Holding on and Letting go
The day started off just like any other I woke up, took a shower, got dressed, and went downstairs to eat breakfast. “Hey Katie, are you excited about the first day of school?” my little sister Emmi asked me as I poured milk into my bowl. You see, today is Emmi’s first day of second grade and she’s been counting down the days until school would start meanwhile, I’ve been dreading this day for the last few weeks. In school I’m not the popular one, I only have one person I really talk to and usually I just keep to myself and read books. Last year people would always pick on me because I’m as they would call it “teacher’s pet” I never get in trouble, I always do my work and I’m actually nice and respect the teachers.  “Yeah, are you excited for your first day of second grade?” I asked her while sitting down and eating my cereal. “I am, I got my bag all packed and daddy made me lunch!” she said while jumping up and down in her seat. My parents got divorced when I was fourteen and Emmi was four, ever since then we only see her once every couple of years. When my mom left my dad had to take responsibilities of both parents. I always try and help whenever I can like picking Emmi up from school, cooking dinner, doing laundry, and sometimes I’ll go to the grocery store. I finally finished eating so I got up and rinsed my bowl in the sink, right as I turned around my dad walked in. “Good morning, how are you feeling this morning?” he asked as he hugged me and walked over to grab an apple. “I’m good, I’m not that excited for the first day of school” I replied as I put my shoes on. “Come on Katie it’s your last year, no more school after this, well until college” he said giving me a smile. Grabbing Emmi’s bag my dad looked over at Emmi and said “Alright squirt lets go to school” she was halfway out the door by the time he finished his sentence. “Okay, I’m going to take Emmi to school and then head to work, I love you have a good first day” He said as he moved toward the door. I watched TV for a few minutes before it was time for me to leave and go to school.
I pulled into the school parking lot and parked next to my friend Ashley’s’ car. “Hey Katie!” Ashley yelled while running over and giving me a hug. “Hey Ashley, you know we just saw each other a few days ago you don’t have to suffocate me” I said while patting her back, she let me go and replied, “So? I missed you, we’re going to have the best year. Did you know I’m going to try out for cheerleading? I want this to be the year I get in with the popular crowd” she babbled on. We walked up to the school and got our class schedules from the tables set up in the cafeteria. “Let me see your schedule” Ashley said excitedly reaching for my schedule in my hand. I gave her my schedule and waited to see what classes we have together. “We have all classes together except for gym” She said while handing me back my schedule. “Well at least we have all our other classes together” I said while pulling my bag onto my shoulder.
After school, I said goodbye to Ashley and left to go pick up Emmi. I pulled up to the elementary school and waited for her. “Hey Katie!” Emmi exclaimed as she jumped into the car. “Hey Emmi, how was school?” I asked as she buckled up and I started to drive home. She looked over at me with her big blue eyes filled with happiness “It was amazing! I made two new friends and my teacher is really nice, she gave us snacks” She replied happily bouncing in her seat. We got home and Emmi immediately ran into the house to tell dad about her day. As I was walking up the steps to the house I started to feel a little light-headed so I grabbed onto the railing and set down for a minute hoping it would go away. “Katie are you alright?” my dad asked as he sat beside me and put an arm around my shoulder. “Yeah dad, I’m fine just wanted to sit down for a minute” I replied, there was no need to worry him when it was probably just because I hadn’t eaten since breakfast.  I finally stood up when my light-headedness went away and went inside to help make dinner.
The first week went by really fast and without any problems, except for the fact that every day I’ve been getting these really bad headaches that take forever to go away. I walked into my house, set my bag on the table, and laid down on the couch hoping that my headache would go away soon. I must’ve fallen asleep because the next thing I know I’m being poked in the face. “Katie wake up, you said we were going to watch Frozen tonight” Emmi said while poking my cheek. I sat up and rubbed my eyes “Go get something comfortable on and I’ll get the movie and popcorn ready” I said while stretching out my arms. Emmi shouted “Okay!” and then ran upstairs while I went to kitchen to get the popcorn ready. I put the popcorn in the microwave and left to go find the movie. I put the movie in the DVD player, put the popcorn in a bowl, and set up pillows and blankets on the living room floor in front of the TV. I went upstairs to change into comfy clothes and when I got downstairs we started the movie. The night consisted of us singing along to all the songs very loudly, Dad had to come down more than 6 times to tell us to be quiet. After the movie was over Emmi and I just laid on the floor talking about random things. “Hey Katie?” Emmi whispered rolling on her side so we were face to face. “I like it when we hang out together and watch movies” she said while yawning. “I like it to Em, how about we do this every Friday night we’ll make it our tradition” I replied. “You promise every Friday night we will, even if Ashley wants to hang out with you?” she asked, “I promise Emmi, every Friday night” I replied.
I woke up the next morning tangled In blankets on the floor. I sat up and realized Emmi was gone. I stood up and stretched then walked to the kitchen. “Morning Katie” my dad said as I sat down at the kitchen table. “Morning Dad, where is Emmi?” I asked as I looked around. “She’s at gymnastics, do you want some pancakes?” he asked he lifted up the pan. “Sure, thank you” I said as he gave me a plate with pancakes and bacon on it. After I finished eating I cleaned my plate off and put it in the dishwasher. “So what are your plans for today” my dad asked as I sat back down in across from him. “I don’t really have any, I’ll probably just stay here” I replied. “Well how about we go do something, I have a surprise for you” he said as he got up and washed his plate off. “What kind of surprise?” I asked looking at him curiously. “If I told you it wouldn’t be a surprise now would it? Now go get dressed so we can go.”
Once we were dresses we got in the car and started driving. We’d been driving for at least an hour when we pulled up to a house. “Here we are” my dad said as he pulled the keys out of the ignition. He got out of the car and I followed his lead, because I honestly don’t know where we are. We walked up to the front door and my dad knocked. We stood there for a few minutes until the door opened and revealed a petite old lady. “Hello there, you must be the Hamilton family” she said looking at us through her rounded glasses. “Yes ma’am, I’m John and this is my daughter Katie” My dad said while shaking the woman’s hand. “Well it is lovely to meet y’all, please come in, my name is Martha by the way” she said as she motioned us inside the house. We walked into the house and there were dogs everywhere. “Follow me please, the puppies are this way” Martha said as she started to move down the hallway. “Puppies?” I asked my dad as we started to follow her, my dad looked at me with a smile and replied, “This is your surprise, after your mom left you are always helping take care if Emmi and even me so I thought you deserved a present.” We walked into the room and it was completely full of puppies I felt like I’d died and gone to heaven. “You can pick whichever one you want” My dad said and then went to talk to Martha. I was looking around when I saw her, a little black lab puppy. I went over and picked her up and immediately she started licking my face. “Dad, I think I found the one I want” I said walking over to my dad and Martha. My dad paid for the puppy and we said our goodbyes to Martha. “So what’re you going to name her?” my dad asked turning down the radio volume. “I was thinking Lizzie” I replied while petting Lizzie’s soft fur. We fell back into a silence and my dad turned the radio up again. When we were almost home I started to get a really bad headache again so I laid my head against the window hoping the coolness of it would help.
When we got home I told my dad I wasn’t feeling very well and brought Lizzie in my room so we could take a nap. As I entered my room I shut the door, too my shoes off, and laid in bed with Lizzie curled up by my side. A couple hours later I woke up to my dad telling me that he was going to go get Emmi from gym and should be back soon. I noticed my headache had gotten worse so I went downstairs to the kitchen to get some Advil. Lizzie followed me down and stayed by my legs the entire time. I went to walk to the living room but as soon as I took a step Lizzie started whining and walking in circles around me. “What’s wrong Lizzie?” I asked as I kneeled down to pet her head, she continued to whine and started pawing at me. I didn’t know what was wrong with her so I moved to the backdoor to let her outside and the next thing I know is my vision goes black and I’m falling to the floor.
I woke up and realized that I must not be in my room because the bed I was laying on wasn’t as comfortable as mine. I opened my eyes and noticed I was in a hospital room hooked up to a heart monitor and an IV. I looked over to my right and saw my dad sitting in a chair reading a book. “I didn’t know you read books dad” I said with a raspy voice, he looked up and not a second later he was giving me a hug. “You don’t know how worried I was Katie” he said while hugging me tighter. “What happened?” I asked as he let me go. “Emmi and I got home and she ran into the house excited to tell you all about gym. I was getting her stuff out of the car when she ran outside crying saying you were on the kitchen floor and you wouldn’t wake up. So I ran inside and called 911. When we arrived here they checked you into a room and took some tests and some x-rays, they should be back with the results soon” he replied looking at the clock anxiously.
We sat there talking for a while and eventually we turned on the TV they had in the room. “Where is Emmi at if you’re here?” I asked while flipping through the channels not finding anything to watch. “I asked the neighbors to watch her until I get back” he replied. I finally found something to watch on TV but I couldn’t focus on it. In all honesty I’m nervous about what the doctor will say, like what if it’s-. Before I could finish my thought the door opened and in walked a doctor who looked to be in his mid-forties. “Hello Katie, I’m doctor Roberts” he said while shaking my hand “I’ll be your doctor while you’re here, now that you’re awake we can take some more tests and figure out what happened.”
A few hours later I was finished with the tests and was moved back into my room. They told me that they wouldn’t know the results until the morning so I was left anxiously waiting. My dad left to go and get some clothes for the night so I wouldn’t be all alone. It was around midnight when I was finally able to get to sleep and even then I woke up every hour I’m guessing due to the annoying beeping coming from the monitors. I woke up the next morning and was served some breakfast, which by the way hospital food is not as bad as some people say that also could be due to the fact I hadn’t eaten in a while. About thirty minutes after I’d eaten the doctor walked through the door with a clipboard. “Good morning, we got the test results back and we’ve found out what has been causing you headaches” the look on his face told me it wasn’t going to be good news, my dad must’ve noticed the look on his face as well because he moved over to me and held my hand. “I am very sorry to tell you that we have found a cancerous tumor on the left side of your brain. Now usually we would put you on chemo to shrink the tumor and go in and take it out, but in your case the tumor is very large and is sitting on a very important part of the brain so it is inoperable. We can still put you through chemo and see if it shrinks the tumor but it is very unlikely.” I sat there for a few moments trying to comprehend what he just told me as my dad sat beside me with tears coming down his cheeks. “Am I going to die?” I asked looking up at the doctor, he gave me a sad look and said, “We’re going to try to do everything we can to get rid of the tumor” he let out a sigh and continued “but if the tumor won’t shrink or it grows any bigger than most likely you won’t have very long.”
It had been six months since that day in the hospital and my days were numbered. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and he told me that my tumor wasn’t shrinking, it was actually growing bigger. Doctor Roberts said I only have a month tops until the pressure of the tumor becomes to much for my brain to handle. I made sure to keep my promise to Emmi, every Friday night we watch a movie even though I usually fall asleep during it. Ashley apparently made it into the popular group so she doesn’t talk to me anymore. I can tell its getting closer to the end, I’ve been getting really bad headaches again. I’m terrified of dying, of leaving my family, of going into the unknown. I’m scared that I’ll never see my family again, that my sister will forget me, and most of all I’m scared of what me dying will do to my dad. Ever since I got back from the hospital I can see the sadness in his eyes. I don’t want to leave, I have so much more that I need to do and see in the world. I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything in the 17 short years I’ve been here on this earth.
The past few days Lizzie has been by my side and every once in a while she’ll whine and paw at me, I think she knows something’s wrong just like she did that day in the kitchen. I was laying on the couch in the living room watching TV with my dad and Emmi when I started feeling really bad. I quit chemo awhile ago because it wasn’t doing anything it just made me feel gross, Dr. Roberts said It would give me more time but I don’t want to spend the limited time I have tired and sick to my stomach. I tried to change my position on the couh hoping that would help but it didn’t. “Are you okay Katie?” my dad asked but halfway through the question I bolted to the bathroom. As soon as I got there I started throwing up blood. My dad came in a few seconds later and immediately picked me up and started running to the door telling Emmi to meet us in the car. As soon as Emmi got in the car my dad started driving to the hospital while I was feeling worse by the second.
We arrived at the hospital not even 10 minutes later and I was immediately taken back to a room and hooked to an IV and heart monitor. When I got back I noticed Emmi was asleep with tear stains on her face, I also noticed another figure in the room I never thought I’d see. “Mom? What’re you doing here?” I asked as the nurse made sure all the monitors were working. “I came here to see you and say I’m sorry for not being here for the past four years. I know I haven’t been the best mother but I want to make it up to you” she said. “I’m glad you’re here now and you’re wanting to make up the 4 years you weren’t here, but it’s a little to late for me. I’m going to die any day now and you cant make up 4 years in the amount of time I have left. I’m not trying to sound mean or anything but it’s the truth. You still have time to make it up with Emmi, she needs a mom especially now. Spend time with her and watch her grow into the amazing woman I know she’ll be, heaven knows I wish I could. These past few months have made me realize how valuable time is, time is limited don’t waste a second of it” I said to my mom with tears going down both our cheeks. “It’s to late for me, the clock I ticking down the minutes. Don’t be too late for Emmi. I love you and I want you to know I forgive you for everything” I added and then hugged my mom for the last time.
That night, at 11 pm I took my very last breath. I may not have accomplished or seen much in my 17 years, but I swear I lived.