Chapter 1: Your birth. The greatest event of your life. But it was just so joyous that you’ve forgotten it completely. Your mom tries to forget the pain; and though you are the love of her life, she will hold it over you until she dies. Next chapter.

Chapter 2: You start to pronounce words. Your spelling and writing is so awful that it looks like scribbles on a page, yet your parents call it art. If you had the ability to be critical, you would be. But everything is so friendly. You only remember the sunny days. Swimming with your mom in the pool. Playing phonics games on the computer. Daddy disappeared, but nothing seems to have changed. Your first two or three years are summed up into maybe 10 seconds of your memory.

Chapter 3: You can recognize yourself in the mirror and in pictures. They contain frozen shots of time and people with names that make no sense. You want to go to the Space Needle again. Your mom says you went last year, but hell if you remember.

Chapter 4: Yellow blurbs of light above you. The sidewalk in front of you is lit orange. The cars create scary reds and blues around you. There are so many sounds, but they all seem like one. It’s cold. You hate the city, and you worry that buildings will crush you. You’re so small. Someone could grab you and take away you from mommy. You want to go home. She holds your hand tight. If she lets go, it’s over—you’re dead. But you’ve had four years to live, and they seemed long. You get to the babysitter. Mommy leaves for work.

Chapter 5: You’ve graduated from the babysitter. You don’t have to go to her big white house with the weird fish bowl and the retarded kid you try to be nice to. (You’re allowed to have mean thoughts like that when you’re just a kid.) Now you’re in preschool and daycare, and you have no idea at all how you got there. What you do know is that nap-time sucks; yet you fall asleep every time. The playground outside is huge. You hate the bark because it sticks to your legs and gets in your shoes. (This annoyance will continue through the next ten years of your life). There was also that really scary time when you played with that bee hive. Why the hell did you do that?! No one even believed you were stung, but you know you were! Why else would you run scared from bees today? Even the friendly ones. Anyways, this chapter’s almost over, and you’re fondest memory will be when the kid blew out the candles and his face landed in the cake. You laugh. He cried.

Chapter 6: Mommy is holding your hand again. You’re almost home. You lose mommy’s hand. There’s a car that wants to get onto the street. Mommy tells you to cross. You don’t want to. Let’s wait for the car. Mommy grabs your hand again….You don’t even remember the pain. The guy who hit you is freaking out more than you are. You need to be with mommy again. You can’t walk. Mommy disappears. You’re in the ambulance. You saw it racing down the street, and now you get to go for a ride!

It’s not fun. It’s scary. They poke you. They rip your clothes off. You keep crying, wanting someone to listen. Mommy doesn’t come. What is everyone saying to you? You can’t understand.

***

She finally comes. Mommy takes you from the awful men in the ambulance. She carries you into the hospital. The blankets are warm there. You still can’t walk.
Chapter 8: Mommy gets sucked into the tire of a car. That’s the nightmare you have. You will never cross the street alone, and you always look both ways.

Chapter 9: You have two daddies now! One you just met in McDonald’s. He’s your real daddy. He’s with a blonde lady.

You have a playdate with real daddy in the building with pillars and cops. Mommy leaves you in a big white room with a big gray window. You play Battleship with real daddy! You hate this game. You don’t get it. The blonde lady comes in and talks to you. You don’t like her. She’s really annoying. She looks mean in her blue pant suit. But you’ll get to see real daddy again! He won a game against mommy. Now you can go to his house.

***

Mommy introduces you to another daddy. You know him from church. He’s fat. You carry the rings in his wedding with mommy. You call him “step daddy” now.

Chapter 10: Now you go to a new school. Public school was fun, but somehow this new school is supposed to be better. You’ll have to wear this awful uniform though, and go to church on a Friday. Yuck! But you learn to love it. They teach you cursive. You’re incredibly good at it! You take hours to do it; but as long as the others are happy, so are you. You’re apparently a good speller and drawer too! But, Spanish absolutely sucks. It’s stupid!...Step dad gets upset when you say “stupid,” so does real daddy….You live with step daddy and mommy now. You like the house. He has a cat and a dead dog. Mommy is really busy. You spend most of time with step daddy. You don’t think you like him. But you do love real daddy! You get to visit him every other weekend. He has a scary dog that likes to jump on you. Daddy lives in a trailer. It’s very very far away. It takes hours to get there. You have to take a ferry and drive forever. It’s a really small town full of nice old people. You make friends with daddy’s doctors at the clinic.

Chapter 11: Mommy sued that guy who hit you with his car. She says you weren’t able to walk for months, but you don’t think that’s true. She tells you to be quiet. You’re in a meeting with people in mean blue suits.

Chapter 12: Jesus has changed you. You don’t really know what you’ve done wrong. But you’re a sinner, and now you can go to heaven. You speak in tongues too! You’re tongue does this weird animal cat sound. Church is super fun. Everyone gets up and sings loudly and dances in the front. People fall over crying and shaking. Sometimes it’s scary, but you get used to it. Sometimes you fall over too, but sometimes it’s the preacher who pushes you over. Anyways, you get to travel to Portland for church meetings too! Some of the girls there are real bitches. You don’t know if that’s the word you should use, but it sure feels like it. You’ll ask Jesus for forgiveness later; but anyways, blondes seem mean.

Chapter 13: Boy Scouts is terrible. You don’t get along with those boys. They ditch you on Mount Rainier, and you have to walk all the way to camp by yourself. Step daddy forgot where you were. He didn’t know you were alone. You quit Boy Scouts after that.

Chapter 14: Real daddy got you some animals for his farm….You drowned some baby chicks….You thought they were ducks. You have a funeral for them. Daddy helps you bury many animals after that, including the goats that got killed by the mountain lion. So scary! Daddy laughs at you for thinking those chicks were ducks; you feel guilty....You build a house! You build your own room. You paint it and carpet it….There’s an ant problem.

Chapter 15: Private school feels like all there is. Every time you screw up, you repent right to Jesus. Jesus is the one who made you a good runner in track. People like you for that! But everything else is so awkward. You found a naked video in grandpa’s room. You’re a real sinner now, and you’ll go to hell unless you stop that thing that you do….No matter what, you think you’re a freak. No one else gets you, at all.
Chapter 16: You make a friend. Apparently he is as weird as you. But you like that. It’s nice not to feel alone. You make fun of everyone else for being nasty. You hide your rudeness in church and in front of the teachers. You kiss the teacher’s *sses, but they like it. And yes, you’re allowed to use the word “*ss” now because Jesus said it in the Bible. It’s your last year here. And then you’re a high-schooler! You want to go to a public school where everyone is excited to learn! You are an A student after all.

Chapter 17: Your dad acts very strange now. He has a really short temper. You fight all of the time. Your mother hardly talks to you unless it’s at church. Your step dad is nice. He’s gotten better; you sort of like him. You got into that advanced school! You’re quite intelligent! The other students are idiots though, some scary. Never went to school with an Indian person before….Anyways, still an A student!

Chapter 18: You lose your old school friends. You don’t have anything to say to them. People are spreading rumors that you’re a certain kind of sinner, a homosexual. No, you have a girlfriend. You could have sex with her if you wanted. Anyways, school sucks now. You would much rather be acting in a show. It has been so much fun. Your girlfriend was right. You belong in theatre! (That’s how you spell it, with a “re” since that’s the art form.) Your parents don’t force you to go to church anymore.

Chapter 19: Your ex-girlfriend hates you now….You thought you loved her. You told her the truth! You kissed a guy and you hate Jesus now. You guess that is a pretty big deal. Anyways, it’s very awkward since you are in the same shows with her.
Chapter 20: You have done so much theatre now. People think you’re really good! Your pride is bound to get hurt though. You hardly see your real dad anymore. Same with the parents you live with, but that’s because you keep yourself locked in your room. When it comes to your biological dad though, it’s because you hate the farm. You have terrible allergies there. The bathroom is an outhouse! It’s on a swamp! It’s awful! He won’t stop preaching at you for not going to church too. For not being a Christian. It’s incredibly stressful. But, things make sense now. That word you hear used to describe him explains it all. He’s bipolar. It never seemed more evident. He gets so mad. At night you find him looking at letters from your mom when they were engaged. You come into the kitchen. The trash is knocked over. There are ants crawling everywhere. The roof is leaking. He is only in his underwear. He looks back at you. His eyes make you freeze. They’re blue, but like a cougar’s eyes….You help him into his bed. You have a hard time going to sleep.

Chapter 21: You pack your stuff. You’re not coming back. You’ve talked to the nice ladies at the clinic, and they think it’s the right choice. You leave Quilcene for the last time. Dad doesn’t know it yet.

Chapter 22: You don’t see dad for a year. He never calls you. You never call him. He misses your show. He’s in a prison. He hurt some people in one of his episodes. You keep doing theatre. It makes you feel better. It’s one thing to focus on. Nothing matters except what’s happening onstage. By now your ex-girlfriend gets along with you; your ex-boyfriends not as much. Your parents don’t approve. Or at least they wouldn’t. You haven’t told mom in person yet. She might never find out. Your grades suck f**king *ss.

Chapter 23: You leave early morning. You haven’t listened to the voicemail yet. You’re about to get on the ferry to the hospital. You’ve brought your guitar as your dad requested. You’re gonna sing him that one song he likes. You receive another call. You were just about to get on the ferry. He’s gone.

Chapter 24: You bury your dad. He lied. He promised he would make it to your graduation, maybe your wedding. You visit a therapist. He says you’re handling things quiet well. He tells you that you’ve many things figured out and are handling this all appropriately and maturely. You cry only twice over this.

“Day after day. Give me clouds and rain and gray. Give me pain, if that’s what’s real. It’s the price we pay to feel. The price of love is loss, but still we pay. We love anyway.” “Light” from the musical Next To Normal. You don’t think the therapist has a clue. You might have pretty words and an optimistic view, but you still feel hopeless….You can’t live forever.

Chapter 25: Everything is alright. Maybe better than ever. You moved out of your parent’s house. Now have roommates and another ant problem. You have a great boyfriend. You still have nightmares about your dad, but you’re coming to terms with death…It’s no reason not to live. Graduation is around the corner. Eighteen years are summed up in twenty-five short chapters. It’s a “choose your own adventure story” now.