than anything in the whole universe. I met them on tuesday at the service. A parent never wants to attend their own daughter's funeral. Your death hurt the most. Your death tore me apart because you and your family fought a fight meant for someone else. Please, forgive me. But, if you never find the heart to, i completely understand.
And finally, Jilly-Bean, the most adorable adorable child to bless my life. Always remember how wonderful your mother treated you. Never blame her for this. Please, for me, spend eternity by her side. Your future looked so bright. Number one in your fourth grade class, lead soloist in the school christmas program and a bright star in everyone’s eyes. By the way, your classmates wrote you a card and left it at the tombstone. O how I wish you experienced that magnificent token of love.
Why!? Why did I have to be so stupid? Why did I put all of your souls in danger? How come my pride got the best of me? Who understands my feelings and emotions? How come I get to keep my happiness when they will never see life again? Just why, God? I need some answers, please.
I never meant for any of this to happen. God, I deserve to take their seats up there. I drove that death trap. I ran the red light. I killed them all. I never want forgiveness. Please, I deserve my punishment. Just sitting through services of my loved ones kills me. Just seeing the judgement in family members’ faces built my guilt as high as Mount Everest. I cry no more tears, God.
Give me something to live for! I feel nothing, I possess nothing…I am nothing. My parents resent me, my friends cower away from me, my family will not even make eye contact with me, my boss fired me because of the charges made by Tammi’s family and my loneliness swallows me whole. Take me too, please. I cannot live like this, God. My entire being, slayed by emotion, shrivels up into oblivion whenever I think of that night. Sorrow took the place of closest friend, since I harbor nothing else. Words could never express these feelings of hatred, guilt, regret, sadness and depression, but I tried my best to express some of these terrifying feelings. I love every last one of you, amen.