PARTI

Dear diary,
    That conversation just— it didn't even feel like one. His words... His tone... He kept repeating  “ You’re cheating yourself!, you’re a liar!, something’s are just too hard for people like you...you can’t do anything!” His words just haunted me. The worst part, 24/7, constantly I feel like there are stones being pelted at my heart and they just remain stuck there. Torturing me. I’m only physically living, but with a monster inside my brain.

I look back and think about everything, everything that’s happened  it replays. It replays in my head and gosh, the one place I wish I could escape, I can’t. My gran once told me that, “ livin’ in your head is a bad idea it always shows you the worst of everything”.  She’s right, it’s a very dismal stormy puzzle up here. I don’t get it— I feel like it’s for a dumb reason. Well... one big dumb reason, and the rest — I don't know.
I don’t know, I don’t know I don’t know!!
All I think about is how some people just don't understand what real success is.  That there are people that don’t understand what trying the best that you can is. I get it, maybe somethings come out of someone's mouth just in a bad moment and they don’t mean it, but when you just end up feeling like you aren't good enough, other feelings take over I guess, and I guess for some people, more bad is in their fate then good, but I shouldn’t complain,  after all, someone very close to me, maybe the only person who has always been positive in my life that hasn’t — and isn’t— oh forget it. Anyway...this person, she always said to rewrite the bad parts of my life and make them positive and begin again but its been kind of hard this past year. Again, sometimes bad feelings...negativity, negative thoughts and feelings just kind of stick at times I guess. They become hard to shake— sometimes you learn to let those feelings go and when they don’t wanna go, you just..surrender...

With those  feelings, the good the valuable things kind of smother up into a cloud and roar to come out and sooner or later, they lose the ability to scream any longer and sit trapped like a caged baby bird that sings— and can no longer sing. I don’t know... I want that bird, the value to sing again. I want — never mind. I don’t have time to think about all this anyway. Mom isn’t doing very well. She’s been in and out of the hospital since dad—

Anyway, with mom barely around and dad —I’m trying to distract myself with the fact that aunt and uncle Heart are here staying with me all the way from Maine. It’s less lonely—even though uncle Lennon can get on my nerves, I just think at least the house hasn’t been as barren and scarcely mute as it used to be. Plus I’ve got aunt Destiny, the best part about uncle the  family time. It makes the company just that much sweeter even with the bitter part of it.
Hopefully I can continue to not think about anything else. Especially keeping away from the fact that I applied to NYU, as only a junior, for its arts program. I’m thrilled— its astonishing that I’m only a junior and my counselors and teachers had me apply this early. Except, uncle Len — good thing I’m trying not to think about all this. Who knows what’ll happen. I might, might not get in. He might find out —

It’s just  not the time to think about all this.

“Rise and shine Ads honey”, aunt Destiny whispered in my ear.

I slowly opened my eyes and woke to aunt D’s sparkly blue eyes, peachy smooth skin, and her big bright smile.
“Good morning aunt D,” I said in a soft cheery tone.

“Aww hey, you made dad’s special tea,” I said in a scratchy hushed tone.

“ Yeah, I thought it might be a good way for you start your day with a smile," “ I know how much you loved it when your dad made it so you could wake up to the sweet smell of warm sweet lemon tea, "she added as she walked over to my smooth cream colored study table.

“Well, you were right, as always aunt D” I said still smiling. Then she continued now in a curious tone, “ Adi were you up all night writing again?”

I shrunk into my bed sheets wondering if she only skimmed it. She didn't mention NYU. And then still curled up with only my eyes peeking out I in a light tone replied, “yeah”.

She was referring to the entry I wrote in my journal about the endless thoughts in my head and uncle Len and mom being sick.

“Aww sweetie, why didn’t you talk to me?” She said walking back now with my black leather skin journal in her hand.
She slipped off her furry baby blue slippers and slid in next to me in my cushioned  golden yellow bed sheets.

“ Well then why didn’t you Ads? And you know Lenny, he’s a tough cookie, but he loves us all” she said. “ I know, I love him more than he knows, trust me. He just frustrates me with all the numbers talk” I replied.

Aunt D grabbed my hands and gently smoothed them into hers. Her skin was always a cozy kind of warm. As warm as her heart. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like without her— I don’t think I could ever live without her.

For a while aunt Destiny didn't say anything. She just sat there. Next to me. Still smiling. As she looked out ahead of her at the foot of my bed, I slowly untangled my fingers from hers. I sat up and leaned my head on her shoulder. She was still facing towards the foot of my bed. It seemed as if she was taken by the rose patterned pink quilt my grandma Ada made for me when I was a baby. After 15 straight minutes of soothing silence, I noticed tears flooded aunt D's eyes.
I finally asked " hey aunt Des, are you ok?".
Startled she said, "oh what yeah I'm fine., she replied wiping away the tears in her eyes.She continued,“You scared me”.
I wrapped my arms around her super tight.

“ I miss her too. She’s always with us,” I said feeling choked.

I knew I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. For aunt Destiny.
Softly smiling, her face glistening from her tears,and her palm pressed firmly against her chest, aunt D responded,”in our hearts.” She was now clutching my hand, with her head resting on mine.

Aunt Destiny took a deep heavy breath in and released it as if she felt gran Ada inside her.I felt like grandma Ada was with me all the time. Aunt Des smiled and said “Now what were we talking about?"

"My journal" I said.

" Oh yeah" she said as she picked up my journal from her lap and began reading again.

She lifted her eyes from the slightly burned ink dried page and looked at me ,"Oh hun I'm glad  that you do love Lenny but you still could have talked to me about all this. I had no idea you were feeling this way ," she said.

“You seriously should have at least talked to me” she repeated in a low, distressed tone.

"I know but it just didn't seem like the time with mom's condition and everyone a little tense. I just wanted everyone to at least get some family time and get away from all the baggage for once. I didn't want to ruin all the fun we were all having after a long time" I said assuringly.

Aunt Destiny kissed my forehead and said, "My brave little soldier. I'm so proud of you.You know, life is tough but you're tougher and things always get better” she said as she squeezed my hand tighter.

I chuckled and responded, “You always say that”.

“I always do. I also always say that whenever it feels like the end?” she asked.
“Life’s a story” I said.   And there’s always another chapter, a new beginning.” she continued.

I was smiling bigger and brighter than I  ever have in the past two years.I settled my head comfortably on my brown headboard and faced aunt D.

“And we have to stay strong for mom and for uncle Len. They’re all we have left. Plus we have each other” I said gently placing my hand on the warm blanket where I could feel her hand through.

I continued, “  You’re right you know. About uncle Lennon. He’s just a tough cookie with a soft heart.” I said.
“Now that’s a true Heart right there. I agree, lets think so positive that there’s enough strength for Halona and Len. And your gran Ada and grandpa Aaron. His name even means strength you know. He’s with grandma. Watching us right now.Gosh you are a special gem and you don’t even realize that do you” she said.

“I love you," I replied.

"I love you too Adi,” said aunt D.

It was as if the voices in my head had quieted down.

Then, in an epiphany I lurched up from my headboard and asked, "Hey aunt D, was there anything in the mail for me?"

All of a sudden my head felt heavy and it was as if there was a rock pounding around in my stomach.

" Oh yeah! It came in at 7 o'clock this morning", said aunt D enthusiastically.

" There's a few things from...." she said squinted at the big yellow package.

" NYU?!" I interrupted feeling a bit jumpy.

"Yes" aunt D replied.

I grabbed the package from aunt D's tender hands. My hands and body jittery I ripped the package open. The letter read in big bold letters: CONGRATULATIONS.

My heart was pounding right out of my chest. All I could see was  the honey golden rays of the sun lighting up my room. Hitting every corner of it.
In astound merry all that I could make out in word form was " Yes!"

Sounding both amused and confused at the same time  aunt D spoke,"What Ads?"

Tears began streaming down my face still stumped with my words,  all that came out of my mouth was," Ahuh.."

I handed her the package with the decorative blue and white flowery border on top.

" Congratulations Miss Heart you have been accepted to NYU's liberal arts program consisting of dance, visual arts,and your major consisting of drama and music ie musical theater!", read aunt D.

She grabbed my right shoulder and shook it strongly
"Yeeees girl you did it!"

I had never heard aunt D speak like that before.

"Adi just dropped a big Heart bomb on the world!", said aunt D with her fist in the air.
I turned my head to face aunt D.
I smirked and my right eyebrow was up as I said," Uuuhh aunt Des you ok?"

She moved her back off my headboard and sat up next to me.

As if she was hitting a hand ball aunt D snapped her hand, "Pfft, oh let me be proud" said aunt D now in her more usual yet still please tone.

I took a deep breath and replied with my hand on my chest, "Wooh good you weren't abducted by teenage extraterrestrials".

Aunt D nudged me gently again on my right shoulder.

"Ughh obviously not sheesh I'm fine and just really proud", she said in a slightly gigley tone. 

PARTII

“Now down to business.” said Aunt D.

I always find it funny whenever aunt D gets “serious”. It’s funny to me.
Aunt D suddenly removed my cushioned blanket from her legs and slipped out of my bed.Aunt Destiny’s attention was now again on my journal. 

Still looking at the journal she said, “What’s all this liar and cheater business hmm? who's been calling Adi Heart a cheater? And who the hell had the damn screwed up piece of mind  to say she’s a freakin’ liar!?” aunt D began to shout at the top of her lungs.

I quickly then removed my blanket off my legs and stood up as well.

“Calm down aunt D you’ll wake uncle Len” I said in a hushed yet loud enough tone.

“ I can’t! I wanna know Adi who the hell was it?!” she snapped.

“Ok ok! It was uncle Len I said frowning with my head faced towards the  dark brown hardwood polished floor.

I knew she wouldn’t take it well. At points like this, aunt D’s “serious business" I guess weren’t that funny. But she was the kind of person to find her chill pretty quick so it was still funny to me.

Still,she didn’t take it well though. Her face was burning red. I could almost feel the radiation from her skin. “Now calm down aunt D. It’s ok—”

Before I could finish my sentence, aunt D cut me off. Now calmer she said,

“No it’s not. Hun you said yourself, you’ve got a lot going on” she exclaimed in a pouty soft tone. “Yes aunt D I did. But what else did I say?— strength, and mom and love” I said.

“And who cares, we were just arguing over the lamest thing anyway. Well it seemed pretty lame to me. He thought I wasn’t giving my full effort when he saw I had an incomplete in chem class, I couldn't speak, he looked like he was gonna break something. He started to pace back and forth with his fists all stiff. You know how he is. Red face, vein popping out over the smallest things. And when I tried to tell him why I couldn’t turn in that one assignment, I was nervous so I hesitated when I said

“ I was struggling ," I muttered a little shrug and uneasy in my right shoulder.

“And that’s when he said I was lying and that I was just lazy. He said I was cheating myself. I don’t know what the hell that means” I said.

Again there was that uneasy weight in my heart. It sunk to my stomach.

“ Ugh that old nut case. And I guess you took it to heart?” said aunt D with her arms crossed across her chest on her pink and white checkered apron.

She had no expression on her face. Her eyes were just looking up at her frilled up eyebrows. No smile. Nothing.  It was as if she was saying, “What were we just talking about?!” Without actually saying anything.

“Maybe a little. But it wasn't just last night that this happened. It's been a few months. It happens, I let it go and then it just got to a point where out of nowhere it did get to me. I guess it was because it was constantly happening" I said.

"That would explain why your uncle Len is at more of a worked up mood than usual”, said Aunt D with her right eyebrow raised and her head tilted to the side .

"Yeah. Ever since he saw that one missed assignment, he's been checking my emails, my bookbag, everything. It was just so overwhelming at one point because it felt like that ferris wheel we rode on that one time and got stuck there because the guy who was in charge broke the lever — but this was worse" I said.

" On a totally unrelated note, yeah that was a pretty long day" said Aunt D. "Yeah it was" I agreed.

"Anyway, when it happened for that long— there are limits to patience and strength and it happened  so much that I just kind of started to believe him" I said. 

At that moment I cringed a little rubbing my elbow. My hands were ice cold. Numb even. The back of my neck was just plain warm. A kind of warm that made me feel queezy. My stomach sunk just thinking about what went on with uncle L for months and months. And now, I was having to talk about it.

" Adi you know better than that. And where was I when all this was happening?" said aunt D.

"You were either at work or visiting mom at the hospital" I said.

"Oh" replied aunt D.

"Uncle L had more of the privilege to yell as loud as he wanted and he even said things like 'when it came to me,and doing anything. Any freakin' thing. Whether it was washing the dishes, doing the laundry anything, he always just said that  I would mess my own life up anyway someday and that there was no reason for me to mess up simple things now" I said.

Stunned, aunt D just stood there. Her hands to her side. She gazed into my eyes for a second. Then closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

She put her hand on my shoulder and said ,"Gosh sometimes I just don't know what to do about your uncle Ads. I mean I know he say crazy things–"

I stepped in before she finished her sentence.

" I know aunt D" I said putting a hand on her shoulder and smiling softly.

" I know his heart is in the right place" I said.
Aunt D plopped down on  the left side of my bed. I sat beside her.

"I'm fine, I promise" I said with my left hand on her right shoulder.

" I agree, uncle L does say a lot of things like on that same topic he said that I should just stick to stuff that'll be easy for me to survive. Ugh I hate that word. Easy. I can do things too ya know. I can do great things. Uncle L's just caught up in the numbers. As always", I said.

I looked at aunt Des's face.  Again drowning in tears. She was deep in thought staring out towards  my white flowy sheer curtains.

"Ok I'll stop now" I said.

She didn't respond. I gently placed my head on her shoulder. Again, she breathed heavily but now smiled slightly.

" Aunt  D, what makes uncle L think the way he does?” I asked smiling.

My head still rested on aunt D’s shoulder. I was looking out towards my sheer thin curtains now too. My body still heavy. Aunt D finally turned to as I lifted my head from her shoulder and looked her in the eye.

“Listen” said aunt D.

I leaned in closer.

“Your uncle wanted to go to art school” she said.

My head shrunk backwards. My eyes slightly wide and my mouth just a crack open.
“You're  kidding! That doesn’t sound like him at all!" I said.

Are you sure you’re talking about another Lennon that’s the total opposite of the one we know?” I continued  in  disbelief.

I couldn’t picture it. Uncle L in the one place full of something that he hates? There’s no way.

“Nope, it was” said aunt D.
He loves art. He’s good at it too” she continued.

Aunt D got up, walked to my snowy white dresser, sat down on both her knees and began rummaging through the bottom right drawer. She dug all the way to the bottom.

“Aha! got it!  C'mere Ads she said joyously gesturing her hand beside her on the ground, her eyes still admiring what was in her hand .

“What did you get aunt D?” I said peering my neck passed her shoulder trying to see what she seemed to mesmerized by.I got up, walked to my dresser and sat down gently beside aunt D.

“Woah. It’s beautiful” I said in a light breezy tone.  The picture really was breath taking.  Now even I couldn’t take my eyes off the piece of paper.

Aunt D held it as if it was rare. I reached out my hand about to glide my fingertips across the artwork to get a sense of the details when aunt D grabbed my hand and set it on my lap.

“ Don’t touch it” She gasped.

She held the pastel white paper which had a young girl  with detailed rose cheeks and warm honey golden brown eyes, and beach wavy dark brown hair. The girl looked a little like mom—  Although , there was still something that was a little different about her.I couldn’t figure out what. it was.

To my curiosity I finally asked aunt D, “Who’s the little girl?”

She lifted her eyes from the sketch and slowly faced me.
“It’s you” she said in a clear, airy tone .

I took my eyes off the little girl in the vibrant drawing and turned to aunt D.

“ You were five when Lenny drew this.” she continued.

Squinting, I leaned into the picture.

" I don't remember sitting at a cafe in France when I was five" I said.

Aunt D smiled.

" That's Len. He doesn't need to be looking at something. He's super imaginative."

I couldn't deny how wonderful the picture was. 

Gazing at it I said, " he really is amazing aunt D" I said.
Then I realized—
"What happened, why'd he stop?" I asked.

"Oh... you're gramps thought he'd never make it. That he was just wasting his time drawing and that he should have been focusing on going to business school instead–" , she said in dismay.

"He ended up caving in and giving up on art huh?" I cut in.
Aunt D nodded with a forced smile.It made so much sense why he was so tough on me.

" Well he shouldn't have" I said.
Aunt D placed her hand on top of mine. It was tender and comforting.

"Some people just end up believing they can't do something when they're pushed  or pulled away a bit too far " she said softly looking into my eyes.
        
"Thanks.” I said as I reached towards her and gave her a big yet gentle hug.

“Always sweet pea.” said aunt D .

She kissed my forehead, as I shifted towards her and wrapped my arms around her.
I rested my head on her chest. Out of nowhere uncle L barged in.
"Umm.. Ladies we've Uhhuh...the hospital called" he said an uneasy almost speechless look on his face.
We hadn't heard from the hospital since the last time me , uncle L and aunt D went to visit mom after her seizure. Aunt D and I turned to each other and shared worried, curious looks.

"Halona she– she's gone."

Aunt D's face melted. She placed her hand on her chest, tears streaming down her face. I didn’t understand — I  grabbed a hold of  aunt D’s left arm. Watching her thin tears race all the way down to her neck, I said feeling suffocated, “Aunt D dad passed away last year! I can’t lose mom too!”
Tears gushed down my face. I  was now ruthlessly pressing my hands against the sides of my forehead and I was forcefully pulling on my hair. The air filling my lungs is starting to feel unbearably thick,  it's getting thicker.  I'm breathing uncontrollably fast. I can't breath. This isn't happening. This can't be happening. Why is this happening.
My body suddenly shot down to the floor
  The ice cold boards of my bedroom floor were now under my sweaty burning palms. My back flinched against them.The ice cold feel of the ground fused from my palms, through my veins, and numbed my body from  my head to my toes.  Uncle L  reached towards me and slowly placed his bulky beefy hands on top of my left hand. He began clutching my hand tightly, and my numb arm began to tingle.
  
I noticed Aunt D and uncle L's faces , they're both hazy.

I wanted to reach towards them. I'm trying. I'm pushing but it doesn't seem to be working. The tingly feeling is only getting worse.
  Aunt D, I can’t see most of her, but I still  can almost barely see her long black, now pixley hair.  She was coming closer to  me.

"Please Adi begin again! Please Adi" she whimpered.

I  can't  move, I can't speak, I can't  respond to aunt D,  my eyes are trapped still looking up at my fragmented lumpy ceiling. My body is still senseless,  but out of nowhere I begin to see black fuzzy spots. They're growing, spreading. I can't see anything.
Even aunt D's sobs are beginning to fade. All I can hear, is an ear splitting shrill—