It’s a paralyzing fear when you are shaken awake at 2:30 a.m by nervous, uneasy hands. Its a shocking realization when you remember someone is in the hospital.


The voices blur together at that time, each one searing a cut through you heart. Each peeling a layer of innocence away with every word.


"We have to go!" the frantic voice quivered, full of anger, confusion and utter fright.


Crusty eyes were wiped clean, bodies moved about, and chaos sprung. The dash to get out as soon as possible left us with the inevitable feelings of resentment and longing. Resentment for the loss of the simple class we used to call life. Longing for a day full of happiness and smiles.


Clothes and voices were thrown across the room, panicked breaths were taken heavily.


"He's waiting! We have to leave! We have to see him," the voice pleading, all of her usual authority and confidence left behind in her sleep.


Throwing on whatever we could find, and wiping the tears from our eyes that had already begun, we shook off the sleep that cloaked us. Sleep was not as important now. Nothing else was.


Time stood still, as a matter of minutes felt like seconds. As we left the warm comfort of the home, entering the brutal, unforgiving chill of an October dawn, every step became a climb.


The ignition started up, our hearts pumping as fast as the engine stirred. Stepping on the pedal, she sped out of the driveway, her nervous hands trying to be steady.


The biting chill was numbing, but we couldn't feel a thing. Tears froze and fell along our cheeks as we muttered hopeless nothings to ourselves.


Hold on, we are coming!


Please! Please, don't leave us.


Goosebumps coated my arms, my body shaking and shivering. The thin, pink sweater that was thrown on served as no sense of warmth.


The drive that usually takes five minutes, felt like an eternity, dragging on, the anxiety building up to a breaking point. Realization set in deeper now.


As the blinding light of the hospital came into view, almost all tears stopped. They were replaced by an antagonizing, rapid heart beat that crushed every part of us. All emotion left our minds and thoughts. Only one thing remained. Fear. Complete and utter, unhinging fear.


When we step out of that car, what's going to happen?


They say not knowing can sometimes be better than the truth, but at that very moment, all we wanted was the truth and the answers.


Is this really it? After all of this, he left us?


Denial ran through our thoughts, our minds pleading for this not to be true. We prayed to wake up from this terrible nightmare, but that was just the thing. It wasn't a dream. It wasn't a nightmare. It was reality. The one thing I had feared for as long as I can remember, was happening.


Running in a frightened panic to the doors, tears blurred our vision. The sliding doors opened rapidly as we stormed through, heart beats rising with each step.

A figure appeared through the long hallway in front of us. Chills spread across as the anticipated was happening. Sadness enveloped her expression, and words struggled to pour out.


From behind me a voice broke out through tears. "We are here now. It's okay we are here, and everything will be better."


She responded distinctly but with a sense of agony and pain as she said three simple words. "It's too late."


And just like that, my whole world seemed to crumble. Everything fell apart and life seemed to lack purpose for that moment. Loud cries and shrieks of distress and angst came from those surrounding me.


Murmurs of "No" and "It's not true" spread through the hallway of denial.

A faint ring rippled through the small corridor and I felt my heart skip a beat.


In a whisper, I heard the words "Declare it. Time of death, 3:05."

The breaking point hit as emotions and the pain could no longer be controlled. My body hit the wall and I could feel myself roll down to the floor. Tears flowed profusely and nothing stopped them. Hope seemed to dissipate around me and nothing else seemed to exist. I felt a pat on my back and a soothing voice helping me up to my feet.


"No!" I screamed, "I can't do this. Th-this isn't happening." I was guided through the hallway following in the footsteps of my grieving family. Every movement seemed sluggish and unimportant. Even if we walked at the pace of a snail, inevitably we would reach there and claim defeat.


Death had finally made the mark on my life. After years of praying that I would never experience anything like this, death decided that this was it. It was time to take away a piece of my life and my family.


As we reached the doors to the Intensive Care Unit, my legs seemed to give away and I barely made it to the waiting room's couch. My breathing became rapid and my eyes began to sting with pain.


Looking out the window, to the open, beautiful night sky, all seemed at peace out there. But inside the hospital, absolute turmoil was taking place.


Muttering to myself, "This is all just a terrible nightmare. We will wake up and it will all be okay. Ev-everything will go back to normal. R-right?" I trembled with each word.



Thinking about what I would see when I pass through the ICU doors sent an electric shock up my spine. Nothing about this seemed real. I prayed to wake up from this nightmare.


The shrill horn of the early morning trains is what kept reality close. This wasn't a dream or even a figment of my imagination.



He was really gone. No longer could we see that strong smile on his face. Never again will we hear that youthful laughter that rang out through the house. Our lives would be void of the humorous jokes and stories that he always held and spoke every time we saw him.

Suddenly, I was filled with immense regret. Why didn’t I value all the time I had with him? He’s gone now, and I can’t do anything.

For each special memory, I shed a tear.
After that, every moment began to blur together.
Condolences and hugs.
“I’m sorry for the loss of your grandfather,”. Those words spoken over and over again. Each time, it felt as if I was falling deeper into a pit of destruction.
Pictures displaying memories that will never be forgotten.
The sickly sweet smell of flowers at a funeral home.
A chemically induced aroma spreading through the air.
With each minute, hour and day that passed, life seemed to drag on.
The pain fades, but the memory will never leave my mind.
Never can I ever forget that night. The night that I was woken up at 2:30 a.m. The night where the worst that could happen, happened. The night that changed my life forever.