ATLANTIS—One city remains a beacon of hope for human civilization despite the blanket of climate change suffocating the globe. In this underwater paradise, Atlantis, communities live in harmony with themselves and with their environment. Once a bustling above-water city, Atlantis has been largely ignored by the media ever since it sank miles to the sea floor, becoming too perfect and dull for news coverage. “There’s no story here,” as one reporter put it.

After sinking to a depth of 36,000 feet, Atlantis boasted an unprecedented zero crime cases. Atlanteans also achieved a zero carbon footprint, a trailblazing feat unmatched by any other city on earth. We must follow the footsteps of Atlantis if we are to preserve our cities.

Citizens of the sunken metropolis attribute Atlantis’s success to its fortunate geography. “I think the fact our city is completely submerged underwater has really done wonders for us,“ one Atlantean told us. “Not being able to drive underwater has allowed us to cut back on greenhouse gas emissions big time. We are probably the greenest city on earth.” Another citizen of Atlantis shared her story. “When you’re underwater, you discover your priorities. You start to realize that material possessions and "innovations’ like electricity aren’t that important. Then again, that could be because our factories sank and our power grid short-circuited.”

Politicians tout Atlantis as a success story for fighting climate change. “The takeaway here is that Atlantis didn’t become fossil-fuel independent because of more regulations. Nor did they cut their carbon footprint through more nonsense government intervention,” said U.S. Senator Houston Wallace. “It was economic necessity—natural market forces—that drove the climate realignment in Atlantis. Our country must follow the same course.”
The United States must take leadership and create a world modeled on Atlantis’s successes. At the current rate, a mere 1700 coastal cities will be underwater worldwide by end of the century. That’s not nearly enough to support the skyrocketing global population. Therefore, we must work to accelerate the rate at which sea levels rise to ensure the home cities of all Earths’s denizens are fully submerged. A forecasted sea level rise of 23 feet may sink London and New York City, but it’s going to take a global coalition to submerge inland cities like Paris and Los Angeles. Skeptics and pessimists of this bold plan suggest that such a wide-ranging, collaborative effort could stymie economic growth and demand too much from industry.

“We’re doing all we can,” said Petrocorp’s CEO, Dan Keurling, in an interview Tuesday. “We’re running our plants at maximum capacity and using the dirtiest, most ozone-depleting coal we can find. We won’t rest until the polar ice caps are a relic of the past. The real problem is this ‘renewable energy’ fad millennials are talking about. We need to dispel the myths that solar and wind power are reasonable long-term investment strategies. It’s too late for that. It’s Atlantis or nothing.”

We ask each citizen to do his or her part by avoiding mass transportation, petitioning Congress to give incentives to companies that burn fossil fuels, and driving a gas-guzzling car.
“‘Atlantis represents what our future could hold. No one said it was going to be easy, but if we work together, we can ensure that our future mirrors their tidal-wave of  successes.” said Diana Ray, UN spokeswoman.