Danielle sat in the dim-lighting of her small apartment. Empty Kleenex boxes occupied the trash bins, used tissues littered the shaggy brown carpet, and half-eaten Chinese takeout slowly rotted on the kitchen counter. Danielle lay curled up under a floral comforter on a makeshift bed on the couch. Images of Jeopardy flashes across the T.V. screen but the sound was set to a low mumble.
Danielle had her knees pulled near her chest. Her eyes were still red and face blotchy from her tear-stained days. Danielle hadn’t left the confines of her apartment for weeks, has not showered for days, and cannot remember which day she ordered the takeout. The days were a blur of the same routine: eat, cry and sleep. She scrunched her nose as she heard a couple of loud flies buzzing around the takeout food.
The phone began to ring. Danielle shut her eyes tightly and covered her face with the comforter. She wished the world would just disappear and that she would be left alone.
The answering machine picked up. Beep. “Hey baby, it’s mom. Your boss called me and said she hasn’t seen you in a while. She knows you’re going through a rough time. She said she will have Ray cover your shifts… We all love you, Danielle. I’m coming over tomorrow to check in on you. I’ll bring breakfast. Alright, so, love you. Bye.” Click.
Danielle’s eyes snapped open. Tomorrow? What day is it? She slowly patted down her disheveled hair. She looked around her apartment blankly. It was in a neglectful, messy shamble. Sighing, she rubbed her agitated eyes. She can’t have her apartment look like this if her mother was paying her a visit. She deleted the message on the phone and started to gradually make her way around her apartment. She felt heavy and tired; she just wanted to be left alone to wallow in her loss. She picked up all the used tissue and garbage scattered around the house, throwing it in the trashcan along with the takeout. Then she put the full garbage bags out on the apartment porch, not even glancing at the dead pot of daisies. She quickly put the dishes in the dishwasher and turned it on before grabbing a change of sweats and stepping into the shower. She cried to her heart’s content in the steam.
When Danielle got out she unloaded the dishwasher and put everything back into the cabinets. She paused as she spotted a wine bottle. Angrily she yanked it out of the cabinet, hastily pulling the cap off and pouring it down the sink.
“Why?!” she screeched exasperatedly. She grabbed another wine bottle and slammed it in the sink; it clattered into glass shards. “Everything was so perfect! I can’t do this alone… I can’t do this alone…” she kept murmuring in sorrow. Danielle sank to her knees and began to weep as she clutched her stomach with a bleeding hand. “I can’t do this alone…”
Danielle sat there sobbing for a long time. When she felt that her tear wells were dry from use, she picked herself up and cleaned up her hand and the glass in the sink. Then she crawled into her bed and never felt so alone. She asked to be alone, but this was not what she wanted. She didn’t think it would be so hard.
The following morning Danielle awakened to the sound of her doorbell ringing and a chorus of light raps on her door. “Who is that? Oh, mom…” She scrambled up and made her way to the door. When Danielle opened the door her mom strode in and scanned her living environment.
“Hey, I hope you like French toast,” her mom announced cheerily. Her mom knew that was her favorite. She put the breakfast takeout on the kitchen table nook and then waddled to the fridge. “It’s near empty,” she said as she opened the fridge. “I’ll pay a trip to the grocery store for you later. Sit down, let’s talk.” Danielle stared blankly and slowly made her way to the chair. She sunk into it, aware that her mom hasn’t quite taken a look at her yet. Her mom turned around from the drawer and dropped the forks. “Danielle! You cut your hair!” she gasped. She picked up the forks and wiped them off on her shirt. “Why did you do that?”
“I wanted to,” Danielle replied. Her hair used to go halfway down her back, and now it was a sloppy bob. “Mom…” Danielle’s voice started to break. “I can’t do this,” she sobbed.
Her mom rushed over. “Sh, what now? What can’t you do honey?”
“Mom, he’s gone…”
“I know, baby, I know. Listen, it’s not the end of the world. I get that he was your boyfriend but-”
“Mom, we were going to get married,” she paused as her voice broke again. She took a deep breath. “We were waiting to tell everyone. And now Josh is gone. He’s dead.”
“Oh, baby! Why didn’t you tell us, honey?” Danielle’s mom began to hug her daughter tightly, rocking both of them back and forth. “Everything’s going to be okay. Everyone loves you so much. We’ll make it and things will return back to normal, you’ll see.”
Danielle began to sob uncontrollably. “Mom! I can’t…. I can’t do this. I’m pregnant. He’s gone, he’s gone…”
“What honey? Oh lord… Danielle. I’m so sorry. We’ll make it through things. We always manage. We’ll all be there to help you and the baby.”
“No, mom,” Danielle said. Her voice sounded small and hollow. “I’m not keeping it. I can’t do this. I can’t do this without him.”
Her mom stopped rocking her back and forth with her embrace. “What?”
“I can’t keep it. Not while the father is dead. I can’t raise the child and be reminded of the loss for the rest of my life. I’m not keeping the baby.”
They ate breakfast in near silence. Danielle’s mother kept glancing at her with sad smiles and asking “Are you sure?” In the end Danielle’s mom left with a lost battle. Exhausted, Danielle climbed into bed and fell asleep until late in the evening. She awoke to a flurry of beeping from her cell phone on the bedside table. She glanced at it and saw one text message:
12.21am: Danielle, I love you so much and miss you. I think of you and watch over you as you struggle. I’m so sorry I left early. I want you to know, whatever you decide to do with the baby, I support it. If it causes you more grief, I will watch over her in heaven. Try and move on with your life and live happy. I love you for eternity. –Josh
Tears streamed down Danielle’s face. She felt her insides warm with the presence of his love. “Josh, if you can hear me, I love you too…I know you will be with me always and that I can do this.” She smiled breathlessly and began to rub her stomach. “I’ll keep her until it is my time to go and meet you. I can do this.”