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The Cabbage is Real
Jolicious Yum Yum was never an astonishing man. He led an average life with an average job stocking normal produce for mostly rude and normal people. Jo was a man of average height not very tall but not short either, and boasted neither an athletic build nor was he overweight and had recently turned 20. Jo could’ve won the award for the most average person in the world hands down. The one thing you could really say Jo had going for him was a girlfriend he had managed to keep around for the better part of a year, he didn’t know what she saw in him but he didn’t question it cause that would be stupid because he really liked her. This was basically the life of Jo Yum.
Early one morning, he was stocking produce when a customer walked up to him. This person didn’t look hostile or strange in any way. The stranger was a rather tall and slim man. The man said to Jo, “Excuse me but can you tell me where your cabbages are?” Jo immediately replied, “By the lettuce on the far wall over there, do you want me to show you?”
“Oh no that will be quite alright,” the tall man said with a deep voice, “but let me ask you just one more thing.”
“Anything sir.” Jo said.
“What is it that you want most in life at this moment?” Jo stopped to think, he had never really thought about that, past the usual things that gave him instant gratification like food and Dork Souls.
Jo finally just told the man, “Well honestly anything that would make me rich and famous would be pretty cool at this point dude.”
The tall man stood there for a second looking at Jo making Jo feel a bit uneasy with his answer. The man finally said, “Interesting, well I’ve got my cabbage, do you mind cutting it up for me, I don’t like them whole.” Jo looked at the man with wide eyes, he was sure the man had not left to grab the cabbage before now. “Of course sir,” Jo said dumbfounded, “I’ll be right back just give me a minute.”
Jo took the cabbage to the back room where one would cut the produce. His co-worker, Preston, that worked in the meat department was coming back from the baler and noticed Jo, “Hey what’s goin on Jo?”
“Oh not much just---”
“Woah Jo what are you doing!?”
Jo felt heat rising from his hands. He looked down to where his hands and the cabbage were only to discover that a cauldron of heat and pressure and steam and hellfire and heat were emitting from that area. He didn’t know what was going on but his hands seemed to be on autopilot.
“What have you done Jo!? That is, that is the most amazing thing I have ever seen, how did you do that cabbage… the cuts are so perfect!!”
“What, I… I don’t know, my hands they just… autopilot and, stuff!!” Jo stuttered.
All of a sudden Preston couldn’t support his own weight and he fell down on his knees. To Preston it had appeared as if he had witnessed the most beautiful thing in his life. I mean come on, who has ever witnessed a cabbage cut in such a perfect manner?
This became Jo’s new life, or a new part of it anyways. Preston had told the entire store about this magnificent feat and now even the managers of the store requested that Jo cut at least one cabbage in front of the entire faculty. Sometimes the customers even watched, a small amount at first while the rest yelled angrily at empty registers, but then eventually the whole store watched in unmitigated wonder. Jo didn’t know why this talent was watched so intently by anyone that witnessed it one time, but he didn’t pay much mind to that. He liked the attention.
One day an unusually large crowd turned up at the store. It soon became apparent that at least a quarter of these people weren’t even there to shop, but to watch Jo cut a cabbage. The show went just as he thought, people stared in awe as Jo cut a cabbage. You could hear whispers in the crowd stating, “The Cabbage God is real,” and “It’s the second coming of the based Cabbage.”
After the show, Jo saw a familiar figure approaching him. It was the tall man from the first day of the cabbage.
“Hello Jo, how have things been? I notice a lot of people came out here to see you cut that cabbage.” The tall man said with a smirk.
“Yeah, it has been like this basically for the past week now, these people are insane yo.”
“Well listen here Jo. My name is Dr. Lokiness” he was smiling now, “people obviously love what you do and I don’t think that it has to be limited to this venue, why don’t we make your own T.V show Jo? You said you wanted money and fame right? Well with this you’ll have both there’s only one thi—”
“How much money are we talking?”
“1 million dollars” Lokiness said raising his voice and putting his right pinky to the side of his mouth, “a year, for as long as you want to continue.”
“Damn dude, shoot I’ll take it. When can I start Dr. Ness?”
“Right now if you wish, but this will become your new job, every day until you no longer want these opportunities. Those are the conditions. If you don’t like these conditions then don’t participate—”
Jo wasn’t listening, “yeah man, 1 million dollarinos I’m so down, where do I sign up?”
“Alright Jolicious, let’s make a deal then!”
Dr. Ness offered up his hand and Jo took it, they shook on the terms. The next thing Jo knew he was standing on a podium in in the middle of a stadium. Before him lay a cabbage, a knife, and an apron. He cut that cabbage like no tomorrow.
Jo got the 1 million dollars paid to him in advance after his first show. He went home to his girlfriend that night to show her the money.
“Rose! Look at this, with this we can be set for life, just you and I.” He hadn’t told her about the deal he had made with Dr. Ness.
“Wait, wow this is amazing Jo,” she smiled, “but where did you get all of this. I mean, it’s just a lot of money to just bring home suddenly.”
“Here watch this.”
Jo turned on the T.V to the station that was playing his show. Rose saw everything, the crowds, the cheering, the cutting.
“Wait so”
“Yes Rose!?”
“You just cut that cabbage, and you make all those people go insane and you get all of this money?”
“Yup, every year that I participate.”
“Oh, ok Jo, whatever makes you happy.” She was giving an uneasy smile. She was suspicious of this whole thing.
Jo continued to cut cabbage every day for a while. He realized that being this busy with the show he had not had a lot of time to spend with Rose. He didn’t pay much mind to this though, with the money he had received from the first show he had managed to put them in a nice place on the nice side of town. He had purchased for them good vehicles and the bills were always paid. Sometimes he missed Rose, but he was sure that the cost of time was worth the benefits that came from it.
However, Jo would soon put on his final show.
They were watching intently. Millions of eyes fell upon him, the table, and the knife. His apron was pristine and white, fresh from the cleaners and his blade was legend to be forged from the hide of an ancient and powerful dragon named Kalmeet, but this was just speculation. People called his knife Kalmeet because of this legend, he didn’t call it anything, he only cared for what it brought him, a stable life for him and Rose. He looked around and noticed that every seat was filled and there were people all the way up to his little stage. He heard the chants, “The Cabbage God rises,” “Cut that cabbage good Jo!” and “Bear my babies Jo!” He thought to himself, “What the hell? I don’t think that’s even--?” No matter though, the time was now, the siren rang and his hands began to vigorously mince the cabbage before him. The crowd went wild, cameras flashed, panties and boxers were thrown onto the stage, people fainted and had to be carried out, and Jo just kept cutting that cabbage. It was a totally normal show. However, in the back of his mind Jo knew something wasn’t right.
After the show Jo went back to place. It was raining pretty heavily outside so he rushed to the door. He walked in on Rose walking towards the door. In her hands and trailing behind her were bags of her things
“What are you doing Rose?” Jo asked.
“Jo this isn’t working out anymore, I just can’t take it. You’re never home—”
“But Rose—”
“No buts Jo, look you are never here, you’re always cutting that f***ing cabbage. We barely spend any time together anymore. I want to be able to have you and me and a vacation. Not even one week this whole year have you taken time away from that show. It’s like those people are more important than me!” Rose was opening up all of the emotions she had been storing.
“But Rose, it’s part of the contract, I have to follow the contract or we will lose it all!”
“F*** the contract Jo! I don’t care about a contract, I care about you! I cared about you before you became some big shot cabbage cutter! But you don’t care about me, or us. You do but you don’t. Sure you give us all of these nice things, but we don’t even share these things together! I can’t be with a man that devotes his time to cabbages and some stupid contract!” Rose was walking out of the door, she had had enough of Jo’s s***.
“Rose please!” Jo chased Rose out into the rain, “If I break the contract then we lose all of this, I’ll be nothing! We won’t have anything left, it just—”
“We would have each other.” Rose smiled at him, turned, and walked to her car.
Jo stood in the rain, he couldn’t believe it, the one person that truly cared about him was gone now. He walked back inside, drenched, his clothes sticking to his skin. He went to the kitchen and grabbed a cabbage from the counter.
“It’s you huh? You are the one that did this, you caused all of this bull s***!”
“No, Jo, it was you that agreed to this, you have no one to blame but yourself.”
“What,” Jo stuttered, “are you seriously talking to me now? You are just a stupid cabbage! I can’t take this!”
Jo became enraged, he couldn’t take it anymore. He took the cabbage and threw it as hard as he could at the wall. There was a flash of light, and when Jo could see again he was absolutely shocked at what he saw. On the ground, just under where the cabbage had hit the wall, lay a pile of perfectly diced cabbage. Jo couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He fell on his knees, aggressively bathing himself in his own tears, and began to cry out.
“Why, why is the cabbage so mean?”
Jo heard a familiar voice.
“Jo, you have no one to blame but yourself, you wanted these things and they came at a price.”
Jo looked up to see Dr. Ness standing over him. Jo didn’t have a clue as to how Dr. Ness got there.
“Dr. Ness, dude, you have to let me break the contract man, I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life.”
“If you break the contract all of this will go away, the money, the fame, everything.”
“I don’t care, just make it go away, this is too much.”
“Ok Jo, then lettuce go back.”
Jo was stocking the produce when a tall and slim man walked up to him. The man asked where the cabbage was and what Jo wanted most in life right then. Jo replied almost instantly with,
“I may not have the most exciting life but you know what, it isn’t a bad life. Honestly sir, I don’t think any other life would cut it for me.”
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