Imperfection

Her curls bounced and her face beamed, her tiny shoes matched her tiny hands. Sand from the playground danced in her boots and discomfort was clear across her face. Her red dress and little brown boots stood out against the green swing set behind her. The way she looked up at her dad towering over her tiny body was full of admiration. The sun, beaming down on this childhood fairytale was equally as beautiful as the sight of her taking her daddy by the finger because her hand wasn’t big enough nor could it reach to grab his entire hand. The dad’s attention was clearly elsewhere when he was distracted by the charming little girl tugging his finger and pant leg simultaneously. The look on his face showed the relationship these two shared, the control this young daughter had over her daddy.

I wanted to run up to this girl and hug her. I wanted to tell her to enjoy it while she can. He’s going to let you down like everyone eventually will in this world. Don’t open up your heart and let him destroy you when you turn sixteen. But I didn’t. I remained on this park bench admiring that relationship I once had from a far. I remember when I thought daddy did no wrong. I remember when we would talk for hours learning life lessons upon life lessons. Well guess what sweetheart one-day daddy will teach you that him and everyone else in life is going to look you in the eye and screw you over. Angry and jealous as I was I realized I was taking out my anger on a four year old.

How come when Daddy told me what he had done and my world came crashing down, I had nothing to say? Why did I walk away without the answers I’m longing for now? I remember the days I used to hang on his every word, when I would ask him to answer any question that lingered in my head of curls. So now if you were here dad I would ask you, why? Why did you wait until I was 16 to ruin my life? Why is it that the only person you told me that would never let me down, did. Daddy I want you so much to come hold me like I was four again in my boots and red dress. I want you to tower over me and let me reach for your finger and receive your heart in return. Daddy I want you to tell me your going to make everything alright, but how can you, when you were the one to make everything wrong. Daddy I want you to turn my flashbacks into reality again. I re-surfaced from my ocean of memories by the smooth baritone of his voice.

“I should have guessed I’d find you here, kid” That voice, that voice that used to bring me so much comfort now just makes my face feel hot. My arms stayed crossed like that sassy four-year old child I was deep down. I wondered if he felt as nostalgic about this place as I did. His hair was a lot darker back then, he was thinner too, for the first time I was seeing my father as the old man he now was.

“What I did was wrong, for what it’s worth,” He almost seemed as uncomfortable as me, “I’m not going to stand here and give you excuses, I’ve let you let down as a dad and I hope that what I’ve done doesn’t draw you towards a man that is going to do the same thing to you as I did to your mother.” He sighed I could see tears in his eyes, something no daddy’s girl wants to see. “I’m sorry.” He betrayed me. He didn’t just cheat on my mom he cheated my trust. And now he’s giving me an apology.

“Okay.” Did that really just come out of my mouth? ‘Okay’ was all I could come up with?

“Alright.” He said, awkward and uncomfortable, turning his shoulders to the swing set where we played so many times. Our body language was different than usual, we were acting like strangers, and all at once I saw what my dad really was. Imperfect.