Lonesome. That's the word I would describe myself with if I could mark off all the other flaws I have. Even as I sit here, in the hallway of my high school, packed with different clubs and other activities, I still feel lonely. After not texting my ride by accident and my mom stating once again that "she" isn't going to get all worried about picking me up, I just had about enough of everything.

You know, it's sad when your own mother can't detect the constant sadness that lies behind you, even though she's suppose to know everything. Me having a hard mom, doesn't make things easier. I constantly have to hide every emotion because I know that I even show even a quarter of my real emotions towards my mom, it's not like it would matter. Maybe that's why I don't cry anymore. Why cry about something when no one cares about the tears that are being shed. Why say you're sad when absolutely no one can relate to how you feel inside but God and Jesus.  What sucks about being fifteen is that every you do seems to be dramatic to all adult figures around the world.

It becomes hard sometimes to not want to burn myself. Imagine if I told my mom that. I snort. 'Please, she'd would just say that I want attention, and disregard the whole situation, or tell me I have an attitude' I thought. So either way, expressing emotions is out of the question. If I had more time, I probably would burn. More time at home, I mean. Maybe that's the reason God didn't want me to go home. Because I really would've heated the spoon to put in the microwave and burn myself.

Correct if I'm wrong, but why would my mom care of I got hurt and died? Just yesterday, she got mad that I didn't turn off the alarm and said how it was stupid that I didn't turn off the alarm, and that SHE was taking a test. Then today it was about her again. Then I'm suppose to sit here, help break more pieces to my shattered being and be okay with it? NO!  I am so sick of knowing that no one cares for me, but God and Jesus. Every day it's a new thing with my mom. "I do this, I do that". When is the last time she's ever been concerned about my feelings, let alone me wanting to burn everyday. She has no idea how many times I wanted to cry and just let go, but can't because she won't give a crap. I know she won't. Look at the past three years if my depression. Nothing's changed.

It's ok though. When I'm able to shut out my feelings, and show then towards God and Jesus one and my friends, then it'll be worth it.

I'm used to falling apart.