Numb

It felt as though I Was numb to the world, as everything was happening. It’s like I was a robot, no emotion as he beat and attempted to choke the life out of me.


And now I sit, bleeding, and clutching my stomach: I replay everything that had happened. “I’m pregnant” I say to him, thinking that he would be just as happy as I was. But he was the complete opposite, he looked at me trying to figure out if I was playing a joke on him or not. But I wasn’t so I dug into my pocketbook and found the pregnancy test that I had taken that morning, and the results of the pregnancy test I received from the gynecologist.


After I excitedly passed him the papers he just sat and looked at the papers, and sat, and looked at the papers, shook his head, sat some more and looked again at the papers. He looked up, disgustedly and with the sting of a whip “well who’s the father?” My smile faded … I had never gave him any reason to believe that I cheated on him. After that everything went blank and things got chaotic so fast. I remember him getting up and me thinking that he was coming to apologize for asking such a stupid question. But when he reached me, he began to choke me.


“Did you hear me? Who’s the father of this little bastard?” He let go of my neck and punched me in my stomach. “You are” I answer while still trying to catch my breath. He hit me again, and again. While he screamed things that I couldn’t even begin to understand. I couldn’t gather any of my thoughts, how could the best day and the worst day of my life happen within the same 24 hours? I woke up, got dressed for school, had a normal day during school, the only thing that was different was that I became nauseas during gym class. I was then sent to the nurse, and she asked me normal nurse questions, did I eat something that upset my stomach? What had I eaten? I told her there was nothing out of the ordinary that I ate, and that there is a possibility that I could be pregnant. She advised that I take an at home pregnancy test and if that turned up positive to go see a doctor just to make sure and the proper care that I need. I did just that.


Now as I’m being beaten, I am numb. Numb to the hits, numb to the time, numb to the world. My nose is bleeding and my face is tucked into my knees as I lie on the floor in the fetal position. Blow after blow it seems as though he’ll never get tired. I finally get the courage to look up and see his face, he’s crying. He catches my look and freezes. He stoops down and I flinch, I think that he’s going to hit me again. But he doesn’t he cradles my head and tells me that he’s sorry and that he’ll never hit me again. He helps lift me onto my feet, and I begin to feel the pain from where he’s hit me. He walks me into the bathroom, and helps clean me up. He runs me a nice hot bath and talks to me the entire time I’m in the tub. But I’m numb, how do I know if he’s truly sorry? If he’ll ever hit me again? I don’t even want to take that chance, but I love him. But if this is what love feels like, then I don’t want it. I argue with myself.


The world is going by and I can’t sleep, I just lay cuddled in his arms numb. He holds me tight and I don’t feel love, I feel as though I’m being strangled to death by an anaconda. I just can’t be comfortable in the arms of someone who nearly choked and beat me to death. How can you love me, and hurt me? After that he seemed happy about the baby: but 1 month into my 3rd trimester he came home drunk one night. Came into the bedroom and beat me again. And now I sit, bleeding and clutching my stomach . . .